Don't know what to do

[Singing Friend]

Hi, I'm new to the board although I have hung around for a while! A situation has arisen which has left me in need of someone to rant at!

My mother has recently been diagnosed with dementia. She also has a heart condition which now seems to be well controlled, so physically she is fairly well.

Some ten years or so ago she signed an Enduring Power of Attorney, naming me as the sole person to be responsible should it ever be needed. This was with the agreement of my siblings, all of who also agreed when we recently decided to register it now she is unable to manage her financial affairs.

Now that I have arranged it with the bank my mum is getting very anxious about her money and cannot understand that it is all still there where it always was. This has led to the sister who lives with her (together with her own family) in my mum's home getting very upset about it all. And now I've had an email from her husband, basically saying I did the PoA too soon, that I don't understand my mum's condition, that they live with it and know better than I do, that I'm not being caring or understanding enough, etc, etc.

I'm very aware of the pressures on full-time carers, and know that it is far easier to be someone who cares from a distance. I don't live near enough to visit often, and there is no room in the house for longer visits anyway, but I feel bad enough that I can't offer more care as it is. I now feel under attack for even trying.

PoA is a legal situation, and I know I can't just back out of it, but I can really understand why non-resident family seem to keep their distance. The temptation to say "you just get on with then" is pretty strong!

Is there any way to help everyone support each other, rather than lashing out? At the moment I feel I'm on the end of the pecking order with no one to support me.

 

[Isabella]

To be honest, if your mum is having difficulty understanding that you're looking after her finances then I would think that you've done it at the right time. I wonder if your mum's anxiety is in part because she's picking up on the family not agreeing with it. Are their objections purely because of her anxiety? In which case, I'm sorry to say that extreme anxiety is common with dementia and it is unlikely to stop at her finances. Sounds like your sister needs help dealing with your mum's anxiety rather than the finances being the real issue here? Please don't give up, they are right that their challenges with your mum are different to yours, but things will be a lot easier all round if you can find a way to agree. Good luck.

 

[Varandas]

Please don't give up, they are right that their challenges with your mum are different to yours, but things will be a lot easier all round if you can find a way to agree. Good luck.

hi Singing Friend and welcome to TP. You'll find support here as we are all in the same boat. I repeat Isabella's words and don' give up.
Sadly most of us have to walk this path. For me it was only my brother and myself and I too suffered hell from my sister in law and despite being 5 years since my mother passed away only now we can 'sometime' have a laugh. It is very sad.
There is no magic formulae as to right or wrong or what to do.
Be kind to yourself too. You are suffering too.
...and don't give up.
warm wishes to you

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Hello Singing Friend and welcome to TP. I suspect that your sister and her family are getting upset because they are listening to your mother fret about her money endlessly. It really can get a person down. Is there any sort of passbook or statement or something that would pacify your mother? Ask them what they think would help to calm your mother's anxiety about her money.