Explaining to children

[Anongirl]

I know this has been mentioned before but do you think things should be explained to young children?

My daughter is 6 and occasionally she asks questions like "why do you have to keep telling grandma the same thing?". On the whole she just gets on with things and treats mum like she always has which makes me wonder if I should tell her anything.

Yesterday I was in the car with my daughter and mum rang anxious about something. I had to put her on speakerphone and I saw my daughter listening and looking at me intently. I thought at the time that would be a perfect time to explain things but wimped out! I don't want to scare her or alarm her in any way but perhaps knowing mum has a problem might help her make sense of things? Mum would be very upset though if she thought I had told her anything.

She knows both her grandmas are the same age (66). She asked me how old people live to. I said all different ages. There must be a lot going around her mind.

Is 6 too young to have things explained to them? She's a bright little girl and doesn't miss a trick!

 

[Rooley]

I did...

Explain it to my 6 year old in as simple terms as I could. I was totally honest about why Nanny was acting the way she was.

My Mum lived with us and it all started when she wasn't getting up in the day, then when she did, her behavior became child like and my Son started to ask questions about 'why's Nanny being weird?'

Without too much detail, I explained that Nanny was ill, about why Mummy was having to spend so much time caring for Nanny but mostly about reassuring him that he was still my lovely boy and I loved him more every day.

Mum passed away last week and I had that 'Gone to Heaven' conversation too. He knew how poorly she was and he was super matter of fact on the subject... a few questions, and a sweet little memory of how she used to take him on the bus and he was done.

Since then, he's asked me if he can have her bedroom because it's bigger than his...

You have to smile... they keep it so real!

This might help?

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=108

http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/content/assets/PDF/publications/Download_MilksInTheOven.pdf

 

[Sue J]

Hi Anongirl

Yes I do think things should be explained to young children especially when they obviously pick up and notice something is wrong. Some don't miss a trick as you say and I think it is confusing for them if they aren't explained to in simple terms e.g. Grandma forgets things and can get anxious about it sometimes so we have to help her.

There is much in my life where noone spoke to me as a child and it certainly would have helped me if they had.

I'm sure you'll find the right words and time but sometimes it is difficult to talk to children because we have difficulty acknowledging things to ourselves and with dementia it is not something that we accept overnight. Children are amazing though and can put such a different perspective on things and often just take things in their stride.
Best to you
Sue

 

[Katrine]

I understand what you mean about your mum being upset if she thought you had said anything about her to your daughter, especially as your daughter is so young. This is about your mum's dignity. However, your little girl is impressionable and needs the right information to help her understand what is going on. Without this she may have all sorts of negative feelings about herself and about her grandmother. There is an Alzheimer's Society factsheet that might be a good starting point for you to decide what to do: http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=108

My thoughts are to find a form of words that makes sense to your little girl, and be prepared for the follow-on questions. For example, if you tell her that "Grandma's memory is broken" she will probably ask if it can be fixed and how did it get broken? She may worry that she has somehow caused the problem, and needs a chance to express her worries.

I can remember as a small child being frightened and unsettled when my parents behaved in 'silly ways'; usually it was my father being a bit drunk after a party. I was scared that he was not being a strong grown-up and might do something frightening. I hasten to add that he was only just slurred and jolly, but I knew that this was not his normal behaviour and it made me insecure. I would imagine that a small child might also be frightened about the oddness of dementia behaviour and want to be reassured by you that they won't be left alone to manage odd behaviour or questions they are not equipped to deal with.

That is not to say that a child cannot be a very loving companion to an older person with dementia. I see my young nephew and niece having great fun with their Nan, doing jigsaws, playing music, doing crosswords etc. Craft activities, gardening, playing with pets, enjoying a nature walk, all these sorts of things can be enjoyed by all ages and do not require lots of memory or conversational skills.

I would find a way to explain Grandma's difficulties to your daughter in a way that she can understand and will not find frightening. Then, because she is so bright, you can encourage her to find ways to help her Grandma to enjoy herself and to be less anxious because she is having fun.

 

[Anongirl]

Thanks for the links Rooley. Children are amazing how they can bounce back from things. I love your son's comment about the bedroom! That's so something my daughter would come up with! I hope you are managing ok x

Hi SueJ. You make an interesting point about not being told things as a child. My mum tried to shelter me from unhappy things. I guess that is what I am doing here. I remember my grandparents dying and although things weren't explained to me it still affected me because everyone around me was sad. I think honesty could make this less difficult for her in the long run and she might understand why I seem so sad sometimes.

 

[Anongirl]

Hi Katrine. My daughter loves playing hide and seek with mum. They run around giggling!

The other issue is that there is a good chance my daughter might mention things to mum like "mummy says your memory is broken, what's that like?". Then mum would know I'd told her!

 

[FifiMo]

In my experience your daughter is at a good age to have chats with. The degree to which you build up the knowledge can be assessed by you as you go along. It is the opportunity for her to voice her fears and knowledge and to get honest answers to her questions. I remember my sister being told what was happening with my gran. I think it was described as gran having a poorly brain right now and this sometimes meant she couldn't remember things at times. With the door having been opened an being told what was happening, my sister skipped off. It wasn't long however before she returned wanting to discuss things and have more of her questions answered. Over time things just evolved naturally. We came up with ideas that she could get involved in eg drawing a nice picture of gran's home, make a scrap album together, record your daughter singing her Nan's favourite songs. All of these things make your daughter have a purpose and honours that special bond that exists between her and ger Gran.

Kids often surprise us and we would be wise to take our cues from them. By way of example...My mothers friend had died and they honoured her wishes to by having the coffin at the house. We were all obviously sad and there were differing views on how best to shield her granddaughter from what was going on and there was a raging discussion about making sure the girl didn't get distressed about her gran being in a coffin the house. Then we were all stunned into silence when we could hear voices. When we investigated we found madam standing on a kitchen stool near the coffin chatting away to her nana. She told her that she didn't like the dress she was wearing and insisted that she should be wearing the red frock! She brushed her nana's hair with a lot of care, Very poignant moments and no sign of any fear or anxiety associated with what was going on. We laugh today at the memory of that toddler taking control of the coffin and dictating what was best for her nana and her being very proud of how she was looking after her! LOL

Hope this helps,

Fiona

 

[Linbrusco]

My children are 10 & 15
My daughter 10 has a slightly harder time remembering herself, that her Grandmas memory isn't quite what it used to be and she will repeat herself and ask the same question many times. She gets a little frustrated, and her tone of voice will show it, so she is swiftly reminded by myself or my son.
My 16 yo has shown great maturity and understanding.
He was almost 8 when my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumour, so DH has memory and speech issues, so he's well used to it.

A way of explaining it to a younger child is to get a balloon and blow it up, but don't tie it.
Imagine the air inside is someones memory and memories.
As the air escapes little by little so does someones memory and memories.

 

[Sue J]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/player/bbc_radio_four

On now live Womans Hour Children and bereavement

 

[Anongirl]

As a follow up...

I just wanted to share this as a follow up to this post!

I took my daughter to the doctors this week and whilst there she picked up a leaflet about carers. I took the opportunity to start a chat: "You know grandma has carers to give her her tablets because sometimes she forgets things or gets mixed up". The reply, cool as you like "I know. Sometimes I mute the TV so I can hear you talking to grandma. I heard you say that Milly is coming soon to give you your tablets. I know grandma needs help sometimes".

Gobsmacked ! I had to smile