Don't want to visit

[6FNAUTICLUB]

Don't get me wrong, I love my mum in law and would do anything for her but just can't cope with visits at the min. She has AD and VD but apart from a very bad short term memory, mobility and continence issues, she is well. But every time we visit, we go twice a week now and I take her washing as she doesn't trust the Care Home to look after her belongings, all she seems to do is moan and we go over the same thing over and over again. We are having to sell her home which she has accepted well but it's taking over our lives and whilst she can't cope with her finances anymore, she still expects to be able to keep her money but pay for care at the same time.

As I write this it seems so petty but Mum has been in care for 15 months now and we don't have a Mum/Son/daughter in law relationship, she doesn't even say Hello when we go in and I for one don't want to visit anymore, I know, she doesn't realise what she's doing etc etc but that doesn't make it any easier. I've told my husband that he will have to go once a week on his own but even he doesn't want to go, this is so sad but I don't know what to do, Mum has visitors but these people see her once every few months so it's lovely for them to catch up, for us it's just another visit where we are just bombarded with questions we have no answers to and leave feeling depressed

 

[Cat27]

If you're both feeling the same way cut your visits to once a week & see how you feel.

 

[stanleypj]

I suppose if you're absolutely certain that your mum in law is getting absolutely nothing from the visits, it will make no difference if you walk away.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Sometimes I think it's the earlier stages of Dementia that are the most painful for family members, the person you love, with the disease, forgetting your relationship can be heartbreaking....

It would be a shame, but cut down your visits if they cause you distress, and if you think she doesn't derive any comfort from seeing you.

 

[Louise7]

all she seems to do is moan and we go over the same thing over and over again. We are having to sell her home which she has accepted well but it's taking over our lives and whilst she can't cope with her finances anymore, she still expects to be able to keep her money but pay for care at the same time.

You posted in January to say that your MIL was very happy in the home. Just a thought, but is the 'moaning and going over the same thing' linked to the sale of her house? (It isn't clear from your post whether this has been a long term thing or something that has just happened recently). It could be that discussing the sale with your MIL is causing the problems, in which case maybe steering the conversation away from that when you visit might help?

 

[Chemmy]

I wonder if taking in something to physically distract her attention might help? I'm thinking of photos, especially those from her youth, or of landmarks she might recognise. By providing another focus for conversation, you might be able to steer her away from the more contentious issues.

My mum enjoyed looking at books with pictures of babies and toddlers. My MIL enjoys looking at old pictures of Bristol, taken in the 50s-70s. These can often be found on the internet. The library can also be a good source, especially the large book section.

I'd also say, visiting twice a week (or once) means the visits can be short.