Hi all,
Apologies, this is a long story but I felt I needed to writ it all down for my own sake.
My parents were both in a care home for the last 2 years.
We were thinking of moving them both to a new care home but on the day I was due to take my dad for a look round he fell over. That was the beginning of the end and he died a few weeks later in July this year.
My mother had dementia and that was our reason for moving them as the new care home had a whole different approach to dementia and didn't just expect their residents to see quietly in a circle in the lounge all day. My mother was a shouter. She didn't want to be in a care home and she made her feelings known during waking hours and this was causing a lot of problems where she was. Basically she wanted to either go home or die and she made sure everyone knew that although, when when she had visitors she was fine and didn't shout and she always knew who people were. She knew what she was doing as far as the shouting went but she seemed unable to stop herself. Medication had no effect on her shouting.
After my dad died, we decided to go ahead and move her and she said she wanted to move and couldn't wait. The week before she moved, she was the best she'd been in months. Unfortunately, due to a medication error by the old care on the Friday before she was due to move on the Monday, we ended up in A&E for the night. I arrive on the Monday morning to pack up her belongings for the move to find she is just constantly shouting 'help' over and over again (not unusual for her but not to this level). I think oh my god what have I done but we go ahead with the move as there was no choice at this point.
Fast forward a few days and I go in to visit her to find she has a cough. Not normal for her but of course as she'd only just moved the new care home didn't know this. Turns out she had covid which we assumed she caught in A&E. She slept almost constantly for 2 weeks and lost lots of weight. Once she improved a little, the shouting returned. She used to be fine when I was with here but now me being there made no difference, she wanted to die.
She asked me to help her die. She asked me to help her go to heaven. She told me I was cruel.
I don't think she ever forgave me for moving her even though she said at the time that was what she wanted.
She became ill at the beginning of November, stopped eating and basically just slept all the time, and she was the most peaceful she'd been in months. She died on Monday 13th of November.
I'm pleased for her that she is now at peace but I'm not sure how I feel. Initially I was relieved that it was all over for her and for me but now I'm not sure how I feel. Part of the way I feel is because of how nice the new care home and the staff were. They were so kind to my mum and to me and now I feel almost lost. I can't get the new care home and what happened there out of my head. I'm replaying it in my head all the time. I miss going in there, and I miss seeing my mum in there. But, seeing her in there and listening to the shouting nearly broke me and I can't help but think that I'm actually traumatised by the whole experience. We had both had enough by the end.
I am ok and life goes on but any tips on how I move forward from this?
thanks for listening xx
Apologies, this is a long story but I felt I needed to writ it all down for my own sake.
My parents were both in a care home for the last 2 years.
We were thinking of moving them both to a new care home but on the day I was due to take my dad for a look round he fell over. That was the beginning of the end and he died a few weeks later in July this year.
My mother had dementia and that was our reason for moving them as the new care home had a whole different approach to dementia and didn't just expect their residents to see quietly in a circle in the lounge all day. My mother was a shouter. She didn't want to be in a care home and she made her feelings known during waking hours and this was causing a lot of problems where she was. Basically she wanted to either go home or die and she made sure everyone knew that although, when when she had visitors she was fine and didn't shout and she always knew who people were. She knew what she was doing as far as the shouting went but she seemed unable to stop herself. Medication had no effect on her shouting.
After my dad died, we decided to go ahead and move her and she said she wanted to move and couldn't wait. The week before she moved, she was the best she'd been in months. Unfortunately, due to a medication error by the old care on the Friday before she was due to move on the Monday, we ended up in A&E for the night. I arrive on the Monday morning to pack up her belongings for the move to find she is just constantly shouting 'help' over and over again (not unusual for her but not to this level). I think oh my god what have I done but we go ahead with the move as there was no choice at this point.
Fast forward a few days and I go in to visit her to find she has a cough. Not normal for her but of course as she'd only just moved the new care home didn't know this. Turns out she had covid which we assumed she caught in A&E. She slept almost constantly for 2 weeks and lost lots of weight. Once she improved a little, the shouting returned. She used to be fine when I was with here but now me being there made no difference, she wanted to die.
She asked me to help her die. She asked me to help her go to heaven. She told me I was cruel.
I don't think she ever forgave me for moving her even though she said at the time that was what she wanted.
She became ill at the beginning of November, stopped eating and basically just slept all the time, and she was the most peaceful she'd been in months. She died on Monday 13th of November.
I'm pleased for her that she is now at peace but I'm not sure how I feel. Initially I was relieved that it was all over for her and for me but now I'm not sure how I feel. Part of the way I feel is because of how nice the new care home and the staff were. They were so kind to my mum and to me and now I feel almost lost. I can't get the new care home and what happened there out of my head. I'm replaying it in my head all the time. I miss going in there, and I miss seeing my mum in there. But, seeing her in there and listening to the shouting nearly broke me and I can't help but think that I'm actually traumatised by the whole experience. We had both had enough by the end.
I am ok and life goes on but any tips on how I move forward from this?
thanks for listening xx