Feel like I am the only one who cares

[awebdill]

The nursing home have confirmed they think my grandmother is now approaching end of life. She is constantly sleeping, not eating, drinking minimal amounts and has a lot of other health problems on top of the dementia.

I visit my gran every weekend and sometimes in the week if I can get it off work. I work ft and live 2 hours away so it is tricky for me to visit more, although I desperately wish I could. I used all my annual leave up on my mum and granddad when they passed away earlier on in the year so don't even have any holiday to fall back on. I asked my sister (the only other living relative now) to visit my gran on a weekend when I could only make one day and she said no because 1) she didn't want to fork out for the train fare and 2) gran wouldn't notice anyway. A friend is driving to see me this weekend and offered my sister a free lift in the car up my way to we could travel to York together to visit my gran over the weekend - free trip and probably one of the last chances she'll get to see our gran. She has declined the offer saying she needs to go to the bank on Saturday....I am so angry and disappointed in her. I told her she could easily do her banking online or over the phone and she just didn't reply to me. I feel like I am the only who one cares about my gran. I am the only one who calls the nursing home to see how she is (twice a day!) and I am the only person who goes to visit. My sister was like this with my mum and granddad too, although not quite as bad. She did at least visit them occasionally.

I know people have different ways of coping with things, but we were always such a small, close family and I thought she would at least want to see my gran and help support me too. It just makes me so upset and I don't know how she doesn't feel guilty. I constantly feel like I am not doing enough for my gran and I am trying to do everything I physically can but it still never feels good enough :-(

Sorry, rant over.

 

[canary]

Hello awebdill. My mum died recently and I was sitting where you are sat now; its a difficult time. When it was confirmed that mum was in last stages I contacted the rest of her family to tell them and they came to say goodbye to her over the next few days - all except my brother, the apple of mums eye, who did not come at all. In fact, he had never visited since she went into a care home 3 years ago. My daughter was disgusted, but I think some people just cant cope with it and my brother (and perhaps your sister) is one of them. I can only say, that after your gran has passed you will have nothing to regret as you were there for her.

 

[awebdill]

Thanks for your reply Canary. I suppose people do cope with things in different ways, but I can't help but feel my sister is being selfish. I also think she will regret it in years to come when she has actually sat down and thought about everything that has gone on. it's just so frustrating and upsetting!

 

[Grannie G]

Hello awebdill

Please don`t waste precious time and energy on negative feelings about your sister, how she is now or how she may feel in the future. You are only hurting yourself.

Do what you can for your grandmother in her final stage. I know it would help if your sister would share the caring with you but she is as she is.

I hope your grandmother is peaceful and pain free and you will find peace within yourself too.

 

[memyselfandi]

Eveyone care..but

I too am in the same boat.

My dad has advanced dementia. Everyday he declines a bit more and it's a nightmare to watch. Nobody knows how much time he has left and I live constantly with anticipatory grief. Every time my phone rings, my heart rate rises as I pray it's not the nursing facility he's at.

I have one sister that lives several states away. Although she cares very much and knows his fragile condition, it's obviously not enough, as it's always "something" and can't seem to find the time to get home, so nobody sees his decline but me. I visit almost daily, yet even I need a break sometimes and now and then take a day or two off..however, it does me no good as I then worry what his condition was for that day. Did he eat? What were his vitals? Etc. etc.

My husband travels a lot for his job. When he's home he'll visit my dad with me, but doesn't want to stay long as "he doesn't like those places.."

Whatever...

My best friend works in a nursing facility and deals with Dementia and Alzheimer's patients on a daily basis. Her mom has Alzheimer's so she knows the drill about how important it is to have a shoulder now and then. She's told me more than once that if I ever need her..to call anytime day or night..she'll be there.

Yeah sure. When they rushed my dad to the ER with aspirational pneumonia and sepsis and I practically rang her phone off the hook in need of some emotional support, she didn't answer. Made up some flimsy excuse later.

Thanks but no thanks...and has since worked her way down my food chain of so called "friends" I can depend on.

It's horrible going through this by myself. Although my husband has told me that he'll be there as soon as possible if something happens with my dad..basically he's saying..if he passes away. I know well that he'll drag his feet if it's anything but..again because, "he doesn't like those places"..

Nobody does. It's not like any of us jump at the idea of going to visit a sick relative whether in the hospital or in a nursing facility. It's just what you do when you love and care about someone.

While the idea of his eventual passing away causes me severe anticipatory grief, the idea of going through it all by myself makes it even worse. Not one single person has stepped up to the plate enough to actually be there.

Everyone cares...but