Does my mental health matter?

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
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South of the Border
I am so mixed up.

I am a very logical, focussed person and even after well over 2 years, still cannot get my head around my OH's condition, and it is driving me round the bend.

He thinks everything has settled down nicely after his operation ( colon removed). He thinks his dementia does not affect him at all. He has his hobbies and takes no responsibility for anything whatsoever. He is happy with things as they are.

I spend each day wondering how I will get through it, as I cannot grasp that this lovely, needy, confused, and docile man is my partner. I have had counselling. I keep giving myself a mental shake, but it still am not coming to terms with it all.

He is living in a world of make believe and I am living in the real world for both of us.

does anyone else feel like this?
 

AliceA

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May 27, 2016
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Yes, you are right. Problem is we are not dealing with logic. Perhaps they are content in the fog and that could be because the horizon cannot be seen or what looms on the horizon.
We as Carers do have to see what is on the horizon and what may be looming beyond as well.
Yes, our mental health is important, but it seems up to a point we have to find our own way through. We need to be clear as to what would help but we are on shifting sands.
I do not really know from one day to the next. I have to make so many decisions singlehanded I seem to run out of options for myself.
As you know I am waiting for the Needs Assessment result. It was suggested that I went away for respite. I do not think I have the energy needed! I am still working on two more mornings day care.
Just organising the respite for my husbands care needs seem too much at the moment.
I am feeling quite fragile health wise.
I feel I have accepted the situation as another volume in my life. I think this helps mentally but physically I am exhausted and my body rebels. The Needs Assessment did allow me to express this, they are aware they need to support where they can to keep me able to continue. What actually emerges is yet to be seen. I do empathise with you.
 

Grahamstown

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Jan 12, 2018
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He is living in a world of make believe and I am living in the real world for both of us.

does anyone else feel like this?
It really does my head in too, this ‘through the looking glass’ world, where a person can believe several impossible things at the same time. We are on holiday and he has been in bed all day with a nasty cough virus and I have been fetching tasty snacks for him and making cups of honey tea. Today was a milestone because, for the first time, I have been eating alone and chatting to other people and felt liberated! Later on I went down to the lounge and had a drink, felt quite strange, again chatted to other people and read my book. Wonderful! The steward kept an eye on him but he was glued to his bed. I won’t be able to do this at home.
 

karaokePete

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Jul 23, 2017
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N Ireland

He is living in a world of make believe and I am living in the real world for both of us.

does anyone else feel like this?

I feel the same Maryjoan. My wife is one of those people with dementia who will tell everyone that she still does things like the cooking while the truth is that she can't boil an egg unless I'm beside her, giving instructions and pointing to everything she needs to do. At times she doesn't even recognise some of the appliances. As for directing her to a drawer etc - it's like an episode of 'The Golden Shot'; up a bit, left a bit, down a bit ……………. - and even then it's almost impossible. As for finances, laundry, house maintenance etc., etc. Exhausting, physically and mentally, isn't it.

Getting to the thread title, yes, your mental health matters. I had to seek some sleeping pills from the GP last summer because my degree of stress was noted by my wife's consultant and I knew I just needed a pill to knock me out now and again when the number of sleepless nights caused by my wife's antics became too great for me to handle. Traditional remedies hadn't been enough and I have found those pills to be a godsend a few times - I hope I can get more when they run out!

I'm resigned to living with a person with dementia but I understand how bad it is now and how awful it may become as things progress. I was always a strong person but, since dementia came along, I often cry when I get a moment to myself.

Do try to think of yourself. I think that in our circumstances what we may once though of as selfishness is now a virtue.
 

karaokePete

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Jul 23, 2017
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N Ireland
Today was a milestone because, for the first time, I have been eating alone and chatting to other people and felt liberated! Later on I went down to the lounge and had a drink, felt quite strange, again chatted to other people and read my book. Wonderful!

Oh boy, can I relate to that! Last summer I got a few days in England while my wife stayed with one of her sons. I can still remember feeling elated the first morning I woke after a good nights sleep and started chatting to someone other than my wife later that day. As you say - wonderful.:)
 

Countryboy

Registered User
Mar 17, 2005
1,680
0
South West
I am so mixed up.

I am a very logical, focussed person and even after well over 2 years, still cannot get my head around my OH's condition, and it is driving me round the bend.

He thinks everything has settled down nicely after his operation ( colon removed). He thinks his dementia does not affect him at all. He has his hobbies and takes no responsibility for anything whatsoever. He is happy with things as they are.

I spend each day wondering how I will get through it, as I cannot grasp that this lovely, needy, confused, and docile man is my partner. I have had counselling. I keep giving myself a mental shake, but it still am not coming to terms with it all.

He is living in a world of make believe and I am living in the real world for both of us.

does anyone else feel like this?

Hi maybe your spending to much time in each other’s company, ok OH has dementia but he seems to be coping in his own way, obviously a person with dementia will go through certain changes which will reflect on a marriage I was diagnosed with dementia for 20 years and married 54 years this year how do we cope well the only time I actually spend time with my wife is on holiday abroad, even then we have separate hotel rooms, at home we sleep in separate bedrooms, so an average 24 hr day were only in each other company on & off probably 3 to 4 hours mainly for meals and doing the house chores, She works 3 days each albeit she is 75 goes shopping a couple days a week today for instance she was off at 10:15 taking two elderly ladies one shopping for new cloths for a wedding one is 88 ,

Ok this may not work for everyone this a story about me but I’m in no doubt if I was here with my wife 24/7 it wouldn’t be great for either of us because majority of my verbal conversations will contain many swear words and my wife hates swearing so being apart not swearing, hence I spend loads of time on my own brilliant
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
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South of the Border
Hi maybe your spending to much time in each other’s company, ok OH has dementia but he seems to be coping in his own way, obviously a person with dementia will go through certain changes which will reflect on a marriage I was diagnosed with dementia for 20 years and married 54 years this year how do we cope well the only time I actually spend time with my wife is on holiday abroad, even then we have separate hotel rooms, at home we sleep in separate bedrooms, so an average 24 hr day were only in each other company on & off probably 3 to 4 hours mainly for meals and doing the house chores, She works 3 days each albeit she is 75 goes shopping a couple days a week today for instance she was off at 10:15 taking two elderly ladies one shopping for new cloths for a wedding one is 88 ,

Ok this may not work for everyone this a story about me but I’m in no doubt if I was here with my wife 24/7 it wouldn’t be great for either of us because majority of my verbal conversations will contain many swear words and my wife hates swearing so being apart not swearing, hence I spend loads of time on my own brilliant
I can see how this works for you, and thank you for sharing it with me. We no longer have a car available to us - I gave up driving a few years ago because of sight problems, and he had his license taken off him because of the dementia. We live in a small village which is safe for him, but the only bus service is very limited. We rent our home, and cannot move, because no other landlord would take us on now my income has more or less been wiped out.
I do try to get out as much as I can without him. My latest idea is to stay for a couple of nights in a Premier inn in a nearby town - it's not wonderful, but i t is a help.
We have only been together for 8 years and are not married, so I do wonder why I am doing this....
 

Countryboy

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Mar 17, 2005
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South West
I can see how this works for you, and thank you for sharing it with me. We no longer have a car available to us - I gave up driving a few years ago because of sight problems, and he had his license taken off him because of the dementia. We live in a small village which is safe for him, but the only bus service is very limited. We rent our home, and cannot move, because no other landlord would take us on now my income has more or less been wiped out.
I do try to get out as much as I can without him. My latest idea is to stay for a couple of nights in a Premier inn in a nearby town - it's not wonderful, but i t is a help.
We have only been together for 8 years and are not married, so I do wonder why I am doing this....

Hi maryjoan I think some times its good to get a different perspective on various things in life. obviously our situation varies from yours I have always been a strong minded person and always wanted to be in control of my own destiny weather it's good or bad unfortunately although my mind is very sharp and quick thinking:D:D, it’s frustrating when words are lost in translation hence the swearing and believe me I mean swearing ;);), but as I said as a couple were very happy:), and like you we live in a village with No real Bus service however but we do have a Car each so we are independent and not really grounded

Remember maryjoan take care of Yourself you only here once
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
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South of the Border
Hi maryjoan I think some times its good to get a different perspective on various things in life. obviously our situation varies from yours I have always been a strong minded person and always wanted to be in control of my own destiny weather it's good or bad unfortunately although my mind is very sharp and quick thinking:D:D, it’s frustrating when words are lost in translation hence the swearing and believe me I mean swearing ;);), but as I said as a couple were very happy:), and like you we live in a village with No real Bus service however but we do have a Car each so we are independent and not really grounded

Remember maryjoan take care of Yourself you only here once
Thanks for that - we are only one county up from you, so yes, rural bus services are random - ours tend to go on long diversions as well! You seem to have found ways to cope, and, I know what you mean about only being here once...I think one of my main emotions is one of absolute disappointment that it has turned out like this. My previous life has not been happy, and we were happy just for a while, before this thing hit him out of the blue and shattered our hopes,.

Oh well, back to the drawing board as they say...... thanks for responding :rolleyes:
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
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0
South of the Border
Thanks for that - we are only one county up from you, so yes, rural bus services are random - ours tend to go on long diversions as well! You seem to have found ways to cope, and, I know what you mean about only being here once...I think one of my main emotions is one of absolute disappointment that it has turned out like this. My previous life has not been happy, and we were happy just for a while, before this thing hit him out of the blue and shattered our hopes,.

Oh well, back to the drawing board as they say...... thanks for responding :rolleyes:
PS - my kids say they never knew that I swore ! - until this happened to my OH now I do thend to let off steam verbally !
 

Countryboy

Registered User
Mar 17, 2005
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South West
maryjoan we all know the swear words and control and when and where to use them ;)obviously but when the old dementia take over the control goes right out the window and the swearing for most dementia people is frustration :confused::confused: i can email you all day and not mention a swear word but if i was talking to probably during a conversation there would be several :rolleyes::rolleyes:

maryjoan Keep dancing on do whats best for you
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
0
Mississauga
I am so mixed up.

I am a very logical, focussed person and even after well over 2 years, still cannot get my head around my OH's condition, and it is driving me round the bend.

He thinks everything has settled down nicely after his operation ( colon removed). He thinks his dementia does not affect him at all. He has his hobbies and takes no responsibility for anything whatsoever. He is happy with things as they are.

I spend each day wondering how I will get through it, as I cannot grasp that this lovely, needy, confused, and docile man is my partner. I have had counselling. I keep giving myself a mental shake, but it still am not coming to terms with it all.

He is living in a world of make believe and I am living in the real world for both of us.

does anyone else feel like this?
Hi Maryjoan:

I'm sure many of us including myself feel the same way. We feel trapped in a world that we never wanted or deserved. My husband was diagnosed with FTD (not the flower company as we have a flower company called FTD flowers in Canada, I thought when the nurse first mentioned FTD, I thought I would get flowers on a daily basis. NOT THE CASE BY A LONG SHOT). 5 years ago, my life went for a tailspin. He got everything he wanted for 5 years. I was always hoping to see an improvement but none was to come. I love him but not in the same way that I loved the man I married. I will take care of him as long as I can however I have come to realize that my life s important to. Maybe I'm sounding selfish but I need to take care of myself because nobody else will. Maybe it's spring talking. He maybe living in a fantasy world but I need to live in reality and this RUSH, RUSH, RUSH is not working for me. Take care of yourself & enjoy your life, it's yours & yours alone.:):):)
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
4,421
0
Victoria, Australia
I am so mixed up.

I am a very logical, focussed person and even after well over 2 years, still cannot get my head around my OH's condition, and it is driving me round the bend.

He thinks everything has settled down nicely after his operation ( colon removed). He thinks his dementia does not affect him at all. He has his hobbies and takes no responsibility for anything whatsoever. He is happy with things as they are.

I spend each day wondering how I will get through it, as I cannot grasp that this lovely, needy, confused, and docile man is my partner. I have had counselling. I keep giving myself a mental shake, but it still am not coming to terms with it all.

He is living in a world of make believe and I am living in the real world for both of us.

does anyone else feel like this?

Absolutely! My husband appears to be quite happy. He does only what he needs to and toddles off playing bridge four times a week. Everything revolves around his bridge games. This is pretty awkward at the moment as he also has to attend the skin clinic three times a week for treatment. But of course in his mind he only has a heart condition. Always, it seems a little unfair that he is the one with the illnesses but happily gets on with his life as he knows it.
 
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maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
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South of the Border
Absolutely! My husband appears to be quite happy. He does only what he needs to and toddles off playing bridge four times a week. Everything revolves around his bridge games. This is pretty awkward at the moment as he also has to attend the skin clinic three times a week for treatment. But of course in his mind he only has a heart condition. Always, it seems a little unfair that he is the with the illnesses but happily gets on with his life as he knows it.[/QUOTe

That is exactly how I feel - everything revolves around him and his ( at the moment) happy life, and his snooker and bowls - I may as well be the housekeeper for all the consideration my life gets...
I think the overwhelming sub text is that I know its all going to get a whole lot worse and this is as good as it gets - he doesn't think it affects him so he doesn't think it will get worse.....
I am the one who has lost my man, my income, my career, my everything to take on this new unwanted existence - oh well.....
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,586
0
N Ireland
That last sentence rings a bell @Lawson58! I hate the occasions when I get pushed to my limits and let rip at my wife with "I lift and lay you, as you do nothing but watch TV, and this is the thanks I get", only to be met with that initial blank stare and then the tears that follow her picking up on the negativity, even though there is no understanding of what I'm saying.

At least when you rant on here the computer doesn't sit crying at you.:(
 

Countryboy

Registered User
Mar 17, 2005
1,680
0
South West
Maybe playing Bridge is the way to go !!

by Jim Fagan
10th Feb 2016 5:00 AM

DOES playing contract bridge keep you smarter longer?

Kim Ellaway, secretary of the Queensland Bridge Association, believes 200 per cent that it does and she is backed up by Professor John Kwok of Neuroscience Research Australia

Last month we reported how the Sunshine Coast Contract Bridge Club at Buderim in a drive for new members claimed playing the card game could ward off dementia.

We put it to the test by asking Professor Kwok (50) who for the last 20 years has been studying the late onset of diseases in our elderly, particular Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.

His main area of focus at the Neuroscience Research Centre in Sydney has been how lifestyle factors actually work to protect the elderly and reduce the risk of getting these diseases.

In collaboration with Professor Parminder Sachdev of the University of New South Wales he has just completed a Sydney Memory Ageing Study involving a large group of 1000 people aged 70 to 90 years.

"We worked them pretty hard," Professor Kwok said. "They sat through a lot of cognitive tests with questions on what sort of mental activities they do each week like reading magazines, going to the cinema, playing games like bridge and chess and learning a second language.

"Our findings have not yet been published but we know certain disease genes when switched on increase the risk of getting Alzheimer's and what lifestyle factors are capable of switching it off.

"Activity like bridge gives the ageing brain a gymnasium to get fit in. Think of a brain as another muscle to be exercised. If you don't use it, it will regress and not work as effectively as it should."

The research by Professor Kwok and his colleagues at the Neuroscience Research Centre has been supported by contract bridge players throughout Australia since 2004 with a competition each year in May called the Bridge for Brain Research Challenge.

Clubs compete against each other and fundraise. Association secretary Kim Ellaway says it is strongly supported by her members who are "ecstatic by the amount of money raised, usually about $40,000.

"We have 54 clubs in Queensland, nine on the Sunshine Coast. Our total membership of 8000 has doubled in the last 10 years because people are starting to realise the benefits of playing bridge.

"I am 200 per cent convinced of this.

"You very rarely hear of bridge players having Alzheimer's or dementia."
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
4,421
0
Victoria, Australia
Maybe playing Bridge is the way to go !!

by Jim Fagan
10th Feb 2016 5:00 AM

DOES playing contract bridge keep you smarter longer?

Kim Ellaway, secretary of the Queensland Bridge Association, believes 200 per cent that it does and she is backed up by Professor John Kwok of Neuroscience Research Australia

Last month we reported how the Sunshine Coast Contract Bridge Club at Buderim in a drive for new members claimed playing the card game could ward off dementia.

We put it to the test by asking Professor Kwok (50) who for the last 20 years has been studying the late onset of diseases in our elderly, particular Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.

His main area of focus at the Neuroscience Research Centre in Sydney has been how lifestyle factors actually work to protect the elderly and reduce the risk of getting these diseases.

In collaboration with Professor Parminder Sachdev of the University of New South Wales he has just completed a Sydney Memory Ageing Study involving a large group of 1000 people aged 70 to 90 years.

"We worked them pretty hard," Professor Kwok said. "They sat through a lot of cognitive tests with questions on what sort of mental activities they do each week like reading magazines, going to the cinema, playing games like bridge and chess and learning a second language.

"Our findings have not yet been published but we know certain disease genes when switched on increase the risk of getting Alzheimer's and what lifestyle factors are capable of switching it off.

"Activity like bridge gives the ageing brain a gymnasium to get fit in. Think of a brain as another muscle to be exercised. If you don't use it, it will regress and not work as effectively as it should."

The research by Professor Kwok and his colleagues at the Neuroscience Research Centre has been supported by contract bridge players throughout Australia since 2004 with a competition each year in May called the Bridge for Brain Research Challenge.

Clubs compete against each other and fundraise. Association secretary Kim Ellaway says it is strongly supported by her members who are "ecstatic by the amount of money raised, usually about $40,000.

"We have 54 clubs in Queensland, nine on the Sunshine Coast. Our total membership of 8000 has doubled in the last 10 years because people are starting to realise the benefits of playing bridge.

"I am 200 per cent convinced of this.

"You very rarely hear of bridge players having Alzheimer's or dementia."

I DISAGREE!!!!!!!!!

My husband has always been a very skilled card player but it did not stop him getting Alzheimer's. Perhaps playing bridge has slowed his decline and his geriatrician is certainly of that opinion. Interestingly enough, it has been his long term memory that has failed him, not being able to recall much of the first twenty two years of his life.

His short term memory is only now showing signs of decline. I think it is a bit like tunnel vision where his world is contained in a narrow space with little reference to other things. Another interesting fact is that my husband comes from a family of bookmakers and he never messes up with anything mathematical and that correlates with the game of bridge.

Several members of his club have retired from playing bridge because they have Alzheimer's or another form of dementia. And believe me, there are quite a few incidents of people getting lost, forgetting that they were supposed to be playing, and just generally doing odd things, like getting confused by daylight saving etc. Considering the average age of the players is about mid to late seventies, there would be a reasonable number of members who could well be able tick the boxes for AD.

The article assumes that people are joining bridge clubs because they realise the benefits of playing but they don't really know that is the real reason. The population is aging and there are lots of people who don't really want to play bingo or lawn bowls. It is also a bit of an 'elitist' pastime so there would be people who see it as a status symbol.

The structure of points and 'masters' awards that form the basis for competition feed into this snobby aspect and it seems that people with obsessive personalities tend to be better players. And the article did say that it could ward off dementia ' but that still leaves the question open, doesn't it?

My husband has run the whole gamut of neuropsychological testing and has several areas of cognitive deficits and was indeed given the diagnosis of non-amnesiac Alzheimer's which I guess fits in with his ability to play bridge.

All I know is that I am not exactly hankering to learn to play bridge. I would rather be outside working in my garden or volunteering with my environmental group. But if bridge keeps him happy and busy that's all good but it freaks me out when I wonder what he is going to do when he can no longer play.
 

Grahamstown

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Jan 12, 2018
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East of England
My husband has always been a very skilled card player but it did not stop him getting Alzheimer's.
I agree with you because all the healthy living in the world didn’t stop my husband getting Alzheimer’s either, academic work, all the recommended foods, exercise regularly etc. His risk factor may have been smoking until the age of twenty five. The word on the Understanding Dementia course is that all these strategies are able to delay the onset of the disease but not prevent it. In my husband’s case I am convinced that it delayed the obvious onset of dementia for about 10 years which is about normal. So it’s worth playing contract bridge if it’s your scene and doing all the recommended things as long as you don’t imagine it can stop dementia because it can’t. If you are going to get you inevitably will.
 

Grahamstown

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Jan 12, 2018
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84
East of England
I hate the occasions when I get pushed to my limits and let rip at my wife with "I lift and lay you, as you do nothing...
I have just had a similar episode as I pack and he lies on the bed watching every move so I said either you close your eyes and have a rest as you wanted or you can get up and help me pack but what you can’t do is lie there and watch my every move. You can imagine what he did and it was not packing.