Fear the time has come for my husband to go into a care home.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Bakersgirl, Nov 18, 2019.

  1. Bakersgirl

    Bakersgirl Registered User

    Sep 22, 2017
    My husband is currently in a care home for respite care. The respite is for me because I am finding it increasingly difficult to look after him at home. I feel that the time may have come for him to go into the home permanently but I am overwhelmed by grief and guilt at the thought of "putting him away" and haven't been able to make the decision yet. When I visit him he is so pleased to see me and begs me to take him home, but I really don't think I can go on any longer. We do have a carer at home who comes every morning to wash and dress him, but otherwise I am on my own all day and all night. I love him very much but can't cope much longer.
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Could you accept regular respite instead eg two weeks every couple of months? I know this is a difficult decision and made worse by how tired you become as a carer.
  3. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    There comes a time when the best care you can give, to let him be cared for by others.
    You will still be there looking out for his best interests, and able to enjoy the better parts of his day.

  4. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    I don't think anyone makes this decision lightly. You have obviously done your very best to keep your husband at home and the fact that you are now considering permanent care says to me that you are probably at your limit. It is very sad but it is probably inevitable for most of us in this position. Don't feel guilty, it's not your fault.

    I hope that you don't feel too badly if you make this decision although I expect you will because that is in our nature but nobody can understand how much of a toll this disease takes on the carer. I am beginning to feel this way too.
  5. Ziggy Starshine

    Ziggy Starshine Registered User

    Jan 31, 2015
    Hi there

    I completely understand what you are going through but you need more help - he needs re-assessment of his and your needs and it sounds as if you definitely need more care at home - get in contact with social care immediately, once a day is just not good enough! It's difficult but be strong and don't take no for an answer!
  6. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    You wouldn't be"putting him away" @Bakersgirl, you would be doing your best for him and for yourself too. You may not be ready for it yet but you will know when you are. It was my wife's periods of respite that led me to realise that a team of people could keep her safe, clean, properly cared for and stimulated in a way that I couldn't. It took me some while to build up to it but, once I had found somewhere that I thought would suit her, it really was just a matter of 'when' rather than 'if'. We were in the (in some ways) fortunate position of being self-funding so didn't need to involve social services in making the decision.

    Six months on, I know that the decision was the right one. I haven't failed or betrayed my wife but have served her interests in the best way that I can. I have seen that the care staff really do care for her as a person. Freed from being a full time carer, I have been able to rebuild our relationship - at least on a good day - and have shared moments of tenderness, laughter and companionship the like of which I thought were lost for ever.

    I hope that his helps you in your desperately difficult situation.
  7. Philbo

    Philbo Registered User

    Feb 28, 2017
    Hi @Bakersgirl

    After 6+ years caring for my wife at home, I knew the time for residential care was never too far away. What happened though took me by surprise as towards the end of her 2 week respite stay in August, she was hospitalised with a UTI.

    This seemed to knock her for six and she became virtually immobile - though her mobility had declined in recent months, I was still able to get her around the house, negotiate the stairs and in and out of the car or taxis (to the pub:))

    So after several more weeks of assessment in the respite facility, the LA case worker recommended full time care in a nursing home, which is where she has been since late September.

    So in a way, the decision was made for me - of course I could have pressed to keep her at home but in my heart, I knew that it would not be right for either of us. She has settled in very well but I am finding it very hard when I come away from visiting her and even harder, coming home to an empty house.

    As @northumbrian_k says, you would not be putting your husband away, but moving on to the next phase of ensuring he has the right level of care.

    I wish you both well.
  8. Bakersgirl

    Bakersgirl Registered User

    Sep 22, 2017
    Thank you so much to all of you for your understanding, compassion, and good advice. This forum and its members are such a comfort for struggling carers, and I am immensely grateful. Blessings on you all.

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