Don't know how to feel

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by di65, Apr 1, 2015.

  1. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    772
    new zealand
    Lex had his Memory Clinic visit yesterday. The visit was brought forward on the request of his GP, due to me seeing him on my own to discuss his deterioration. I had, as usual, kept a 'diary' of the various happenings, which the doctor reads before she sees me whist Lex has the blood pressure and weight checks etc etc. She was most sympathetic and rather flabbergasted in the change in him. She has suggested he now goes to daycare twice a week, rather than the once. She also added that she can see him having to go into full time care sooner rather than later. This blew me away - I don't know if I am ready for this to happen - he is only 66!! As much as he drives me crazy at times, and I enjoy my 'time off' when he is at daycare, having him away from me permanently is a whole new other thing :( The Memory Clinic doctor has offered me help over this time if I want it.
    How have others coped with this transition?
     
  2. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,320
    Female
    East Kent
    I think you could do with one of these right now ((((((HUG)))))) I so wish it could be a real one.

    Accept all the help you feel is useful not only for Lex but yourself too.
    If / when the day you dread comes you will still be playing a big part in Lex's care and life . Easy for me to say I know.
    XXX
     
  3. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    772
    new zealand
    thanks lin1 :):)

    I felt your hug, and greatly appreciate it. I do have a good support network of friends, so hopefully with them and TP I will get through this when it becomes a reality.
     
  4. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,342
    Merseyside
  5. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello di65 so sorry your hubby has detiorated, if you could get another day for daycare that would give you more (Me time) my hubby is getting much worse, but all the while l can manage to keep him at home l will, after 54yrs l won't give up until l have too. Do whatever you feel is right for you sending you a big (((HUG)))
     
  6. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    772
    new zealand
  7. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,342
    Merseyside
    Hope it helps xx
     
  8. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    772
    new zealand
    I have now read the entire thread (phew) and have learned quite a few things which I will store away for when I may need them. I have let a few friends know today what may be happening and have met with noting but hugs and good wishes. Perhaps they can see what I don't want to :(
     
  9. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,342
    Merseyside
    It's hard to see a clear picture when we are in the middle of it.
     
  10. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,725
    North Somerset
    Never expected to be quoted, Di, but I hope it helps. Do take it one day at a time though as everyone is different and you will know if and when the time comes. Best wishes. Verity xx
     
  11. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,725
    North Somerset
    Love your photo Cat. xx
     
  12. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,342
    Merseyside
    Thanks Verity.
    I hope you don't mind me linking you thread.
     
  13. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    856
    WEST SUSSEX
    Di - you will get through whatever happens next just like you have coped with your husband's diagnosis and subsequent deterioration. I was told that I would be able to enjoy my time with my husband when he moved to a Nursing Home rather than being stressed, frustrated and tired all the time I was caring for him at home. Not completely the true story but it certainly lifted a load from my shoulders especially when he suffered one of the many UTI's and other infections. Stay strong and positive - you will get through it. thinking of you both WIFE
     
  14. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    772
    new zealand
    Thank you all for your comments. One thing I do know for sure, is that I am going to get help from my TP friends when the time does come.
    We have come to our holiday home for the Easter break, and have woken to a beautiful clear morning - a change from the last few days. Lex is asleep in his chair, and as yet today, all is well with the world :)
     
  15. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Oh Di, How I related to your thread. My husband is 66 as well, but he has been in care for 3 years now. Like your husband, he deteriorated very rapidly over a short period.

    He didn't even make it to a day care facility. He was offered one, but in my opinion it was too late for him, because he couldn't do what the others did. He had become so difficult to manage at home, they took him into the Mental Health Unit for assessment. I was at breaking point. It was such a difficult time and the Memory Clinic gave me counselling to help me through. From there, he went into care, the saddest day of my life.

    Please let me assure you Di, that there is a life beyond. I have, and still do struggle without the love of my life by my side, but I have to remember that the decisions were made to ensure that Roger's needs were met. Our relationship has changed, and I enjoy being with him without all the aggro that went with his last few months at home. Sadly, he is now very poorly, but we still laugh together, and he doesn't have a care in the world! That's all I can ask. He's happy, so I try to be. I can do not more for him.

    Thinking of you. Jan xx
     
  16. farrand

    farrand Registered User

    Jun 4, 2013
    40
    hampshire
    di65. just to say i am in a similiar position, although my husband is much older. he has deteriorated greatly in the last 2-3 months and even with carers i cannot cope anymore. he is doubly incontinent now. i never thought he would have to go into care, but i know the time has come. we have found a lovely care home, just waiting for the room to become vacant. at the moment i feel no guilt, i have done my very best for him for 8 years. now i need a rest and recuperation myself. you will know when the time comes. all the best my dear. farrand.
     
  17. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    772
    new zealand
    I think this is where I have my issues. Lex is neither incontinent nor having mobility problems. I just wonder if I am just over-reacting to his condition and being selfish. I am an only child, so have been someone who has made my own decisions through life - is this just another one? My dear old Dad looked after Mum with dementia for many years and passed away just 6 weeks after her, so I am not unaware of the dedication involved, but am afraid I am not up to it:(
     
  18. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Di, we each have our own level of coping, and some people can deal with more than others. There is no point in beating ourselves up on this.

    I sometimes wonder whether I could (or should) have coped for longer. I was at breaking point, and my husband was struggling with life at home. I was unable to cope with his needs. Had I have tried to carry on, I would have been no use in fighting his corner.

    Only you can decide when the time is right for you both. No one has a right to judge you in any way, because they are not in your position. For me it was a sad day, as I'm sure it will be for you, but I know I did the right thing. X
     
  19. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,239
    Cotswolds
    Dear Di :)

    I care for my mother so I realise it's not the same thing.....but I was also 'blown away', shocked actually, when I saw her GP recently and he said he would refer her for residential care :eek: Other people have been saying this should happen, but when a doctor said it....well, it seemed to carry more weight. Can't entirely get away from the way I was brought up, I guess.

    Anyway, my point is that I have decided to do everything I can to make care at home work. If that is not enough, then I'll know it is time for a care home. So, I'd accept all the help you are offered ( eg the extra day care) and that way you'll be better placed to know if / when residential care is inevitable.

    It's a shock, I know.....Sending you (((hugs)))

    Lindy xx
     
  20. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,239
    Cotswolds
    Just to say, I could not agree more with this :) xx
     

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