Father has dementia and i'm lost

[hiraeth_am_ddoe]

Hi all,
This is my first post about this. I find it hard to talk about it and the reality is hitting me.

I'm an only child, i'm 37. My mother passed away when i was little, so its been me and my father. He's 86 and has had a diagnosis of vascular dementia for nearly 6yrs.

Its been fine till around october time when his falling out of nowhere episode made him very confused and he had 2 weeks in hospital. His short term memory was shocking after it. Fast forward 6 weeks later and he falls and breaks a bone in his hip. His processing of things is even worse.

There are days i can't face him because i love him and can't see him like this. My own mental state is deteriorating, i have a small child and husband and work and everything. But its just me to look after my father.

He's aware his memory is bad which is heartbreaking. He can't use the tv remote properly, find his food sometimes, put a meal together. We have carers 3 times a day for food, he has a cleaner and me. He thinks we'll be able to stop the carers soon as he's fine, when he's not.

I don't have POA, i'm scared to introduce the subject to him if i'm honest.

I dont know what the future will hold, how long till the next drop..its just breaking my heart everyday. Even if i dont see him he's on my mind and i'm getting overwhelmed.

I don't know the point of saying this, its just i felt the need to say something. There are days i think i'm making up his memory problems and i'm over reacting but i'm not...

Sorry for the length of this. x

 

[maryjoan]

OH I feel for you. The power of Attorney - mmm you need it, but the problem is if he no longer has what is termed 'Capacity' you may have missed the boat, and you really need to try and get it sorted. Dad has to be capable of understanding what it is about, legally. If he is still able to to this - please, for your own sake, get it sorted as soon as possible.

When I did it for my OH - we just explained to him that many people have a PoA as they get older, its like making a Will - it just ensures their wishes are carried out. - and he was happy with that.

Please do this for your Dad and for yourself - otherwise life will become more complex as his condition worsens.

Stay on here, keep posting - we are all here to help you.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Hi all,
This is my first post about this. I find it hard to talk about it and the reality is hitting me.

I'm an only child, i'm 37. My mother passed away when i was little, so its been me and my father. He's 86 and has had a diagnosis of vascular dementia for nearly 6yrs.

Its been fine till around october time when his falling out of nowhere episode made him very confused and he had 2 weeks in hospital. His short term memory was shocking after it. Fast forward 6 weeks later and he falls and breaks a bone in his hip. His processing of things is even worse.

There are days i can't face him because i love him and can't see him like this. My own mental state is deteriorating, i have a small child and husband and work and everything. But its just me to look after my father.

He's aware his memory is bad which is heartbreaking. He can't use the tv remote properly, find his food sometimes, put a meal together. We have carers 3 times a day for food, he has a cleaner and me. He thinks we'll be able to stop the carers soon as he's fine, when he's not.

I don't have POA, i'm scared to introduce the subject to him if i'm honest.

I dont know what the future will hold, how long till the next drop..its just breaking my heart everyday. Even if i dont see him he's on my mind and i'm getting overwhelmed.

I don't know the point of saying this, its just i felt the need to say something. There are days i think i'm making up his memory problems and i'm over reacting but i'm not...

Sorry for the length of this. x

Hi and welcome but as other posters have said the power of attorney is in my opinion an absolute priority for you. You must try and sort this out as soon as possible . If you have missed the boat and your father no longer has capacity then you will find that you'll have to go down the route of a deputyship. Personally I have no experience of this we managed to get my mother-in-law to agree to be a donor under power of attorney. The idea that the person with dementia thinks they're perfectly ok is quite normal by the way. My mother-in-law thought she was perfectly ok although she could do nothing for herself right up to the point being in a care home . You are also entitled to a life of your own with your own family and you will find that you will have to start making more and more decisions for your father. This process will be easier if you have the legal authority with a power of attorney

 

[nellbelles]

Hello @hiraeth_am_ddoe and welcome to TP, now you have found us I hope you will continue to post to gain the support you obviously need at this time.
If you need information the Alzheimer’s society has produced a number of factsheets that you may find useful
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

 

[hilaryd]

Welcome, @hiraeth_am_ddoe - sorry to hear about your dad's increasing problems, and I just want to say that you've come to the right place and to reassure you. It's very easy to feel alone and panicky in your situation, but everyone here will understand exactly what you're going through and will give you loads of help, support and really useful, practical advice - and if you just need a place to 'rant' or express those difficult feelings, then this is the place too. Dementia can be scary and overwhelming, but you're not on your own. Your dad is lucky that you care for him and are looking for the best ways to help him.

 

[SewHappy]

Hi I'm an only child too and my mum has dementia. I asked her about POA by explaining that it would allow us help her with the paperwork when she needed it. We only just caught mum in time in terms of capacity but couldn't do anything sooner as my stepfather wouldn't allow it. We did ask a solicitor to prepare POA as we had family reasons for wanting an independent third party to be involved. We laughed, with mum, about POA and called ourselves mum's admin department. which eased the transition into us taking over. When she was still interested we did discuss decisions with her as there was a lot of paperwork following the death of my stepfather.

Then there's the emotional side too. Mum is in a care home, she's losing her language skills and is drifting further away from me and the woman she was. However I still have little flashes of my mum that I hang onto. Taking her favourite chocolates brings a big smile a thank you, when she forgets words we get an 'oh sod it' which was a phrase she used when things went wrong and there's lots of other little flashes like that that show me mum's still in there somewhere. I know it will get worse and there are days when she has terrible paranoia, anger about anything and everything as if she's being neglected; she isn't. So it's hard and not perfect but that mum smile just helps me cope.