Feel guilty & useless

[a155sjd]

I only found out dad had dementia a few weeks ago and onlooking up his symptoms he was middle stages, anyway he was supposed to be discharged back from hospital to home but becuase his arthritis is bad and he had been conned out of all his savings the SW / care team thought he should go into a nursing home- that was about 2/3 weeks ago.

Friday I heard he hadnt been well and had picked up another chest infection (chronic smoker) and although they were treating him the Drs said that if his heart was to stop they would not resusitate him as he is quite frail.

I am flying over to see him on Tuesday Morning (he's in Dublin and I'm nr Brghton) so I should be at the hosp by lunchtime (I have to cancel his utilities and clear his flat as he wasnt returning there), I've just had a call from the nurse who says he got bad last night (low Oxygen levels and BP) and is now lying in a vegetative state and will not respond to anyone or thing and she doesnt think he will last until Tuesday.

I feel guilty because I cant change my flights so would need to purchase a new ticket for me if I were to come tomorrow, but the nursing staff were insistent that I should come right away. Its too late for me to get a flight for tonight as it is and I hate to travel on my own late at night.

I just feel helpless, he was responding to the nursing staff Wednesday but now nothing I just didnt realise he could change so quickly.

I'm not sure why I am writing this but just wanted to get something down as I am trying to not let it affect me in front of my children who dont understand (4&8)

 

[Cat27]

I'm so sorry this has happened. I've no advice but just wanted to send you a hug.

 

[irismary]

So sorry to hear this and I can't offer advice either but you cannot perform miracles. Sending you best wishes at this difficult time xx

 

[100 miles]

Such a difficult situation to be in. You made perfectly sound decisions with the information available to you at the time. And then circumstances change. Nothing much you can do about the transport on offer on Sundays.

I hope your dad is comfortable. Maybe the nursing staff can tell him you are on your way. But I do think what really matters is your lifelong relationship with him rather than the last few hours or days.

Best wishes

100 miles (which really isn't that far at all)

 

[cragmaid]

I am sorry to read of your Dad's illness. You cannot be everywhere and, yes, in an ideal world you would be there beside him, but it's not an ideal world.
It sounds as if Dad might not know that you are there anyway, however you can be comforted to know that he is not alone.
I lived a five minute walk from Mum's CH, but when I got " the call" at 06:00 am I still did not get there in time to see her die, but she knew she was safe and she knew that she was going home to her beloved Mamma ( and her Dad, my Dad, my sister and all).

What will be, will be....and no amount of guilt will change this. Don't feel guilty, you have done the best you can.

Thinking of you....Maureen.x.

 

[Beate]

The nurses can't and shouldn't tell you what to do, you have to make your own choices. Yes you might arrive too late but if you can't change your flight, you can't. If he does not respond to anything I doubt he will respond to you, so arrive when you can.

 

[HillyBilly]

I'd just like to echo what others have said above.
Best wishes and virtual support from me too.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

As 100 miles and others said, you made the best decision you could at the time with the information you had. Perhaps the hospital and/or staff would pay for your ticket? I thought not. It is not right for them to put such pressure on you.

 

[a155sjd]

thanks

Thanks everyone, you're making me feel better, I know that if I had been able to leave this afternoon he could have passed before I got there anyway.

I'm just stressed out about it all as it's all quite sudden and a lot to take in what with clearing his flat etc especially when it means flying over, and that the nurse today said he hadnt been eating enough for days yet I've been assured previously he had.

Not only did I have the nurse telling me I had to go over but family members becuase they cant (due to age and illnesses) so it was just a lot to take in all at once.

 

[Hill Man]

Its harsh but fair I think to say that getting there is always more important for the relatives than for the patient once they have become unconscious. The patient is in a safe place and there's nothing anyone from outside the care environment can do to help, or even communicate with them really.

I think often the nursing staff just want to cover their backsides. They don't want a complaint from you if you don't arrive in time. You can only do what you can, be kind to yourself

 

[Spamar]

This happened to both fil, in hospital, and father, in care home. One 80 miles away, the other 380 miles away. My OH was called to his father three or four times, then he died when we were on holiday! We decided to go, going with friends, first decent holiday for several years, OH did all the arrangements before we went.
With my father, I was called several times, but I had work, I was self employed, a few days later. I eventually went, saw him that night, again in the morning ( he was comatose), was just going out the door in the afternoon when I had a phone call to say he died.
So who can tell, my OH died in the early hours of the morning in his care home, I wasnt there as he may have lived several days longer, I, plus his dau, needed sleep and food.
Personally, I haven't felt bad about not actually being there. There are plenty of stories about Carers going to the loo, or make a cup of coffee, come back and the person has died. I would like to remember them all in non dementia days! Well, OH certainly, never knew fil without dementia, and I'm not sure whether father didn't have it from a very early age!

 

[anamarija]

Thinking of you

Hi. I can identify with how you are feeling. My son lives in Kuala Lumpur. We went in December because he was getting married in KL and we were going to be the only family present for either of them. My husband's father fell out of bed about a week before the wedding. He lay on the floor for 4 hrs before the ambulance came and consequently rapidly developed pneumonia and became very ill. We were torn about staying for the wedding (which we were organising) or going back for Dad. Dad rallied a bit and we stayed. He got worse when we were at the reception and died before we could get back. He knew just before he died that his grandson had got married and was pleased. We felt terrible about it. Since then, friends have said we made the right decision. We realise we could not have got back in time.
Now we have a similar situation with my Mum. She has advanced Alzheimer's and is in a good nursing home in UK. We live in Slovenia. Flights are not daily. Every time there is a crisis we worry we won't get back in time.

Just to say I empathise with how you must be feeling.

My thoughts are with you and I send you a big cyber hug. Remember you can't do the impossible.

 

[a155sjd]

I went on Tuesday as originally planned and although he was still breathing he was gone. Non-reactive to anything

I left the hospital at 5 (as I had a hellish journey to get there - we had to fly into Belfast and then get the bus down to Dublin so had been travelling since 5am).

He died less than 2 hours later which on seeing his condition I was glad for as it wasn't something he would have ever wanted.

After that I wished I could have been anywhere else as his relatives were just pure awful, they cleared out all his belongings, and held onto his bank cards etc and then booked an expensive funeral which cost more than what was in his estate and expected me to pay for it. Thankfully I found out before the funeral (died Tuesday buried Friday) so changed it down to affordable.

I am glad I got chance to see him to say goodbye both whilst he was alive and before the funeral.

 

[Shedrech]

morning a155sjd
sorry to read your latest post
my condolences on the death of your dad
though I'm glad for you that you did have time to visit him and to see him laid to rest
forget the relatives, you did well by him, take comfort from that
best wishes

 

[angecmc]

I am sorry for your loss, glad you were able to see your Dad before he died, you did the best you could. Families can be terrible and deaths seems to bring out the very worse behaviour in some. Take care of yourself and your own family xx

Ange

 

[Amy in the US]

I am very sorry to hear your news. Please accept my condolences.

As others have said, forget about the horrible relatives (we all seem to have them) and look after yourself and your family, as best you can. And do try to be kind to yourself, this is a difficult time for you.

Very best wishes to you and your family.

 

[canary]

I went on Tuesday as originally planned and although he was still breathing he was gone. Non-reactive to anything

I left the hospital at 5 (as I had a hellish journey to get there - we had to fly into Belfast and then get the bus down to Dublin so had been travelling since 5am).

He died less than 2 hours later which on seeing his condition I was glad for as it wasn't something he would have ever wanted.

After that I wished I could have been anywhere else as his relatives were just pure awful, they cleared out all his belongings, and held onto his bank cards etc and then booked an expensive funeral which cost more than what was in his estate and expected me to pay for it. Thankfully I found out before the funeral (died Tuesday buried Friday) so changed it down to affordable.

I am glad I got chance to see him to say goodbye both whilst he was alive and before the funeral.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Even though he was unresponsive he would probably have been able to hear and its quite likely that he knew that you were there. He may even have been hanging on for you.

Forget the relatives. Be gentle with yourself now.
xx

 

[Lets_Stop_Time]

So sorry xxxx sending love