Feel like my life is on hold

[vb1982]

I have posted previosuly about my Mum, had memory assessment, she scored 72, now got to wait 4-6 weeks for an occupational thearpy appointment.

Somedays mum isnt too bad, my brother and sister help when they can but I feel like my mum is very dependant on me and like I am no longer allowed a life of my own.

I work full time and live with my husband, nearby my mum. I just feel like in my spare time I am expected to be there all the time. Weekends are the worst, I feel so guilty like im not supposed to be doing anything that doesnt involve her. For example this Sunday i took her for coffee and to the shops, took her home and spent time with her, then she came to my house for her tea. I took her back and ended up having to stay all night as she felt unwell, I never slept, she called to me every half hour or so. Then I had to work full time all day so i didnt visit and my goodness didnt I know about it.

Just feel like i am thinking about it all the time, almost resenting my Mum. We have mentioned full time care and assisted living but she doesnt want to know. I feel so distracted, like it is all i think about. Havent been able to spend time with my husband at all and I dont want it to keep affecting our relationship.

Its making me feel quite down.

Sorry just needed to rant :-(

 

[Kevinl]

I don't know people do it, family, work and caring for someone too, especially when they're, should we say high-maintenance. All I can say is well done you and thank-you on Mum's behalf. K

 

[To the taxi]

I have posted previosuly about my Mum, had memory assessment, she scored 72, now got to wait 4-6 weeks for an occupational thearpy appointment.

Somedays mum isnt too bad, my brother and sister help when they can but I feel like my mum is very dependant on me and like I am no longer allowed a life of my own.

I work full time and live with my husband, nearby my mum. I just feel like in my spare time I am expected to be there all the time. Weekends are the worst, I feel so guilty like im not supposed to be doing anything that doesnt involve her. For example this Sunday i took her for coffee and to the shops, took her home and spent time with her, then she came to my house for her tea. I took her back and ended up having to stay all night as she felt unwell, I never slept, she called to me every half hour or so. Then I had to work full time all day so i didnt visit and my goodness didnt I know about it.

Just feel like i am thinking about it all the time, almost resenting my Mum. We have mentioned full time care and assisted living but she doesnt want to know. I feel so distracted, like it is all i think about. Havent been able to spend time with my husband at all and I dont want it to keep affecting our relationship.

Its making me feel quite down.

Sorry just needed to rant :-(

rant as much as you can thats your safty valve it may be that she is rearly scared i car for my wife and the early stage she knows what is happening and trying to hang on i found different stages come and go speak to your partner you are in the middle of a rock and a hard place but you must take time out for yourself i feel for you

 

[canary]

Im afraid that this scenario is really, really common @vb1982

As dementia progresses they lose self insight and do not realise that they have changed and are not longer able to do things. In their own mind they believe that they are still doing everything and so are unaware of the demands they are making and the toll it is taking on their carer. Also, as their world narrows and narrows all they can see are their own needs, wants and desires. So they want things and they want them now, because they can no longer envision the future.

Your mum is asking you to do things and each time she asks for something she thinks it is the only thing she has asked for. She cannot see how difficult it is for you and is thinking to herself "I only asked for this one thing and they cant even be bothered to do that"! (sigh)

Unfortunately, her needs and demands are only going to increase. You will have to sit down and work out your own boundaries and stick to them. The more you do, the more will be expected of you, but if you are not always available then she may accept help from carers, befrienders or even just a cleaner.

 

[SeaSwallow]

@canary has given you some good advice. I know that it is hard @vb1982 but you do need to step back a bit for the sake of your relationship with your husband and also your own health. As long as you keep responding to the demands of your mum she will just expect more and more.
Does your mum have carers coming in, if not i would suggest that you arrange a needs assessment through your local adult social services, and as @canary has suggested perhaps consider getting a cleaner or someone to do your mum's shopping.

 

[vb1982]

Thank you for all your replies, I thought I was being a bit selfish, but this makes me realise I am not.
We had carers for a week when she was on anti biotics for a UTI, that was through family connect. They were contacted again yesterday to say about the overnight care again but I am still awating a response.

I do feel like i need to set boundaries now, I am not enjoying my own life at all as I am either there or thinking about things to do with Mum.

My Dad passed away in 2022 and she lives on her own now for the first time in her life. I think she just thinks because she is on her own people should be with her at all times. I probably do go more than I need to because I feel very guilty if i don't go. Feel like piggy in the middle

 

[SeaSwallow]

Please do not feel guilty @vb1982 you need time for yourself and your husband. You are not being selfish and it is good that you are realising that you need to set those boundaries.

 

[vb1982]

Please do not feel guilty @vb1982 you need time for yourself and your husband. You are not being selfish and it is good that you are realising that you need to set those boundaries.

Thank you, I feel more reassured now