Elderly mother...with capacity

[MrsChristmas]

Hi there,

I have posted on this forum any times and have a member since 2015.

I have really appreciated the help and advice that you've all given me.

For those that don't know, I live next door to my elderly mother (aged 93). I think she has Alzheimers but her GP recently confirmed that Mum has capacity. I contacted social services about 2 months ago and the social worker reported back to me that everything is fine after making a visit. Apparently, mum told social care that I am around all of the time to help out which is simply not true. I told social care that and they said 'well, get in touch if you need to' and it was left at that. The stumbling block is the capacity diagnosis I guess.

I live on my own with no support, run my home and a business that pays my bills, it is pretty demanding but I enjoy it and I get to meet lots of people.

It has been quite a saga with mum one way or another and I'm beginning to think that I'm the one 'losing the plot'!

My father died a few years ago and basically ran their home and mum did the cooking, washing and cleaning and she hasn't really changed her MO. Since her dementia kicked in a few years ago, her ability to plan anything has got to pot.

I have a brother who lives many miles away who comes over every 3 months to do all of the practical stuff. Mum's rubbish piles up, her home gets a bit grubby, he pays her bills, sorts out out her eyedrops..he does a lot as he knows I can't do as much for mum as I used to. He is very supportive of my business and he is retired and has more time than me now.

Basically, I get mum's shopping delivered but that is all I do. I've stopped answering her phone calls as it usually means something's gone wrong and I have to help out. I've been doing this for mum for years but had to stop because I was growing resentful.

So, outwardly, everything is fine until something goes wrong with mum's home, like the electrics, plumbing that needs an emergency. Mum just does not have the ability now to call anyone to come and sort it out.

The main problem is mum has refused all outside help. My brother and me have tried to persuade her but she says that she is 'independent, doesn't need anyone....' I know that this is pretty normal for the elderly.

Where we live is very remote. The nearest shop or any facilities is miles away.

To be fair, Mum does try not to be nuisance but she seems to have got it into her head that when anything goes wrong she expects me to drop everything and sort it out.

Tonight, I've had a phone call (I answered it because I thought Mum wanted some food bought) from mum saying that her electrics have gone. This has happened so many times this year but Mum just has not go the ability to call an electrician out. I've helped her out so many times. I'm sure it's her dementia. Now, she is sitting in darkness and it will be like that for days.

I expect you'd say call an electrician but if I do that I will go back to where I was a year ago...calling an electrician, waiting around for them to arrive, explaining everything to mum a hundred times, paying the eletrician, plumber or whoever it is (because mum has no money and they won't accept cheques).. I just can't do that again. I'm 63, I've brought three kids on my own. I've had enough of care.

I know this seems a whinge but Mum just seems to go on forever, nothing changes. Will we be doing this when we're in our seventies (my brother and me)...

Anyway, I just wanted to give some background.

Is anything that I can do to change this situation? I have tried everything..social care, calls the GP...

I have tried applying for attendance allowance but there is no diagnosis of dementia and mum is pretty fit.

Someone once suggested that I move away but my business is based here and it pays my bills. I don't have partner to support me, my children are scattered, there are no friends or relatives to help out, just me and my brother and he's a 100 miles away.

I think mum is reasonably happy. She sleeps most days and just watches TV.

I just wish she'd accept someone coming every week just to help her.

Now, I feel incredibly guilty because there is an elderly, frail 93 year old sitting in a cold house, no electrics and no mental ability to call an electrician. I have suggested loads of times that she calls my brother but she just refuses as she 'doesn't want to bother him'.

 

[Malalie]

I do sympathise with your situation, but if you "..feel incredibly guilty because there is an elderly, frail 93 year old sitting in a cold house, no electrics and no mental ability to call an electrician." , you are going to feel a lot worse if something awful happens to your Mum overnight. I think you need to go next door and help as soon as possible. At 93 years old, possibly suffering from dementia, she can't help herself.

 

[Izzy]

I agree with @Malalie. Dementia or no dementia an old lady shouldn't be sitting in the dark with no electricity.

I do understand you don't want to go back to where you were but if something happens to your mother and you know she's been alone in the dark how wil you feel then? Please go next door and help her.

 

[Cat27]

Please get help for your Mum as soon as possible. It will be incredibly frightening for her to be alone in a cold, dark house.

 

[Sarasa]

My mother sounds a lot like yours, in that she refuses all help and trying to get a diagnosis of dementia is proving difficult though I think we are getting there.
Like your mother she had a problem with her electricity keeping on failing a week or so ago. If I'd lived next door I'd have been round to see what was wrong, usually the fuses needing re-setting or mum having accidently turned off the boiler. As I don't I had to phone one of her friends, who sorted it out.
I agree with @Malalie that you'll feel worse if she has a fall or something else. But I also think that maybe you should talk to your brother about persuading your mum moving into sheltered accommodation or similar where someone would be on hand to help.

 

[Juniorjunior]

This may be harsh and I apologise because I know how frustrating life can be when you feel you aren't in control but if this is a repeated problem with the electrics can you at the very least contact the electrician that was last out and request an emergency call out. Or call your brother. Or call out of hours social work. Can you not be reimbursed for this expenditure via your brother if he deals with your mum's bills.
Not sure what the problem is picking up phone to an emergency electrician at very least.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @MrsChristmas
the difference right now is that we're moving into winter so it's dark and cold and no-one should be in a house with no light and warmth, certainly not a 93 year old
please find the emergency number for your LA's Adult Social Services and if nothing else make an anonymous call saying the 93 yr old at her address is alone without electricity so is a 'vulnerable adult' who is 'at risk' because of the cold and they have the 'duty of care' for her so need to help her tonight - her capacity is a secondary issue

 

[Rosettastone57]

hi @MrsChristmas
the difference right now is that we're moving into winter so it's dark and cold and no-one should be in a house with no light and warmth, certainly not a 93 year old
please find the emergency number for your LA's Adult Social Services and if nothing else make an anonymous call saying the 93 yr old at her address is alone without electricity so is a 'vulnerable adult' who is 'at risk' because of the cold and they have the 'duty of care' for her so need to help her tonight - her capacity is a secondary issue

I agree with other posters. It is unreasonable to leave an elderly person in the dark with no warmth. But the bigger picture also needs to be dealt with. I remember from your previous posts that you are in a frustrating situation but I think that you need to keep pressing for a diagnosis. This would help with attendance allowance and social services. Easier said than done I appreciate. Keep writing to the GP with the concerns . Ultimately as others have said your mum probably needs more supervision which means alternative accommodation.

 

[jugglingmum]

I don't have much faith in social services in this situation, from what I could work out, my mum was known to social services, and certainly very well known to the police, they spoke with the next door neighbour at their places of work to check on her. She had turned her electricity off at least 18 months prior to the crisis when we realised her situation (she drove up to visit me every 6 weeks or so - and seemed okish on all but the last visit - and point blank refused help and stated she wouldn't have let me in the house - which both myself and my brother are convinced would have happened - with hindsight we don't think we could have intervened earlier).

The police and I'm certain social services were aware she had turned her electricity off, and the police stated that she had made a choice to live like that and there was nothing they could do - she was 83 and they did a forced entry in December - 3 weeks before the crisis as there had been reports she hadn't been seen. There was rubbish (mainly decades of newspapers) up to knee height in every room with no passageway of any sort, but they deemed her to have capacity. At the point I spoke to the police I hadn't read on this site of hostess mode, and I think the definition of capacity is somewhat lacking if an elderly lady is deemed to be choosing to live in a house with no electricity, and so badly hoarded we're not sure how she moved about (she told us she crawled across everything).

You do need to put this firmly in social services court, it is not your responsibility it is theirs to care for an elderly lady. I recall your previous posts about her demanding nature and fully understand why you do not wish to get dragged in. I think ringing the emergency no for SS is the way to go. If she hasn 't got capacity to call an electrician, she hasn't got capacity to live as she is. Emphasise lack of ability to call the electrician and don't let them guilt trip you, you have done your best over the years.

 

[Cazzita]

I sympathise with your plight - it's awful. Do what you absolutely have to do and that's it. To say she has capacity is just ridiculous, she clearly has not and is mentally ill.
I would ring Adult Social Services and get them to make an emergency assessment. But I would also call the electrician - it's just a ridiculous situation and not of your making so don't feel guilty.
Beg and demand that she is assessed and quickly. What if something happened to you? How would she survive then? Social Services have to be involved, no question. Good luck!

 

[CardiffGirlInEssex]

I agree with others posting here that both the GP and Social Services need to have it spelled out t9 them, possibly quite literally in writing that this lady is vulnerable and at risk and they have a duty of care to her to ensure she is safe. The GP is clearly avoiding referring her for a proper memory assessment because they don’t want to incur the costs of that. I tried for over a year to persuade my mum’s GP that there was a problem and she needed an assessment, but it wasn’t until her behaviour was directly affecting them (multiple phone calls about the same thing and clearly no memory that she’d called already) that they were willing to make the memory clinic referral.

Persuading her to go along was another battle but it was fortunate that the frailty nurse came up with a way to achieve that. Hence we finally have a diagnosis.

On the electrics thing, I do think you or your brother need to organise an emergency electrician. Electrics don’t just go off for no reason.

 

[AlisonE]

I would suggest sort out POA and advance care planning advance decision to refuse treatment etc see compassion in dying website for the best ADRT.
Then ask GP to refer for CT scan of head and to memory clinic. Say you want to clarify if she does or doesn't have dementia. There will be lots of questionnaires for significant others about deterioration.
Ask your brother to sort out the electrician he is retired he can come and do the waiting in. Sounds to me that he gets off quite lightly!!
Terrible situation I can understand how worn out you must feel.
Get in touch with the carers trust.
Sounds to me like she should be entitled to attendance allowance it is based on need not diagnosis
Good luck

 

[AlisonE]

PS capacity is decision specific so GP cannot just make a blanket comment. But while she allegedly has, get those POA done!!