1. Tina36

    Tina36 Registered User

    Jan 19, 2016
    27
    Any advice and thoughts would be appreciated .
    My father in law has been a successful business man for years always counting his penny's would never spend money unless really had to etc , hated shipping etc lived for work .
    My husband lost his step mother back a long to cancer nearly a year ago ..dad cared for her for several months then she ended up in a nursing home where she passed away a few months later .
    Before she took I'll we felt dad had some very irrational behaviour and short fused he didn't seem to take things in even when you repeated things would get the wrong end of the stick and cause unnessasry Grief then mother took ill and we kinda got distracted from this and put his behaviour down to the fact he maybe had been covering or stressed that she was in well .
    Any way things have become increasingly strained over months and months now irrational behaviour repeating same story's over and over , we have to repete ourselves over and over then the next day he would ask the same question like you never told him the answer before ! He gets aggressive easily but blames every one else , he came to work one day hoovered up the house wrapped the Hoover up took it away returned a hour later with the Hoover and said to a worker oh well done you hoovered the house our !! When it was him a hour earlier .
    He would say hello to trades have a conversation with a chap ask him if he needed anything then go off for hour or so come back and say oh is so and so not in today when he was talking to him a hour earlier !
    Then at Xmas a friend he's known for over 20 years saw him in town wondering around he stopped and said hello to him dad didn't recognise him at all this friend said he was concerned as he looked blank at him .. This is just a few things . His end of month bills I pay for him don't add up some totals he calculates will be more then the bill by a couple hundred one was short by over 2000.00 ! Considering how he used to be this is just all ringing alarm bells .. We Have said we are concerned about him he says there's nothing wrong with him we have spoke to his doctor she wants him in for a assessment .. Could this be dementia ?? One min he's fine like nothing's wrong then there's moments we question ourselves as his behaviour etc just not like him .. Any thoughts advice I would be truly great full :(
     
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,093
    Yorkshire
    Hi Tina36
    welcome to TP - I'm glad you've found us here and were able to off load you concerns for your FIL
    there's clearly something askew with him, and you're obviously worried and looking out for him
    I guess you've let his GP know your worries and it's good that she wants to see him - I think that's the way to answer your concerns and start getting support for him - so hopefully the GP will find a way to assess him; personally I'd put my energy into getting him to that appointment
    best wishes
     
  3. theunknown

    theunknown Registered User

    Apr 17, 2015
    339
    #3 theunknown, Jan 20, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2016
    Hi Tina

    Some of what you've said about your dad certainly rings alarm bells. The horrible thing is that there are people out there who have no scruples about ripping off people with dementia. This happened to my uncle, who was getting all sorts of phone calls to sell him things and he'd go along with it. There are vulnerable victims' lists that get sold on, so they get more and people targetting them. Luckily, he was able to agree to my cousin having PoA. Perhaps you could get your dad to attend the doctor's surgery without him having to know that the appointment is linked to fears of dementia?

    Does someone have power of attorney for your dad? Because if he understands what he's signing up to, and is accepting of this, it sounds like it needs to be done. All the best.

    Edited to add that I was never able to get PoA for my mum (she was convinced she didn't have a mental health problem), which led to deputyship through the Court of Protection, and that's a whole new ball-game :confused:
     
  4. Tina36

    Tina36 Registered User

    Jan 19, 2016
    27
    Thank you

    Thank you for your replies , we have made a slight step forward . the doctor has asked him to attend a appointment tomorrow he thinks it's just a check up on meds , we have given doc all diarys of events we have logged all things that have happened over several months and also photo evidence of bills etc , although we are not attending appointment as he says he's ok and can't push it with him as he's stubborn !! But it's s step forward .. Fingers crossed ! No we don't have power of attorney over him , to be honest gave no clue what to do or where to start , gonna see what happens after tomorrow if he says anything cause doc obviously can't breech confidentiality xx:confused.
     
  5. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,093
    Yorkshire
    Hi Tina36
    You do seem to be doing well - really useful that you've fully informed your FILs GP so she will be able to assess him effectively - keep her updated, I appreciate she may not be able to divulge any info to you, but she is clearly willing to listen to you which is great; an ally for you
    your FIL sounds to be quite a character and I hope you're ready to be a little 'devious' at times for his own good - 'love lies' can sometimes get more of a result than the unblemished 'truth'
    I wonder if he would be more open to POAs if it's put to him like a business proposition as just prudent financial action - maybe even say you are both thinking of doing the same, because it just makes sense to set your affairs in order - or maybe a friend/business colleague could mention it, surprised that he hadn't already set them up; sometimes father's will take suggestions from others that they would bridle at if coming from their children.
    Anyway, as you say, one step at a time
    best wishes
     
  6. Tina36

    Tina36 Registered User

    Jan 19, 2016
    27
    Update

    My Fil has been to the doc I went to his house to see him shortly after he would
    of got home , he opened the door and started crying :( he said the doctor thinks I've got dementia !! I hugged him and let him tell me , he said she hasn't said I've got dementia but I know that's what she's thinking !! He said I had to do some tests he said I don't know how I did she said I did ok , but she's referring me to a specialist ! Oh my days so many mixed emotions right now !! Huge relief but also sadness , not sure how long his referral will take .... He still said to me went I left I'm fine I'm not going mad started getting aggressive I said to him you need to calm down have your coffee morning with your friend and I will pop in again later ..I Just needed a lil time to take in what's happening . Xx
     
  7. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,093
    Yorkshire
    Oh Tina36, the poor man, I really feel for him - but best that it's out in the open.
    He has paid you such a compliment to feel so comfortable with you that he could let it all out that way - your relationship with him clearly means a lot to him
    You'll all need time to breathe and mull it over - there's no need to rush - just gradually begin to put support in place
    Anything you want to know - just ask here - someone will be able to help - and we all sympathise
     
  8. Tina36

    Tina36 Registered User

    Jan 19, 2016
    27
    ??

    Hi guys
    Well it's been over a week since my FIL appointment at the doc just waiting for his referal to come through , in a week we have had a few ups and downs , found a bag of unopened potatoes and in date pack of sausages 2 packs of lamb steaks and some eaten cheese in a packet on his grass just outside his house I noticed as I turned up there in the week , I said to him do you knows there's potatoes and sausages in the grass he looked at me blank so I thought I'm not gonna look concerned cause this agitates him more , so we went out side he said to me I know what it is some ones brought me a few things and just left it for me thinking I would see it !! Well must of it was fairly new stuff although the meat was a no go it had clearly gone off in the time it had been there but was in a clear freezer bag with a zip tie at the top ! And then he said that's the cheese I eat ! Picked it up and headed back into the house with it , so I had to make sure he wasn't gonna consume it , then he rang my husband today all panicked saying one if the houses at my husbands work the over flow pipe was pouring out water it was flooding and he couldn't get in the house .. So my husband called his work colleague as he had a key fir the house we jumped in the van a headed out there quickly , my FIL was no where to be seen we headed straight to the house everything was fine no flood no water flooding out over flow pipe not even a puddle ? We went in checked the boiler all fine .. As you can imagine the other work colleague was pretty peeved ! FIL had taken him self home my husband rang him and said there's no flood everything's fine ! I said to my husband be calm don't get cross , FIL was saying there was a flood it was pouring out ??!! What on earth ?? Is this what they mean by they can some times think things that are not reality ? Confusing ain't it ... So hope this referal hurrys up
     
  9. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    Very sad for you all. Does your FIL drive? Just wondered if you think he's safe to be doing so. He obviously is very muddled, the flood thing maybe something he had seen on the to and got muddled or a hallucination. Both very common.

    Maybe husband should tell work colleagues they maybe more understanding next time.
    Sounds like he has a good GP which is something. Has he got a secretary or someone at work that can double check paperwork etc for him?

    Hope appointment comes through soon for you both.
     
  10. Tina36

    Tina36 Registered User

    Jan 19, 2016
    27
    Fil

    Yes he does drive to be honest he's started to withdraw from visiting my husbands work during the week as workers have noticed he's not right he still has a social life to a certain degree but he says it's a standing joke with them that he's got dementia ! This is the first time he's ever said this to us ,he's driving has been irratic my kids won't go with him now but I wouldn't let them even if they wanted to .. It's so hard as one min he seems ok then the next these lil things happen , I took over all secretarial side of business when his wife died , my husbands brother doesn't want to hear about it or believe it what's going on if we mentio anything there's always a reason why he thinks he's done these things .. Feel like your treading on egg shells .. I don't want him to have this disease but at the same time if he gas surly it's kinder in the long run to be prepared for him as much as us all ... Sorry for ramble x
     
  11. Tina36

    Tina36 Registered User

    Jan 19, 2016
    27
    Latest

    My FIL
    Has been back to the gp and had blood test taken yesterday , still no news on date for referral or hopefully he hasn't re urged it and shredded it ... Things been so so he tried telling me he was having a affair with a matron that nursed his late wife ... Kinda took me off guard as I know she has visited for a coffee etc but mentioned it to gp as he's is saying they are full on ! But he's 61 she's 45 and married , but at the weekend he had us out in a hurry as thought one of the homes at my husbands work was flooding which when we got there it was fine ! So if it is in his imagination him telling people this potentially could be quite damaging for her to ... Oh my days we have all had lack of sleep wolrrying about him the last few days .. I saw him yesterday he was moody agitated obsessing certainly didn't look like a man in a fresh new relationship with a 45 year old oh my days !! Makes you feel like your going round the bend !! One minute he's actually nice and conversation is ok next you just want to run for the hills !
     
  12. Tina36

    Tina36 Registered User

    Jan 19, 2016
    27
    Sorry my predictive text ... I hope he hasn't shredded the referral ! And he's 71 she's 45
     
  13. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    563
    Hi Tina, I did wonder what 're urged' was! :D It can take a while to progress a formal diagnosis especially if an appointment with a specialist is required but you have done absolutely the right thing in getting the ball rolling towards finding out what the matter is - there is clearly something wrong with Fil but it could be any number of things so biting the bullet and getting a proper assessment really is the only way forward. It's a shame that OH's brother isn't taking the potential diagnosis well, some people are very fearful of any illness but especially something like dementia, let's hope he comes round to accepting the truth, whatever that turns out to be.

    It sounds like you visit Fil regularly so can you check for post each time? Or ask GP if they can confirm if a referral letter has been sent yet, not asking for details of contents just whether one has been sent - it sounds like the GP is pretty good. Re Fil's driving well that's such a tricky one, especially for men I think but perhaps you and OH should sit down and be honest about Fil's driving capacity - if he is already at the stage where he is imagining floods that aren't there and leaving his food on the lawn perhaps having him behind the wheel of a car isn't the best thing for anybody...

    Good luck and well done for making a positive move towards helping Fil even if it does feel so difficult, you have done the right thing.
     
  14. Tina36

    Tina36 Registered User

    Jan 19, 2016
    27
    update

    well lovely people feeling a tad nervous FIL has his appointment next Thursday some one from memory services for older persons is visiting his home, i will be there too , i have spoke to the lady and shared diary's with her that we gave to the doctor originally , lady seems lovely , she tried contacting him several times but he didn't answer but he has received the letter he showed me it , so so far so good .. only thing is his circle of friends from the club he attends and ex nurse he recons has told him its a absolute waste of the NHS money there is nothing wrong with him every one gets forgetful .. yes i tend to agree just they not experiencing life with him like we have .. any way we are worried the women will say theirs nothing wrong with him , as this is only explanation ive got for the love hate relationship he has with us all at the moment but trying not to worry unnecessarily i know that probably sounds daft , but actually reading through the diarys helps us to remain focused on whats going on at the moment isnt normal.. his latest is that hes having an affair with a 45 year old matron that nursed his wife , she does have contact but not sure theres love in the air , he also said she had had 8 deaths in the nursing home in one day she was the only nurse on ..and ambulances were having to help her ! all just seems a bit unrealistic or a fantasy ?! who knows some things are mightily confusing for us lol .. hence i will be glad to get to the bottom of whats going on with him at least for him and us... at least we know whats going on and we can work with him and everyone for a brighter future for him , any way sorry for my ramble ... so any one know what to expect in this home visit ? he had mmse done at gp's . many thanks for all of you that have taken the time to reply in the past and in the future xx
     
  15. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,992
    Suffolk
    #15 Spamar, Feb 17, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2016
    Deleted
     
  16. Tina36

    Tina36 Registered User

    Jan 19, 2016
    27
    What a day :(

    Spent all yesterday with FIL as there was a business meeting that took place at this house I stayed with him whilst they were going on in another room , well hind site is a wonderful thing ! He was fine one minute then like a flip of the coin agitated the next swearing saying F word .. And c you next Tuesday word I got him away from hearing range so solicitor that was sorting stuff for business couldn't hear ! In the office oh my word !! He got his statements out saying he never uses his credit card he's been ripped of for £65.00 so I said to him well if you haven't used it you need to ring them so I googled the name on statment of the transaction it was for a dating site I said to him what it was for he said I never gave them my card details ! Well he had to of ! Then he got statements for his current account pointing at another transaction saying same company had taken money out of another account ! Well it was different amount but was shoes he had brought ! .. So any way we get past this lil moment and I find 6 bills from business stuffed in all sorts of places not been paid with letter of reminders etc Only damn trade that doesn't email them , I sorted that any way and now they will be emailing them especially if they want there money ! Sorry for ramble just today was one of those days ! He now says he should of refused referral and that his friends says she worked in doctor surgery and they get £250 for every patient they refer ????!!!!! Well I was just gobsmacked ! He also said that it stays in you record so you can't get insurance ! He said I'm gonna tell them when they come I'm not happy !! Oh my absolutely dreading next Thursday now .. Had to get my husband to come and take him off in the van for 30 mins try and distract him and calm the situation down , was flipping awful , I think he's gonna give us all our marching orders next week when lady comes from memory clinic , don't know if I should ting her and warn her or just see what he's like next week :( x
     
  17. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,895
    Kent
    Hello Tina

    You father in law is having so many mood swings it must be just as difficult for him as it is for you.

    If you can, could you or your husband make an appointment to see his doctor by yourselves, just to tell them how difficult life is becoming. Perhaps you could write down the times and dates his behaviour causes you concern.

    The doctor may not discuss your father in law with you my they will listen and hopefully take some action.

    I remember when my husband was first diagnosed. He was so frightened he became defensive and very angry.
     
  18. Tina36

    Tina36 Registered User

    Jan 19, 2016
    27
    Thanks

    Thanks Grannie G
    Yes I think we will do that I think you have got a valid point about him being scared and worried I think he is deep down , I'm not even sure he's had the conversations with his friends but even if he has I understand he's gonna be searching for ones to tell him what he wants to hear I guess ! But even sure what they will do when they visit he's had mmse at doctors ... Is it a long old process to diagnosis as not sure if he will cooperate if he feels totally out of comfort zone ? Who knows
    Tina

     
  19. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,895
    Kent
    Assessment and diagnosis is quite a slow process Tina because there are other illnesses which need to be eliminated first. It took about a year for my husband`s diagnosis but we had only just moved into the area and the doctor didn`t know him. I suppose it depends on the individual doctor, and their original assessment and observations.

    I think you may have a rocky road ahead of you and all I can suggest is you ask for help. I doubt you will be offered help until you ask. The NHS medics are usually quite happy to let people struggle along unaided if they don`t let them know they need help.
     
  20. Tina36

    Tina36 Registered User

    Jan 19, 2016
    27
    Just a update had memory clinic visit 2 weeks ago found out today he's being sent for CT scan , so will update in due course x
     

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