20 years ago we experienced dementia in the form of an relative slowly fading away all the bad stuff, a week after he died my Mum called me down stairs for a serious chat, we were always very open and to the point, no double talk no deception we were our own people but loved and respected each other.
The conversation went like this "if i am ever diagnosed with dementia I want you to end it for me" She was completely serious the conversation continued "I know you would find a way, if I go away like that, if I am not me, if you look into my eyes and I am no longer me end me do not let me become a burden"
I gave her my word, this is not something I do often in 30+ years of adult life I have given my word three times.
Four years ago my mum was diagnosed with early onset and I have watched that amazing woman turn into a stranger, I have seen all she cared for fade away, my mum is gone, I am 100% sure of that, what is left is a hollow shell of a human being, eating only ice cream, angry, spiteful, talking to her reflection in her more lucid moments, walking around half naked, you all know the bad stuff.
I do not mind the work, I do not even mind the pain and fatigue, I've been a carer for my disabled wife for 18 years life goes on and you adapt, either you deal with life or it deals with you.
But the fact I have failed in my promise to my mum that hurts, you may say it was not fair her asking that but honestly how many of us here who have seen this nasty horrible illness would want to go through it ourselves, how many of us would beg for some one to end it before we end up like that. How many of us who know what it is like to care for another would want that jail sentence on some one we love and yes the isolation the experience it is like going to jail.
Sadly my mums dementia came on so quickly that she had no time to deal with it herself because I know she would have ended it herself.
The worst thing about all this is that I am an animal lover, I love all types of animals we have two lovely rescue dogs and no one I know who cares for animals would allow a dog to carry on living if it was in the exact same state as my mum, we would do the right thing, we would do whats best for them but we can not do the same for that amazing human being who brought us into the world and supported us.
As for me my only excuse for failing is my wife, she needs me and doing something illegal would mean I could not care for and look after her. all I can do is be there and be thankful for the smallest of mercies that my mum is not aware of what has happened because if she knew what she had become she could not live with it.
Sorry I just needed to vent in a place that just maybe some one out there has delt with this kind of darkness.
Am I a horrible person to wish my mums body would realise what her brain already knows that she is dead, am I wrong to think it is a complete waste of resources and time spent on trying to hold back a certain death sentence by days or months after a certain point when all it does is bring pain to all involved.
The conversation went like this "if i am ever diagnosed with dementia I want you to end it for me" She was completely serious the conversation continued "I know you would find a way, if I go away like that, if I am not me, if you look into my eyes and I am no longer me end me do not let me become a burden"
I gave her my word, this is not something I do often in 30+ years of adult life I have given my word three times.
Four years ago my mum was diagnosed with early onset and I have watched that amazing woman turn into a stranger, I have seen all she cared for fade away, my mum is gone, I am 100% sure of that, what is left is a hollow shell of a human being, eating only ice cream, angry, spiteful, talking to her reflection in her more lucid moments, walking around half naked, you all know the bad stuff.
I do not mind the work, I do not even mind the pain and fatigue, I've been a carer for my disabled wife for 18 years life goes on and you adapt, either you deal with life or it deals with you.
But the fact I have failed in my promise to my mum that hurts, you may say it was not fair her asking that but honestly how many of us here who have seen this nasty horrible illness would want to go through it ourselves, how many of us would beg for some one to end it before we end up like that. How many of us who know what it is like to care for another would want that jail sentence on some one we love and yes the isolation the experience it is like going to jail.
Sadly my mums dementia came on so quickly that she had no time to deal with it herself because I know she would have ended it herself.
The worst thing about all this is that I am an animal lover, I love all types of animals we have two lovely rescue dogs and no one I know who cares for animals would allow a dog to carry on living if it was in the exact same state as my mum, we would do the right thing, we would do whats best for them but we can not do the same for that amazing human being who brought us into the world and supported us.
As for me my only excuse for failing is my wife, she needs me and doing something illegal would mean I could not care for and look after her. all I can do is be there and be thankful for the smallest of mercies that my mum is not aware of what has happened because if she knew what she had become she could not live with it.
Sorry I just needed to vent in a place that just maybe some one out there has delt with this kind of darkness.
Am I a horrible person to wish my mums body would realise what her brain already knows that she is dead, am I wrong to think it is a complete waste of resources and time spent on trying to hold back a certain death sentence by days or months after a certain point when all it does is bring pain to all involved.