feeling guilty

[Carobby]

I put my mum into respite care a week ago for one month. In the first three days I rang to check she was OK each morning. I was told she just ask each day when i was collecting her and that she said i was at work. This made me feel quite guilty.
On Saturday I rang and a carer said to me " oh your poor mum she is so sweet, she asks everyday when you are coming she wants us to ring you so she can talk to you". I said no as she will just ask me to collect her. I then said to them can you tell her i have gone on holiday and will collect her when i return. They made me feel so guilty I felt sick all day. I have not rung since as I am going on holiday tomorrow.
Have I put my mum into respite too soon as maybe she is not as bad as i thought. I think she is going to be angry when she comes home and im never going to be able to put her into respite care again. I had no option there was no one else that wanted to look after her. She has been horrible to my brother and his family arguing with them and getting out of the house while he was collecting his son.She was found in the street "shouting where are you" she was taken in by his neighbor three times and the neighbor had to stay with her until he got home.
This past week has been so nice I have had my life back to do what i want and not think about her all the time I no that sounds awful but it is getting too much for me My children have grown up and I was able to just do things me and my husband wanted to do now I have my mum to looks after and im worrying about how she is going to be once she come out of respite. has any one else been in this situation and how did you approach it

 

[myss]

Carobby - I haven't been through putting my pwd into respite care or care home, but no that doesn't sound awful. It sounds like you and your brother have to put through a lot and you're keen to get a bit of personal time to do what you want. No, nothing wrong with that.

I have to admit though, the staff at the care home should have assured your mum that you will be back soon after a holiday knowing that she's there for a month of respite care. This would have reassured you and perhaps stopped or slow down the request from your mum to call you.

Take the time to rediscover what you want to do and relax while you've got the chance to do it. At least you know she is in good hands out of harms way, enjoy your hols.

 

[marionq]

My husband forgot he’d ever been in respite and doesn’t refer to it. He’s been twice and was happy. He came home and was fine and went in again and was fine.

 

[father ted]

Carrobby,
Don't feel guilty at all. You are entitled to have some time to yourself to spend as you please. The more time you spend caring the more your need to have time away from it.
My Mum always refused to go to respite so I never had a holiday for 7 years but I did manage short breaks.
Fortunately Mum went into care home recently and she has adapted well which has helped enormously.

Your Mum is safe and cared for. She has people with her around the clock. You have not abandoned her, you have made arrangements for her care. Enjoy the time you have to yourself now and try not to let guilt feelings creep in and spoil it for you.

 

[Carobby]

Carobby - I haven't been through putting my pwd into respite care or care home, but no that doesn't sound awful. It sounds like you and your brother have to put through a lot and you're keen to get a bit of personal time to do what you want. No, nothing wrong with that.

I have to admit though, the staff at the care home should have assured your mum that you will be back soon after a holiday knowing that she's there for a month of respite care. This would have reassured you and perhaps stopped or slow down the request from your mum to call you.

Take the time to rediscover what you want to do and relax while you've got the chance to do it. At least you know she is in good hands out of harms way, enjoy your hols.

Thank you for your reply I would like my mum to stay in care really but cannot afford the fees I think now I have made the decision it will be harder next time as she will always be on her guard that it may happen again
I did ask the care home to sit her down and tell her the truth that i was on holiday but they said she offered the rationale that i was at work and said that is where her memory stops but im not sure about that as she some times seems so lucid. I still think she will be angry in two weeks when i go and collect her wich im not looking forward too as I know she will be very argumentative when i get her home and she says the most hurtful things

 

[Kikki21]

Thank you for your reply I would like my mum to stay in care really but cannot afford the fees I think now I have made the decision it will be harder next time as she will always be on her guard that it may happen again
I did ask the care home to sit her down and tell her the truth that i was on holiday but they said she offered the rationale that i was at work and said that is where her memory stops but im not sure about that as she some times seems so lucid. I still think she will be angry in two weeks when i go and collect her wich im not looking forward too as I know she will be very argumentative when i get her home and she says the most hurtful things

If your mum has little or no savings or no house to sell to fund her care then Social Services need to get involved to provide a care home for her. It’s not up to you yourself to provide funds for a care home for her.

And don’t feel guilty taking a break either. My mum tries to make me feel guilty about every holiday I have had for the last few years but it is the dementia talking!

 

[Carobby]

If your mum has little or no savings or no house to sell to fund her care then Social Services need to get involved to provide a care home for her. It’s not up to you yourself to provide funds for a care home for her.

And don’t feel guilty taking a break either. My mum tries to make me feel guilty about every holiday I have had for the last few years but it is the dementia talking!

my mum did have a house which was not worth much
when she moved in with us she gave us the money to pay our mortgage off but i put it into and account as we would have been penalized for paying too early. at the time i did not know she had dementia as she either was not that bad or covering it well so i believe the SS will look into this

 

[Kikki21]

my mum did have a house which was not worth much
when she moved in with us she gave us the money to pay our mortgage off but i put it into and account as we would have been penalized for paying too early. at the time i did not know she had dementia as she either was not that bad or covering it well so i believe the SS will look into this

So she didn’t have a dementia diagnosis when she moved in with you? I would ask Citizens Advice about it so you are covered legally as you are probably worried about deprivation of assets. Was she diagnosed with dementia after she moved in with you?

 

[Carobby]

So she didn’t have a dementia diagnosis when she moved in with you? I would ask Citizens Advice about it so you are covered legally as you are probably worried about deprivation of assets. Was she diagnosed with dementia after she moved in with you?

yes she was diagnosed in aug 17 she has lived with me on and off for the past 10 years but moved in permanently in 2015 although because her house needed attention it was not sold until 2017

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Carobby
this is a link to the main AS site pages about paying for care
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20032/legal_and_financial/96/paying_for_care
and this is to the AgeUK site
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/care-homes/paying-for-a-care-home/

 

[Carobby]

hello @Carobby
this is a link to the main AS site pages about paying for care
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20032/legal_and_financial/96/paying_for_care
and this is to the AgeUK site
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/care-homes/paying-for-a-care-home/

thank you

 

[Carobby]

thank you

thank you

 

[margherita]

She has been horrible to my brother and his family arguing with them and getting out of the house while he was collecting his son.She was found in the street "shouting where are you" she was taken in by his neighbor three times and the neighbor had to stay with her until he got home.

I wouldn't say you have put your mum in respite too early.