Dreaded day has arrived...

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by sandy25, Jan 30, 2007.

  1. sandy25

    sandy25 Registered User

    Nov 30, 2005
    Dad is now in a home...
    I spent the first day in floods of tears...and the rest
    And now I just feel numb and cold
    Not had 1st visit yet. Any wisdom on how to get through it?
    What if he asks to go home?
    how long should you wait before you take them out for the day?
    is it worse for them if you visit 'too' much?
    what do you say when he asks when he can go home..?

    I feel like i've lost the battle for my dad and i've let him down.
    He's 65 and its just so sad to see him in an old peoples home.
    Its so unfair :(
  2. sandy25

    sandy25 Registered User

    Nov 30, 2005
    I don't really have a clue what stage he's in, not sure I really want to know to be honest.
    He can't go to the toilet on his own anymore, or shower/bath himself, is starting to fall more, and is a lot weaker/disorietnated than he used to be. So they're the main reasons.
    I know I couldn't look after him.
    I would just love to know what my 'old' dad would've thought to it all, but I'll never know.:confused:
  3. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    hello sandy

    my mum is in a dementia hospital, not quite a home but not far off,
    she wants to come home every time we visit her, she pleads and begs even offers to pay the taxi fare:(
    we spend half our time telling her the doctor needs to see her and we'll take her home "tomorrow" its a bit like deja vu every day.
    we are allowed to take her home for two days a week im not sure if were doing more harm than good but it cheers her up a bit.
    but it is hard to take her back.
    she's only 66 and all the other patients are in theyre 70-80's so i know how you feel there.
    I dont think there is any hard and fast rules about this if you feel you want to visit then you should,
    we find it helps if one of the staff comes and sits with mum and distracts her while we disappear, makes us feel awfull but my dad wont miss a day visiting!!
    good luck with this one its so hard, my heart goes out to you.
    i do hope he settles soon, you never know he might settle in and will be fine,

    let us know how you get on,
    take care x
  4. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    Hi Sandy

    I really feel for you in this. I can vividly remember my dad going into a home. I thought I'd feel relieved that he was somewhere safe, but I had less sleep than when he lived at home and was phoning me all through the night. Like you, I cried buckets. But, whether or not you feel this particular "staying out of care" battle is lost, the war is not over. You are still as important to dad as you ever were.

    I don't think there are any "Right Answers" to the questions you ask. I'll share what I found, and no doubt others will too.

    I wasn't around TP or anything like that when dad went into care. It was all a bit rushed and unplanned at first. No advice about when to visit or how to do it. So I just pitched up the following day at the first opportunity (after work). I think I took him a few bits of things that I'd forgotten the day he went in. Just sat with him, getting used to the place just like he was. You might want to take photos, favourite CDs, DVDs, whatever. I guess it depends how able your dad still is. Mine wasn't in particularly good shape at all.

    When dad asked about going home I just reminded him that he hadn't been well and needed to get himself better first, then we'd sort that out.

    Maybe try going out for short trips first and see how he is, and then build up to a day out if/when it feels right.

    I know it's upsetting, but maybe in time you can come to enjoy this phase of your dad's life. After I got over the upset of dad being in the home I realised the advantages of just being able to go to see him and watch a video, or play a board game or look at photos. Whilst he was living at home I was so stressed about having to be there every night and make sure he'd eaten and changed his clothes and locked his door and and and ....... there was no quality time. Now dad is in care you can relax about some of those things and focus more on doing those special things.

    best wishes

  5. sandy25

    sandy25 Registered User

    Nov 30, 2005
    thanks all. it helps. maybe it won't be as bad as i'm expecting and that he'll settle in. lets hope so
    maybe white lies like... lets wait till you get better etc will be a good idea. I know some family members might say well thats cruel coz he's never going to get better. But I think if that pushes him on a positive side then it'll help.

    donna that sounds awful, that she begs to go home - how on earth do you deal with that emotionally?
    maybe we're all a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for :)
  6. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Hi Sandy, firstly a big HUG.

    Don't beat yourself up over this. Your dad is the same age as my Lionel, just 65.
    It must be so hard for them. Take it at your dad's pace, but remember, that is his world now. Embrace it, try to make visiting a real pleasure for you both.

    Some residents at Lionels home do quite well from visits home, but there are others who don't. Remember life will never be the "normal" it once was, so sincerly hope you can both , in time, consider this the norm.
  7. ann60

    ann60 Registered User

    Nov 24, 2006
    Hi Sandy I'm reading all these posts with the tears streaming down it is so very hard. We're probably lucky with mum in a way because she is unaware of where she is so she doesn't ask to go home. Mum is 67 and has been suffering since her early 50s. I try to visit about once a week usually around morning or afternoon tea so that I can feed her. Some days I cope and some days I just don't. I saw on tv this morning that dementia sufferers are expected to double in numbers over the next 20 years. They're frightening figures. I just hope my kids don't have to go through the same thing with me or my husband. This forum is a big help. All the best with your dad Ann
  8. pammy14

    pammy14 Registered User

    Dec 5, 2005
    My sister has also just gone into permanent care and she doesn't know. When we visit she knows us but has deteriorated in the 4 weeks she has been there. She has blisters on her feet and cant walk at present as they don't want her to put pressure on them. Will she walk again? nothing like this happened when she lived with us. Its all so sad. she just looks bewildered. she,s the youngest there and she is 75.
  9. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Pammy, what has caused the blisters? Sounds very strange.
    Love Helen
  10. sandy25

    sandy25 Registered User

    Nov 30, 2005
    How did she get blisters pammy?
    Thats also my biggest fear....that he'll deteriorate even quicker now that hes in there. And i'll never forgive myself if he does. I know he's being looked after but I'm sure theres somethin to be said for the 'home' factor. We'll just have to hope for the best, there doesn't seem to be any other option than to just get on with it. I'm also hoping for quality time with him.
    Ann - they are frightening figures. Lets hope the UK wakes up and prepares for it...
  11. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    I think there are often changes when someone enters fulltime care, cos no matter how good the NH is, they cannot give the one to one attention. But there can be positive changes too - my mum needs two people to move her. when she was at home dad had to struggle on his own - and I think mum must have sensed his anxiety.
    Hang on to what Connie said "Take it at your dad's pace, but remember, that is his world now. Embrace it, try to make visiting a real pleasure for you both."- it is really good advice.
    Love Helen
  12. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Sandy
    I'm about to take the same road....
    i can't advise you but just want to send you a big HUG
    Love Wendy xx
  13. mojofilter

    mojofilter Registered User

    May 10, 2006
    My mum's still in the assessment unit (she's been there since mid November) and I'm looking at homes at the moment. (she was assessed as residential EMI but it now looks like they've changed their mind and I might have to start looking at Nursing EMI)..

    Anyway, I started out by visiting everyday but I now go 2 or 3 times a week. That seems to be the best for myself and my mother at the moment. Part of me wants to go every single day and another part of me wants to bring her home but I now know that both of those options would rip me apart.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that you'll work out what's best for your situation, it'll be hard (I cried my eyes out when I got home from visiting her today) but you'll work out what's best for everyone concerned.

    Be strong, remember that other people are thinking about you and you'll do the right thing.

    All the best,


    P.S. And if the guilt monster shows it's face, kick it up the bum !!
  14. May

    May Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    Sandy just wanted to add my hugs to the rest, thinking of you

    I've always believed in 'white lies' if they're to save someone pain and think it's 'cruel' not to use them if all we are doing is salving our own conscience, why tell someone in our parents situation they're NOT going to get better.............:(
  15. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Sandy, stay strong................just because dad is in a care home it does not follow that he will deteriate any quicker.

    Remember, when we were caring at home they seemed to be getting worse before our eyes.

    One thing I do when I visit is ask for a plastic bowl (now they leave one in his own toilet/washroom.) I soak his feet, and then give him a nice foot massage. As I explained to them, I am not questioning his level of care, just doing the little things that take a bit more time.

    He was not incontinent when he went in, and they have had to use pads for him, but he still presses his buzzer when he needs to "go".
    (They explained the pads to me as "should an accident happen, if he calls out too late etc, he does not have the indignity of sitting in wet clothes on a wet chair). He has accecpted this.

    Do hope you are feeling a tad better today. Love
  16. BonnieRose

    BonnieRose Registered User

    Mar 27, 2006
    Dreaded day has arrived

    Hi sandy, I have'nt posted for ages because mum went into care on 1st dec.
    I know exactly how you feel- all the guilt, and now it's rather like being a parent all over again. You feel you want to to do things right but feel totally inadaquit.
    At first I visted for a couple of hours every other day for two weeks. Each time I've had to explain why she's there,and even now she still askes. I bring her to my house twice a week for the day at present, occasionally taking her out for coffee/lunch/walk, but on the whole it's too cold for her yet. I find I tell her slightly different sinarious to the questions she askes- just judge how they are- sometimes I change the subject otherwise we litteraly can spend ages having the same conversation which does'nt do either of us any good. We spent alot of time crying together at first but she seems alot happier now.
    I am reassured that when I'm not there she does join in with the skittles and painting etc and even seems to have made a friend.-She's always telling me how they all want to escape! So two months down the line things have improved a great deal.
    I'm sure things will improve now, it's so lovely to see mum looking well cared for and her walking has even improved! My thoughts go with you x
  17. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Sandy

    Just wanted to say I really feel for you, mum moved to a NH in September last year, probably the worse day of my life.

    On the visiting I took the advice of the NH staff, they advised I stay away for a while, it was dreadful, however when I did visit 2 weeks later, mum had settled well, was into a routine, and looked a million dollars. They also advised that I never fall into a pattern of visiting because in their experience some residents end up sitting by the door looking out for their loved ones all day, so I dont, and mum's face always lights up when she sees me. I also left a home visit for a couple of months.

    For all that, she still wants to 'go home', but is totally confused about where home is......so I tell white lies, decorator in, leaking plumbing etc. etc.

    You can only go by a) your gut feeling, and b) any advice the NH gives you. I dont think there is any right or wrong to this situation. What I do know is that it is hard, very hard, but you will cope, and at the end of the day if we had of continued trying to cope with mum in her own home it would have been for selfish reasons, and not her benefit.

    Thoughts are with you, keep strong.

    Cate xx
  18. sandy25

    sandy25 Registered User

    Nov 30, 2005
    I went to see him, and he cried. It was so horrible to leave him. I've been crying all day. I've been told it gets better but I remember him when he was happy and content, not surrounded by people that I know would scare him. Don't get me wrong they're not monsters, but they're in later stages than he is...some aggressive. I wish he didn't have to live in that world.

    How do you cope?!
  19. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Sandy, sorry that you are feeling so low - you have to give both dad and you time to adjust.
    Dementia is one continual bereavement, and there are certain changes that bring it home to us.
    How was dad when you arrived? Have you managed to speakto the staff and find out how he is when you are not there?
    How do you cope? Well, anyway you can, because you have no choice. And gradually you begin to make the emotional changes that you have to, you begin to accept, and for a while it becomes easier.
    Sending a hug in your direction.
    Love Helen
  20. sandy25

    sandy25 Registered User

    Nov 30, 2005
    He was chatting and smiling with people when I arrived. But then he sees me and he cries. I asked him if he was happy to see me and he said he was 'too happy to see me' which was nice...and not.. at the same time.
    Its just so different seeing him somewhere like that I'm struggling to deal with it.
    We're not taking him out at the moment...while he's settling in..so its doubly hard as we're having to deal with the other residents while we're there
    I just feel so sad

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