Feeling confused after death of both parents

[Paulab1000]

Hi all,

Apologies, this is a long story but I felt I needed to writ it all down for my own sake.
My parents were both in a care home for the last 2 years.
We were thinking of moving them both to a new care home but on the day I was due to take my dad for a look round he fell over. That was the beginning of the end and he died a few weeks later in July this year.

My mother had dementia and that was our reason for moving them as the new care home had a whole different approach to dementia and didn't just expect their residents to see quietly in a circle in the lounge all day. My mother was a shouter. She didn't want to be in a care home and she made her feelings known during waking hours and this was causing a lot of problems where she was. Basically she wanted to either go home or die and she made sure everyone knew that although, when when she had visitors she was fine and didn't shout and she always knew who people were. She knew what she was doing as far as the shouting went but she seemed unable to stop herself. Medication had no effect on her shouting.

After my dad died, we decided to go ahead and move her and she said she wanted to move and couldn't wait. The week before she moved, she was the best she'd been in months. Unfortunately, due to a medication error by the old care on the Friday before she was due to move on the Monday, we ended up in A&E for the night. I arrive on the Monday morning to pack up her belongings for the move to find she is just constantly shouting 'help' over and over again (not unusual for her but not to this level). I think oh my god what have I done but we go ahead with the move as there was no choice at this point.

Fast forward a few days and I go in to visit her to find she has a cough. Not normal for her but of course as she'd only just moved the new care home didn't know this. Turns out she had covid which we assumed she caught in A&E. She slept almost constantly for 2 weeks and lost lots of weight. Once she improved a little, the shouting returned. She used to be fine when I was with here but now me being there made no difference, she wanted to die.

She asked me to help her die. She asked me to help her go to heaven. She told me I was cruel.
I don't think she ever forgave me for moving her even though she said at the time that was what she wanted.

She became ill at the beginning of November, stopped eating and basically just slept all the time, and she was the most peaceful she'd been in months. She died on Monday 13th of November.

I'm pleased for her that she is now at peace but I'm not sure how I feel. Initially I was relieved that it was all over for her and for me but now I'm not sure how I feel. Part of the way I feel is because of how nice the new care home and the staff were. They were so kind to my mum and to me and now I feel almost lost. I can't get the new care home and what happened there out of my head. I'm replaying it in my head all the time. I miss going in there, and I miss seeing my mum in there. But, seeing her in there and listening to the shouting nearly broke me and I can't help but think that I'm actually traumatised by the whole experience. We had both had enough by the end.
I am ok and life goes on but any tips on how I move forward from this?

thanks for listening xx

 

[Lunapup]

Hi all,

Apologies, this is a long story but I felt I needed to writ it all down for my own sake.
My parents were both in a care home for the last 2 years.
We were thinking of moving them both to a new care home but on the day I was due to take my dad for a look round he fell over. That was the beginning of the end and he died a few weeks later in July this year.

My mother had dementia and that was our reason for moving them as the new care home had a whole different approach to dementia and didn't just expect their residents to see quietly in a circle in the lounge all day. My mother was a shouter. She didn't want to be in a care home and she made her feelings known during waking hours and this was causing a lot of problems where she was. Basically she wanted to either go home or die and she made sure everyone knew that although, when when she had visitors she was fine and didn't shout and she always knew who people were. She knew what she was doing as far as the shouting went but she seemed unable to stop herself. Medication had no effect on her shouting.

After my dad died, we decided to go ahead and move her and she said she wanted to move and couldn't wait. The week before she moved, she was the best she'd been in months. Unfortunately, due to a medication error by the old care on the Friday before she was due to move on the Monday, we ended up in A&E for the night. I arrive on the Monday morning to pack up her belongings for the move to find she is just constantly shouting 'help' over and over again (not unusual for her but not to this level). I think oh my god what have I done but we go ahead with the move as there was no choice at this point.

Fast forward a few days and I go in to visit her to find she has a cough. Not normal for her but of course as she'd only just moved the new care home didn't know this. Turns out she had covid which we assumed she caught in A&E. She slept almost constantly for 2 weeks and lost lots of weight. Once she improved a little, the shouting returned. She used to be fine when I was with here but now me being there made no difference, she wanted to die.

She asked me to help her die. She asked me to help her go to heaven. She told me I was cruel.
I don't think she ever forgave me for moving her even though she said at the time that was what she wanted.

She became ill at the beginning of November, stopped eating and basically just slept all the time, and she was the most peaceful she'd been in months. She died on Monday 13th of November.

I'm pleased for her that she is now at peace but I'm not sure how I feel. Initially I was relieved that it was all over for her and for me but now I'm not sure how I feel. Part of the way I feel is because of how nice the new care home and the staff were. They were so kind to my mum and to me and now I feel almost lost. I can't get the new care home and what happened there out of my head. I'm replaying it in my head all the time. I miss going in there, and I miss seeing my mum in there. But, seeing her in there and listening to the shouting nearly broke me and I can't help but think that I'm actually traumatised by the whole experience. We had both had enough by the end.
I am ok and life goes on but any tips on how I move forward from this?

thanks for listening xx

Hi Paulab1000,
I lost my mum on the 14th Nov. I too thought I would just be relieved for both of us that this cruel disease was over, however like you I fell quite lost and very emotional. I guess it’s early days for us both and probably were so used to running at a million miles an hour dealing with everything that when it stops it is a shock. I too feel traumatised by my mums last weeks Dementia did its worst then to my poor mum. All I can say is be kind to yourself and be assured you did everything you could for your parents and I’m sure in some way they knew that. My condolences and sending a big hug xx

 

[SkyeD]

That's sad to hear @Paulab1000 . I've lost both of my parents too - my dad 15 months ago and my mum 6 months ago. My mum had Dementia and was in a care home for the last 7 months of her life. My mantra is, "I did the best I could." As @Lunapup says, be kind to yourself.
Hugs S x

 

[Paulab1000]

Hi Paulab1000,
I lost my mum on the 14th Nov. I too thought I would just be relieved for both of us that this cruel disease was over, however like you I fell quite lost and very emotional. I guess it’s early days for us both and probably were so used to running at a million miles an hour dealing with everything that when it stops it is a shock. I too feel traumatised by my mums last weeks Dementia did its worst then to my poor mum. All I can say is be kind to yourself and be assured you did everything you could for your parents and I’m sure in some way they knew that. My condolences and sending a big hug xx

I have so many if only's. I wanted her to move the week before she did but the new care home couldn't take her till the following week. If she'd have moved the week before, the medication error wouldn't have happened, she wouldn't have caught covid and things might have been very different. I had so many hopes for her in the new home.
I didn't grieve for my dad when he died, I didn't have time, I had my mum to think about. Will I ever grieve properly for him, I'm not sure.

 

[Alberta23]

Hi Paulab1000, so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my mum in October. Its tough for loads of reasons. But sadly there are always if only's. I think they are one of the hardest parts of grief. My mum wasnt cared for very well. Probably the reverse to you in that I was trying to move mum back home, but she died just when I had got everything in place. We have no idea when a person will die. So there are always things we wish we should have done. That is normal. We make plans, we deal with events, our lives and other challenges can get in the way. There is rarely an ideal death or situation. I hold on to the fact i was with mum at the end. But i get annoyed with myself for forgetting to take the chocolates I bought her. Or that I didnt get to take her to the theatre one last time, or I didnt challenge the nurse more than i should have done. But then i look back rationally and think ...goodness I tried so hard to challenge everything, and i tried so hard trying to juggle everything to get her home....then I tell myself, I did everything in the time I had with her. I wasnt to know she would die when she did. So be kind to yourself. You did so much for your mum. We have no crystal ball. Noone to guide us. Hold on to all the things you did for your mum. She had worries. Wanted help. It must be so hard for many people leaving a life and family behind. Its ok she shouted out. She did nothing wrong. My mum told me off and got angry. Its fine.she didnt mean to be grumpy. She was 96 yrs old and struggling. I didnt need to forgive her. She had every right to be grumpy sometimes. You will miss your mum. Hold on to good memories and rest easy that she is at peace with your dad. I visit mum and dads grave. Put flowers and bulbs in the soil. Dad died 51 years ago. They waited soooo long to be reunited. Regardless of anything, they are together now. Your mum and dad are together. At peace.no awful bodies to have to cope with. No more worries. No more illnesses. Just eternal peace. That is a good place for them to be. Take care. Sending hugs. Be kind to yourself. I still talk to mum. I dont care if she is around or not. I dont feel i need answers, just that if I want to say something, rather than thinking...whats the point shes not there....i just simply chat to her. And i feel myself at peace as well. Do whatever you feel works for you. You will get there. Hold them both in your heart. They know you cared and still care, and will always care. X