My mother’s life is full of anxiety, and some of it is caused by well intentioned people who should know better. How come?
Mum has mild dementia, probably vascular. She lives alone in the family home since dad died 4 years ago. She is determined to stay in her home of 43 years as long as she can. She has regular activities 5 days a week, plus visits from me, a family friend and a volunteer befriender. The aim is for her never to have an empty day. She has meals on wheels, lifts to her clubs, morning and evening care visits, a Nomad box for her medication. I recently bought a Truecall box to stop nuisance calls.
My theory is that dementia can be a bit like alcohol – it seems to accentuate the character of the person. In adult life mum was timid but happy, likeable, anxious, with no real education or grasp of the world. That’s what she’s like now, but more so. Everyone loves her, she smiles and laughs a lot, but she cries in despair every day, and honestly I don’t know how much of the time she’s alone is spent crying. Maybe a lot.
Mum remembers who people are, she knows her own history, but her short term memory is shot – I don’t need to tell you that, but then again it seems I do! I’ve read that the emotional functions of the brain are the last to go. Mum is quite emotional – both ups and downs.
So, this is what happens when someone in her life tells her something important..
One of her clubs has an activity coming up. They tell her about it a lot. They tell her it’s important, that she mustn’t forget. They may write it down and give her the paper. That paper may get stuffed in her handbag, or lost. Within a minute of being told something, it is forgotten. What stays is the emotion – in her case, a nagging feeling that she has something important to do, but doesn’t know what it is. Anyone with an anxious or nervous personality will recognise that this is misery for her.
The sad thing is, these people work for age or dementia charities, social services, the NHS, or in organisations who’s members are nearly all old. Every last one of them should know better, but they don’t.
Imagine raising a child with a disability – legs don’t work, for instance. It would be cruel beyond belief to ask the child to do things beyond their ability – things they will never be able to do. Peter, why don’t you sprint 100 metres? Go on, try hard! Oh, didn’t you make it? Try again!
Asking mum to do things she will never again be able to do is cruel, and makes her very unhappy. As someone who spends a great deal of time trying to do the opposite, I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to have people close to her pulling in the opposite direction.
So..
Don’t
• Ask her to remember things
• Tell her detail
• Tell her it’s important
Do
• Give the information to her carer
• Tell mum that it’s all under control, that she doesn’t need to remember. That it’s not her fault.
• Tell her you care for her, will always look after her, even if she doesn’t remember
• Tell her that last time she did whatever, she really enjoyed it
• Be calm, and give the impression she is safe in your hands
One last story. Recently mum confused her microwave with her dishwasher… She was heating up a ready meal, and called to me that the microwave hadn’t emptied all the water out. I thought that was odd. When I got to the kitchen, she was befuddled.
I remembered what a child does sometimes when they have a small fall – they look at their parent for reassurance. In that moment, they are deciding how bad things are – they could start crying, or get up smiling and do it all again. I looked at mum, gave her a friendly nudge on the shoulder, and laughed. She laughed. It was fine.
Mum has mild dementia, probably vascular. She lives alone in the family home since dad died 4 years ago. She is determined to stay in her home of 43 years as long as she can. She has regular activities 5 days a week, plus visits from me, a family friend and a volunteer befriender. The aim is for her never to have an empty day. She has meals on wheels, lifts to her clubs, morning and evening care visits, a Nomad box for her medication. I recently bought a Truecall box to stop nuisance calls.
My theory is that dementia can be a bit like alcohol – it seems to accentuate the character of the person. In adult life mum was timid but happy, likeable, anxious, with no real education or grasp of the world. That’s what she’s like now, but more so. Everyone loves her, she smiles and laughs a lot, but she cries in despair every day, and honestly I don’t know how much of the time she’s alone is spent crying. Maybe a lot.
Mum remembers who people are, she knows her own history, but her short term memory is shot – I don’t need to tell you that, but then again it seems I do! I’ve read that the emotional functions of the brain are the last to go. Mum is quite emotional – both ups and downs.
So, this is what happens when someone in her life tells her something important..
One of her clubs has an activity coming up. They tell her about it a lot. They tell her it’s important, that she mustn’t forget. They may write it down and give her the paper. That paper may get stuffed in her handbag, or lost. Within a minute of being told something, it is forgotten. What stays is the emotion – in her case, a nagging feeling that she has something important to do, but doesn’t know what it is. Anyone with an anxious or nervous personality will recognise that this is misery for her.
The sad thing is, these people work for age or dementia charities, social services, the NHS, or in organisations who’s members are nearly all old. Every last one of them should know better, but they don’t.
Imagine raising a child with a disability – legs don’t work, for instance. It would be cruel beyond belief to ask the child to do things beyond their ability – things they will never be able to do. Peter, why don’t you sprint 100 metres? Go on, try hard! Oh, didn’t you make it? Try again!
Asking mum to do things she will never again be able to do is cruel, and makes her very unhappy. As someone who spends a great deal of time trying to do the opposite, I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to have people close to her pulling in the opposite direction.
So..
Don’t
• Ask her to remember things
• Tell her detail
• Tell her it’s important
Do
• Give the information to her carer
• Tell mum that it’s all under control, that she doesn’t need to remember. That it’s not her fault.
• Tell her you care for her, will always look after her, even if she doesn’t remember
• Tell her that last time she did whatever, she really enjoyed it
• Be calm, and give the impression she is safe in your hands
One last story. Recently mum confused her microwave with her dishwasher… She was heating up a ready meal, and called to me that the microwave hadn’t emptied all the water out. I thought that was odd. When I got to the kitchen, she was befuddled.
I remembered what a child does sometimes when they have a small fall – they look at their parent for reassurance. In that moment, they are deciding how bad things are – they could start crying, or get up smiling and do it all again. I looked at mum, gave her a friendly nudge on the shoulder, and laughed. She laughed. It was fine.