Family conflict

Alibags

New member
Oct 19, 2023
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My mother has dementia and I live with her and my dad. As they are both 87 I am actually caring for both of them. My brother comes and stays often (he doesn’t have a family of his own either) I don’t really talk to him because he has been quite unpleasant to me for a few years now. A couple of problems have arisen. He has been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and might need to move in with us. And my mum has started to complain about me to him - I’m bossy, I don’t let her make her own decisions etc. what he doesn’t realise is that her complaints aren’t really rational. If I let her make her own decisions she’d be going to the shops in her dressing gown! My brother has always disapproved of me because I’m an extrovert unlike him - loud and talkative. After years of depression I’ve started to like myself again but if he moves in I’m going to crumble under the constant disapproval. I’m actually much closer to my parents than he is and I was a teacher for 20 years and I know how to take care of people. Any advice on how to handle the situation?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
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South coast
Hello @Alibags

That sounds as though it would be a nightmare situation if your brother moved in too.

People with dementia will often complain about their main carer to someone else and so long as everyone is on the same page its not a problem, but a relative deciding that what the person with dementia is saying is true is a recipe for disaster.

Why does your brother have to move in with you? I appreciate that rheumatoid arthritis can leave you very disabled, but can he not get support in his own home?
 

scotlass

Registered User
Jul 9, 2023
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Alibags, if your brother moved in , would that mean you'd be his carer too? it might be a bit much for you
 

Alibags

New member
Oct 19, 2023
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Alibags, if your brother moved in , would that mean you'd be his carer too? it might be a bit much for you
He doesn’t have a home - he rents and now he can’t work any more so can’t afford it. He also can’t drive. I’m the only person in the family who’s driving. Yes, it’s a bit of a nightmare. I’m so tempted to take my dad away for a week and leave my brother to take care of my mum since he seems to think he knows better than me!
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
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I take it that you don’t have another home to go to.

Yes, why don’t you take your dad away for a week and let him look after your mum. It might be the wake-up call he needs.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
23,472
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Southampton
couldnt he get supportive social housing? he could get housing benefit to help pay for it and benefits to live on. he has a home just doesnt own a home.
 

Alibags

New member
Oct 19, 2023
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couldnt he get supportive social housing? he could get housing benefit to help pay for it and benefits to live on. he has a home just doesnt own a home.
Yes - he could, but I can’t imagine him doing all that. He’s the kind of person who doesn’t want to engage with the government or social services or anything. He thinks if I live with my parents why can’t he. My poor bloody parents didn’t deserve a hopeless pair of (aging) kids like us!
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
23,472
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Southampton
Yes - he could, but I can’t imagine him doing all that. He’s the kind of person who doesn’t want to engage with the government or social services or anything. He thinks if I live with my parents why can’t he. My poor bloody parents didn’t deserve a hopeless pair of (aging) kids like us!
dont put yourself down. i just thought that if he could be house elsewhere then will take the pressure off of you. its very common on here that there is a family carer and one that takes more than they give.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
4,382
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Victoria, Australia
This is a dreadful situation for you and the mind boggles when I think of what you might end up having to do.

Personally I love the idea of having a few days a week away with your dad and let your brother even with his health condition look after your mum. If it were me, I would go even further and tell your brother that if he moves in, you’ll move out. That may sound harsh if you put it in terms of your mum and dad but I think in the long run, it’ll end up better for them not to have him move in. And you too.

What will he contribute to the household, not only in term of money, but helping out with caring for your parents? We have seen it all before, does nothing and forks out as little as he can and you’re the mug who does everything. Just the fact that he assumes he should move in without any thought to your welfare in all this, is so selfish and disrespectful.