I find that over the last couple of months I have become very detached from my mother. Intellectually, I understand this is most likely a self-defense move, but I am not feeling any positive emotions for her. My emotions for her tend to be irritation and impatience.
I'm tired of waiting. I'm waiting for her to die and I want it to be over. Actually, I'm waiting for her body to die, as she died at least a year ago. I've had a few good moments here and there, but I am mostly in neutral. I hardly ever feel guilty anymore either. I suspect that when she does die, I will have an enormous amount of guilt.
This is from someone who once was positive that no other mother-daughter pair were ever as close as we were and loved each other as much as we did. I cannot believe how little emotion I feel for her now.
My husband is wonderful with her, he hugs & kisses her, strokes her arms, holds her hand. I force myself to kiss her goodbye, rub her arm occasionally but that's about it. I'm finding myself repulsed by her bad breath (dental hygiene took a hike ages ago & NH aren't great with it), her body smell (she doesn't smell like my mother did), her pinching & screeching & vicious looks & the only clear words are nasty & swearwords. She called me a "faeces head" (I'm paraphrasing, of course) a couple of weeks ago & it was loud & clear. Otherwise, it's phrases that don't make sense.
I don't know if anyone feels how I do. I suspect most people do occasionally but this has gone on a long time now. The ironic thing is that I can be so empathetic for people in my situation but I'm no good for me. The other hilarious thing is that I will be facilitating my first AD support group at the end of the month. I'm sure I'll be able to do it, and do it well.
We have been travelling a lot in the last year and I suspect it's because I always seem to want to get away. When I am away (and I mean a continent away), I don't think about her. I'm too far away to do anything. When I'm here, it's the usual round,- feeding, laundry, tidying her room, doing all her paperwork, fending off her insane sisters.
I just had to get this off my chest.
Joanne
I'm tired of waiting. I'm waiting for her to die and I want it to be over. Actually, I'm waiting for her body to die, as she died at least a year ago. I've had a few good moments here and there, but I am mostly in neutral. I hardly ever feel guilty anymore either. I suspect that when she does die, I will have an enormous amount of guilt.
This is from someone who once was positive that no other mother-daughter pair were ever as close as we were and loved each other as much as we did. I cannot believe how little emotion I feel for her now.
My husband is wonderful with her, he hugs & kisses her, strokes her arms, holds her hand. I force myself to kiss her goodbye, rub her arm occasionally but that's about it. I'm finding myself repulsed by her bad breath (dental hygiene took a hike ages ago & NH aren't great with it), her body smell (she doesn't smell like my mother did), her pinching & screeching & vicious looks & the only clear words are nasty & swearwords. She called me a "faeces head" (I'm paraphrasing, of course) a couple of weeks ago & it was loud & clear. Otherwise, it's phrases that don't make sense.
I don't know if anyone feels how I do. I suspect most people do occasionally but this has gone on a long time now. The ironic thing is that I can be so empathetic for people in my situation but I'm no good for me. The other hilarious thing is that I will be facilitating my first AD support group at the end of the month. I'm sure I'll be able to do it, and do it well.
We have been travelling a lot in the last year and I suspect it's because I always seem to want to get away. When I am away (and I mean a continent away), I don't think about her. I'm too far away to do anything. When I'm here, it's the usual round,- feeding, laundry, tidying her room, doing all her paperwork, fending off her insane sisters.
I just had to get this off my chest.
Joanne