Exhausted

[Jeansdaughter]

Hello, just joined.
My mum is 91 and living in her own home (one floor), with either myself or Carers visiting 4 x a day.
She’s slowly been getting worse (only diagnosed last year, finally, but has had support and a few falls-related hospital admissions over last 3 years) and this morning was found outside in the garden at 9am by her Carer, having been outside for about an hour. Luckily above freezing today.
The PIR didn’t trigger the alarm, so will need to check that when I go visit shortly, but I think I’m finally going to have to look at residential care for her.
She is extremely frail, can barely shuffle around with her zimmer, sleeps a lot and has no appetite, memory poor etc.
Finding a suitable pkace aside, has anyone recently been through this process and can offer support? It just seems like such a massive job - clearing the house, sorting the garden, selling it etc.
My brother lives abroad and is little help, and I’m not 100% myself……I’m 65.

 

[SAP]

Hello @Jeansdaughter . It is a massive job and can feel overwhelming but you can only take it at one step at a time. And yes it would seem that residential care would be more appropriate now. Your poor mum and poor you, what a fright you must of had.
The first thing you need to think about if whether your mum will be funded by the LA or self funding ( has savings of over £23,500) If there is a property to sell then that could well tip her into the self funding situation. The best way to deal with this is to speak with social services, if she has 4 care visits a day I’m assuming that they are already involved. Tell them that it is now a safeguarding issue ( due to the fall this morning) and she can no longer live on her own. Then like I have said , it’s one day at a time. The least social services can do is give you a list of homes, hopefully they will do more in terms of letting you know what care is needed and where it can be found.
Come back here with as many questions as you like. Many of us have been in your shoes and are happy to help with advice.

 

[yoy]

My mum is a self funder, which means you can just go round homes and pick one yourself. However, I asked social services for a list of local dementia homes (not just residential) which they have a contract with, so that if/when her money runs down she (hopefully) won't have to be moved. I then went round and visited some before choosing one. Make sure they do cater for dementia residents, whether they take them to end of life (it seems some only want the early, easy cases to deal with and will serve notice if things get to a point they can't handle) etc. There are guides for what to look for in a home and what questions to ask on the Alzheimers site and others. But many on here say look past the decor etc and see what the care is like, how do the carers interact with the residents etc. Also try asking round for local recommendations. It's a big job, so take it a bit at a time but start looking round asap so you have an idea where you would like her to be.

 

[Jeansdaughter]

Dear SAP and yoy, thank you both.
Mum is currently self funding, probably to the autumn if things remain as they are. We were ‘let go’ by mums Social Worker as I’d got it all pretty organised after her last hospital stay.
.I do have a ‘starter’ list of homes her SW sent me, but there are loads of others here (we’re South coast), so I’ll need to check about Council funding with them when I enquire with them.
Next week looks like it’ll be fun, haha!
Jd

PS - mum didn’t have a fall this morning, thank goodness, just ‘escaped’. She has zero memory of it.

 

[sdmhred]

Hello @Jeansdaughter

i sympathise. I cared for mum hands on for 2 years but we moved into nursing care in November. Am now left with sorting, cleaning, selling etc etc as well as visitingm working PT etc

It is completely overwhelming at times!

as @SAP says
-one day at a time, tomorroW’s problems aren’t for today - tackle each day as it comes
- draw up some baseline self care survival techniques- for me it is walking and doing my steps each day, visiting mum which is a pleasure- I take admin to do there and take advantage when the home offer me food. I look for some unexpected joy each day
- lower your own expectations of yourself. If something doesn’t get done, or to the standard you would prefer it doesn’t always matter
- eg now clearing up mums rental - if she loses her deposit it’s not the end of the financial world for her - especially if my sanity is preserved
- with care homes use common sense and your ‘gut’

- keep posting here!

Good luck!