Father needs help

[Putford]

my father has deteriorated very quickly over the last few months, he’s now got double incontinence, almost no memory of family or friends, he’s becoming unsteady on his feet and is now not getting up or going down stairs and has no appetite.
The problem is - my mum (his main carer) has refused outside help from careers for him. She won’t pay for anything and penny pinches, I live 5 hours from them so it’s difficult, dad has funds set aside for care but she won’t allow people in to help wash, feed him etc, she’s got mental issues of her own, sometimes leading to anxiety and stress, but dad is being almost ‘abused’ by her, she doesn’t understand his dementia, dietary needs, even that he’s always thirsty.
I’ve written to his gp, spoken to social services, adult safeguarding, the local district nurse, everyone I can think of, but when they visit my mother tells them that they don’t want or need help.
Any suggestions would be great. Thanks in advance.

 

[canary]

That is very difficult for you @Putford

Unfortunately, if the person with dementia, or their main carer, is considered to have capacity and they refuse help then Social Services will not insist. I think that you have already done everything everything that I would suggest. Becoming the "squeaky wheel" might get you more notice, but I suspect that there will be a crisis before he gets the help he needs. Would she contact the doctor if he became ill eg with a UTI, or pneumonia?

 

[Grannie G]

I`m surprised adult safeguarding hasn`t taken your request more seriously @Putford. I wonder if they`ve confused the message and thought your mother rather than your father is at risk.

 

[Putford]

Hi and thanks for the replies.
Canary - She wouldn't contact the doctor about my father, she doesn't understand his needs tbh, I'm sure he's got a UTI which is adding to his incontinence, she fails to understand that all he wants to eat is chocolate biscuits, mum says thats all he wants - mainly because she gives in to him and doesn't try to entice him to eat anything healthy. It's impossible to try and convince her to try something new.
Grannie G - the Safeguarding team unfortunately went round when my mum was there - he daren't say anything while she's there because he's scared of the repercussions, I asked them to go at a specific time when mum was out shopping during a weekly 2 hour slot but they didn't.
I managed to get the doctor to visit him a few weeks ago after much trying, I'd asked mum to tell them everything that was troubling them both but she didn't say anything other than everything was fine - later she told me she would be embarrassed to tell the doctor about his incontinence!
I sometimes wonder if she's doing it on purpose because she can't cope with looking after him any more, she can't deal with it and hasn't got capacity herself to understand his needs. I know there's not a great deal I can do now but it's going round in my head that he'll die soon and I'll have a guilty conscience of 'did I do everything I could?'