Hi
I haven't posted for 2 years since Mum died, it was August. I still cannot get over the feeling I let her get on with it and didn't do anything to help her physical problems that developed as a result of dementia, all because I was so selfish and afraid of seeing her and her not knowing me. No matter what everyone said at the time and since, I will never forgive myself as her only daughter, I should have put my foot down with Dad and done something about the situation with the useless carers who got away with murder. I just kept thinking I couldn't do something off my own back without getting approval from my brothers, although I shouldn't have thought of that and just got on with it.
Now it is 2 years on and I have been trying to get a life, I didn't work for years after my son was born, have done a little temping but not worked for year now. Had an interview 2 months ago for a permanent job and was actually offered it - but I was so shocked that my nerves took over and I turned it down. I realised soon after what an idiot I have been, I will never get another chance at my age. Then I think of Mum, she used to do all sorts to make ends meet, cleaning, fruit picking, and I have let her down and my family - we could do with some extra money. What is wrong with me? I really need my Mum, I was always closer to her than Dad, her advice is really needed. She would have helped me. I am crying now as I have a lonely day until my husband and son come in from work, I do things at home and get out every day, take Dad to GP etc., go swimming and gym but find I am on my own as everyone goes with someone. I meet up with a friend very occasionally for lunch. Butit is all my fault and I had the chance to change it all. I need a job for the social aspect too - the one I was offered sounded a great opportunity but I just panicked. I could kick myself for being back where I started.
All that has nothing to do with Mum but she is always in my mind and I visit her more now at her grave now she is dead than when she was alive. I lost her a few years before her death really as she changed about 2 years before she died really.
Sorry to go on, I know I am being selfish, as I was when she was alive. I just am not getting over her dying at all. I went to a show with that famous psychic woman last year in the hope I would get a message, but nothing happened. I think daft things, like does dementia carry over 'to the other side'? Sorry, I must come across as a very strange person, maybe I am. I just don't know how I am going to cope with life like this, we would like to change things in our life like moving but it is very difficult at the moment. I think that I do not want to move far from where Mum is which is probably not healthy but it is how I feel.
I don't know why I am telling you all this but I feel quite desperate, hopeless and useless right now.
Sorry.
I haven't posted for 2 years since Mum died, it was August. I still cannot get over the feeling I let her get on with it and didn't do anything to help her physical problems that developed as a result of dementia, all because I was so selfish and afraid of seeing her and her not knowing me. No matter what everyone said at the time and since, I will never forgive myself as her only daughter, I should have put my foot down with Dad and done something about the situation with the useless carers who got away with murder. I just kept thinking I couldn't do something off my own back without getting approval from my brothers, although I shouldn't have thought of that and just got on with it.
Now it is 2 years on and I have been trying to get a life, I didn't work for years after my son was born, have done a little temping but not worked for year now. Had an interview 2 months ago for a permanent job and was actually offered it - but I was so shocked that my nerves took over and I turned it down. I realised soon after what an idiot I have been, I will never get another chance at my age. Then I think of Mum, she used to do all sorts to make ends meet, cleaning, fruit picking, and I have let her down and my family - we could do with some extra money. What is wrong with me? I really need my Mum, I was always closer to her than Dad, her advice is really needed. She would have helped me. I am crying now as I have a lonely day until my husband and son come in from work, I do things at home and get out every day, take Dad to GP etc., go swimming and gym but find I am on my own as everyone goes with someone. I meet up with a friend very occasionally for lunch. Butit is all my fault and I had the chance to change it all. I need a job for the social aspect too - the one I was offered sounded a great opportunity but I just panicked. I could kick myself for being back where I started.
All that has nothing to do with Mum but she is always in my mind and I visit her more now at her grave now she is dead than when she was alive. I lost her a few years before her death really as she changed about 2 years before she died really.
Sorry to go on, I know I am being selfish, as I was when she was alive. I just am not getting over her dying at all. I went to a show with that famous psychic woman last year in the hope I would get a message, but nothing happened. I think daft things, like does dementia carry over 'to the other side'? Sorry, I must come across as a very strange person, maybe I am. I just don't know how I am going to cope with life like this, we would like to change things in our life like moving but it is very difficult at the moment. I think that I do not want to move far from where Mum is which is probably not healthy but it is how I feel.
I don't know why I am telling you all this but I feel quite desperate, hopeless and useless right now.
Sorry.
