Feeling blessed to have such a caring and determined husband

Discussion in 'Younger people with dementia and their carers' started by LynneMcV, Feb 14, 2015.

  1. LynneMcV

    LynneMcV Volunteer Moderator

    May 9, 2012
    south-east London
    So proud of my husband.

    It has been quite a bit of a week for him, especially as he has been battling a heavy cold which has led to him being quite confused and disorientated.

    The week started off quite miserably - in fact I was so down that I couldn't even put my thoughts down in writing at the time.

    It was the funeral of a lady he used to work with. He had known her for years, so was very keen to attend the funeral - so much so that for a good week beforehand he had woken up and started to get ready for the funeral - it was obviously playing on his mind so much that he didn't want to miss it.

    The funeral went well - but it was at the wake that I became heartbroken for him. So many former colleagues there, and so many deliberately trying to avoid speaking to him, even to the point of forming little tight-knit groups and turning their backs to him. They didn't say 'go away' in so many words - but it couldn't have been clearer.

    I just saw my husband standing there, looking lost. He'd gone to such efforts to turn out for the funeral and pay his respects. He didn't deserve this attitude at all. I don't care how difficult people find dementia to cope with - there is no excuse for such cold-hearted rudeness. These were people who, until dementia set in for my husband, would actively seek him out for a chat or an evening out, he was so popular, everyone was happy to be around him.

    I steered him around the room and thank goodness we did find a group of five people who really welcomed him and were very understanding when he battled to find the words he wanted to say. It took me a good few days to get over this horrible feeling of depression though because of the reaction of the majority.

    My husband was obviously aware too, because as we made our way home he said to me: "I just feel so stupid."

    Anyway, once the funeral was out the way, my husband focused on the next big event to be remembered - he wanted to make sure that he didn't forget Valentine's Day, bless him.

    Despite not feeling well, he walked to the local shops and purchased a card - then put it in his bedside cabinet so he didn't lose it.

    The next couple of days were spent asking what gift he should get. He wanted to buy flowers, but his illness was making him more incoherent and I didn't want him going back out into the cold for flowers. We settled on buying ourselves a joint present -a bottle of our favourite liqueur to share. It was also agreed that I would be the one to go and buy it for us.

    That is why it was quite a surprise yesterday when I came home from work at lunchtime (I work from home during the afternoons now so that my husband is not alone all day) - and in the sink was a huge bouquet of red roses! He'd made an extra special effort to go and buy them.

    The moment was tinged with sadness though as I also noticed that he was trying to make himself a sandwich - and for the first time he couldn't complete the task (I am hoping this is down to him still feeling poorly and the ability will return when he is feeling better).

    I told him how lovely the flowers were and put them in water before making him lunch. I know how difficult it was for him to go to the supermarket to buy them, not just because he is feeling poorly, but because his communication is a lot worse and I know that he would have struggled finding the flowers and paying for them at the check out.

    He then brought the Valentine's Day card to me. I said (gently) not to give it to me now - that I would look at it tomorrow, on Valentine's Day. Then it became clear that he had been struggling to write the words he wanted to say and needed help writing the card out - so I said I'd get our son or daughter to help him when they were back home a little later on.

    My daughter ended up helping him - but it was a mammoth struggle for my husband. When he came downstairs from writing my card last night he looked physically drained and he kept saying how he hadn't been able to write it properly and how frustrated he felt.

    I told him that the sheer effort he had put into getting me flowers, buying a card and writing a message meant more to me than he could ever imagine - because I had seen for myself just what he'd put himself through in order to do it.

    This morning the flowers look glorious on the table, his card sits alongside them with the message 'love you always' written very carefully - and we are looking forward to a little tipple of our favourite liqueur this evening.

    It is a lovely Valentine's Day and I feel blessed to have such a caring and determined husband :)
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    What a poignant post. x
  3. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    Ontario canada
    Awe....Lynn ....enjoy your day and your bottle later! Happy valentines to you and your wonderful hubby.
  4. LeedsLass

    LeedsLass Registered User

    Oct 13, 2014
    What an absolute star, you must be thrilled. I hope you have a lovely Valentines Day and hold these memories close to your heart in difficult times. ❤️
  5. Jackie533

    Jackie533 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    What a lovely post and one I can relate to on all levels, I have been amazed and saddened by how difficult many of our friends and even family have found being with my husband or sometimes even asking about him. You're so right about how heartbreaking it is to watch someone who has always been so capable struggle to express themselves and carry out everyday tasks they could have done with eyes closed a short time ago. My hubby attempted recently to make a sandwich which ended up as a lump if cheese topped with our granddaughters baby food, we did manage to laugh about it, not always easy to do that tho. Best wishes

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  6. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    North East England
    What a lovely kind man your husband is, and quite frankly, for those people who so rudely ignored him at the funeral, it's their loss. They don't deserve the friendship of such a wonderful man.

    I hope you are both having a fabulous Valentine's Day, and your story has made me fill up.

    :) :) :) :) :)
  7. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Cling to those memories.....
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    You are right to feel blessed Lynne. It's a shame about the ex colleagues / friends.
  9. keane

    keane Registered User

    Sep 9, 2005
    Beautiful post - he sounds like an awesome man. X

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.