Dear Resigned,
I was so sorry to read this. There are certain signposts along the dementia route that none of us ever want to encounter..... incontinence, roaming about and getting lost, sundowning and getting up at night, and having our loved one not know us..... they are the dreaded moments.
I haven't got any good advice really. You point out that you haven't seen her since Christmas, quite a stint if someone is declining. So you are confronted with quite a marked decline from last time, and this really hits home, I can imagine.
Based on my own experience, and Mum still lives with us, so I see her lots of the day every day. I still notice how my mind slips into denial each time I see a step backwards, or I try to fight it by being impatient. Not very adult of me, is it? Either denial or aggression as my stock in trade defence to downhill steps. However, after a very brief time, or sometimes a few days, I recalibrate and adapt to the new descent. The denial and aggression melt away and I can once again accept things as they are.
What would I do? In your shoes (which I clearly am not), I would keep reminding myself that I visit my mother to keep tabs on her, to reassure myself that she is in good hands and being looked after well. My husband (the wiser of the two of us) would say "Have no expectations". And he is right, it is our expectations being unmet and seeing a different reality to what we expected that is so gutting. I know that if the roles were reversed, and I didn't recognise my mother, she would still be there for me, checking on me, telling me she loves me...... and when I prepare my mental arguments well, rehearse them, I find I can deal much better - so I kind of listen to my own mental script, and then what I see doesn't cut me so to the quick that my defenses are down and ineffective.
I am a great believer in moral competence. If necessary I would visit my Mum even in grim conditions because I would see this as my responsibility. If I don't do it who will? And perhaps I would try to bring someone with me, just not to be on my own in such a harrowing moment as seeing my mum not knowing me. Then I could talk it through with someone on the way home.
None of this is very useful I am afraid. But I do sometimes think about when Mum will be at this stage - we are currently crossing the muddy waters of incontinence - and I know this is one of the nastier parts of this awful disease.
By the way, it looks as if your Mum wasn't too upset (at not really taking you on board), and I think this is just about the only blessing of this disease. Often they don't suffer their losses as we do as we look on. For that I give thanks. Rather me suffer than her.
It is a very sad time for you, and perhaps the hardest thing for a partner or offspring to cope with. Yet you went and visited. Well done you. Wishing you easier times ahead, BE
