My mother in law is in the beginning stages of dementia. She is mostly with it, but is struggling with word and comes out with sentences that don't make sense. She is aware that she is struggling and calls herself stupid when she messes up. My father in law wants to sit down with her and confront her with the fact that she has dementia. My wife and I are at a loss to know whether that is going to help or not. Whenever I am around her (we both live on the same property), I just go with the flow and try to NOT let on that she isn't making sense. Any advice is appreciated.
Do you talk to them about their condition?
- Thread starter Fikey
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Hello @Fikey , has your mother in law actually had a diagnosis of dementia, as you say she’s in the early stages.
Confronting anyone with anything, especially regarding dementia, is not the way forward. Would your father in law like to receive that kind of approach? And what kind of response from his wife is he expecting?
I think your positive encouragement is the way to go, a little empathy goes a long way. Many of us just refer to memories getting more forgettable as we get older, which is much more acceptable.
Hi Both, I tried talking it out with my mum and dad when she was (Obviously to me) experiencing the early stages of dementia. They both resisted and insisted nothing was wrong and it took an 'event' to highlight to them both that she needed proper testing and diagnosis. It eventually turned out to be dementia, I think if I'd encouraged them to seek help earlier maybe treatment could have given her prolonged mobility and ability to speak. Unfortunately, things were quite far gone when they eventually ended up with a memory clinic and diagnosis. I'd do them a favor and talk it out if that were possible at all.
I tried to talk to my mum recently about her diagnosis, which she has been told about by her psychiatrist but doesn’t accept. I had hoped that if we CouId accept and work as a team, she might understand why I was introducing certain new things like security cameras. She simply wouldn’t listen, told me I’d somehow got it into my head that there was something wrong with her memory, and got upset so we just had a cup of tea and talked about her childhood instead as usual.
I discussed it with a dementia support worker the next day and she said gently that it was probably pointless because even if I got mum to accept her diagnosis on one occasion she would immediately forget. But remember the distress caused. And that it’s best to avoid causing distress to PWD.
It really is catch 22 but I have accepted now that there will be no “lightbulb moment “ denial is part of the illness itself.
I discussed it with a dementia support worker the next day and she said gently that it was probably pointless because even if I got mum to accept her diagnosis on one occasion she would immediately forget. But remember the distress caused. And that it’s best to avoid causing distress to PWD.
It really is catch 22 but I have accepted now that there will be no “lightbulb moment “ denial is part of the illness itself.
Hello, I have been in a similar situation this week, my mum was diagnosed on Tuesday with Vascular Dementia. We have been told she is in 'the middle stage'
I started reading posts on this forum 2 months ago, for some support and insight as I was sure my mum had Dementia.
From reading other people's experiences and advice, I became aware that it is better to not to confront the PWD and let them lead conversations, without challenging or arguing.
However, my Stepdad who is mum's carer also seems to be in denial. Following the diagnosis I tried to talk to him about the Dementia diagnosis, but he is, as always minimising the situation, not taking responsibility for future necessary tasks (such as finances, household bills, making a will). My mum does all the finances, bills are in her name and she controls their joint bank account.
I don't know if it's denial or he's not accepting, so ignoring the diagnosis.
I've attempted to talk to him, mentioned LPOA but he says, "no one will sort our finances or make decisions for either of us"
It's frustrating and worrying as I'm trying to talk it through, to make it easier for them both, while mum still has capacity. As I know as mum's dementia progresses she will be unable to make decisions.
Hi @Fikey and welcome to the Forum. There is a difference between trying to encourage a person to see their GP when dementia is suspected and dealing with the diagnosis when it has been made. In the first case some persuasion may be needed using a supportive approach that points out that the person is having 'memory problems' (a useful but inaccurate euphemism). Once a diagnosis has been made the person may not understand, deny, or simply be totally oblivious to their condition. No amount of rational discussion, much less confrontation, will get through to the person. Even if they were to acknowledge the fact of their dementia they wouldn't be able to change its course or alter their behaviour.
It isn't going to help your mother in law to 'know' she has dementia or how it manifests. Far better from a carer's perspective to acknowledge what can't be changed, identify and arrange to meet her care needs, and find the best way of coping with the stress that you will inevitably feel.
It isn't going to help your mother in law to 'know' she has dementia or how it manifests. Far better from a carer's perspective to acknowledge what can't be changed, identify and arrange to meet her care needs, and find the best way of coping with the stress that you will inevitably feel.
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Because dad likes to know facts then deal with them, I’d always try to do just that. Unfortunately for dad, he was never taken to a memory clinic or had the results of his scan explained to him so I made it my job to explain the results of his scan as best I could. We’ve never known what ‘stage’ of dementia dad is in as we’ve never been told and I dint know how they’d measure that or come to that conclusion. So everything has always felt a bit ‘up in the air’. No clear diagnosis except one ct scan that said the areas of the brain were clinically typical of Alzheimer’s. That was it. So I’ve googled lots of info so I can explain to dad what this all means. Initially he was a bit taken aback. Then frightened (2 of his sisters had it) but were cared for at home by their husbands. Although dad will ask detailed questions and ask me how I know for sure about certain things, I find that when I tell him, he gets upset and goes as far as to say he might as well die. His life is not his own. Or say so basically if he says anything it can be used against him by saying he has Alzheimer’s. I totally understand that. As well all know, it can be difficult to know if what we are being told by PWD is true or accurate or did they just forget. It’s bound to leave you feeling vulnerable and sadly there’s nothing we can do about that. I now try not to mention Alzheimer’s or how it’s normal to forget things etc. as dad does get upset by it. Even if he does ask questions. The only good thing is that he may forget that conversation so firget how he was upset by it l. Doesn’t stop him asking again though.
Thank you for your reply, it's helpful to me, especially your last paragraph.
Today is the first time mum has asked what it is the Dr said she has. I didn't lie, i told her it was vascular Dementia, but tried then to talk about the positive things.
Unfortunately a close friend of hers, who died in December, had vascular dementia, which she remembered. Mum said, "I don't want to have that"
I quickly distracted her by changing the conversation.
It is so hard to know what the best thing to say is.
I'm definitely trying to get my stepdad to acknowledge what won't change and look at what 'we' can do to meet mum's needs.
This is the difficulty I am facing now.
It is very difficult. Can you talk with your Mum alone and suggest she chooses two people who "could" help her with finances "when the need arises"? It doesn't mean anyone will take over until such time it is needed. The "donor", being the person who needs support still has the chance to with with the "attorney" who will be working on her behalf. Any point in talkin to a solicitor with her while she still can?
I have set it up for my hubby and am asking my daughter to do it for me too, although my needs at the moment are more physical legwork.
Have you got a dementia support worker who could speak with you all? We found one very helpful although a lot to take in, but it was a good idea to throw ideas into the conversation, but not to confront. Everyone's dementia goes at their own speed, but knowing how to handle it is good. It is about being a step ahead and being aware as a carer. Yes, it is still new to me too and do any of us get it right?
My response is to reassure him that he feels well, we are together, and not remembering things is not important compared to the good times we still share. It is useless to point out realities, as explanations are quickly forgotten. The important thing is to help reduce anxiety and promote the best quality of life that remains.
Thank you for taking the time to answer, with your sound advice.
I will try a conversation with mum.
But my main issue at the moment is, my mum only has a joint bank account with my stepdad (although he doesn't use it at all).
In July mum went into the bank and asked them to take stepdads name off the joint account, as she wanted it to be just hers.
But he found out and went back and told them to put his name back on (that's the story I've been told by them both)
Stepdad has always been secretive about his finances, he is very private - past experiences with his Grandmother & mothers Wills & finances, have made him suspicious of anyone other than himself sorting his finances. Consequently, he hasn't made a will, and last week he told me, he doesn't want any family named as their executor of will. They are looking at having a neighbour - very upsetting asit makes me feel like I'm not trusted.
To add more problems, my stepdad has a son (illegitimate, from an affaire, before mum married him), who he hasn't seen or spoken to in 30 years, sons choice.
He turned up yesterday asking to meet & talk to dad. My mum doesn't like him, as in the past the son has wanted money.
If my my mum was on her own it would be much easier, but as stepdad is nok I have no authority.
I am going to speak to mum's CPN to see if she can advise me.
I think the CPN might be able to have those conversations. Worth asking her.
Maybe my stepdad will respect her and listen, then plan.
All we can do is try our best to get it right.
It all sounds very difficult. Maybe a chat with a solicitor might help. I hope the CPN is helpful. Best wishes.
Hi there
Has your Mum in Law had any falls or hospital stays.
I told my Dad he had a fall and it has affected his short term memory and then I laugh about it and say when I take him out in the wheelchair I say " Dad do you remember that place " and he says of course I bloody do...then other days he forgets like today!
He always seems happy with that response and he always asks for me when he is having a bad memory time. He does not really know I am his Daughter anymore, it has been like that a long time now but he does know I am the person who looks after him and asks for me when he is scared x good luck as it is an awful journey. But then this weekend my Brother said to my Nephew ( who has just had a baby girl) Girls are always Daddys girls...I gave my Dad a thumbs up and he done it back. It is only a little thing but to me it meant so much xx you can only make sure they have reassurance x
Has your Mum in Law had any falls or hospital stays.
I told my Dad he had a fall and it has affected his short term memory and then I laugh about it and say when I take him out in the wheelchair I say " Dad do you remember that place " and he says of course I bloody do...then other days he forgets like today!
He always seems happy with that response and he always asks for me when he is having a bad memory time. He does not really know I am his Daughter anymore, it has been like that a long time now but he does know I am the person who looks after him and asks for me when he is scared x good luck as it is an awful journey. But then this weekend my Brother said to my Nephew ( who has just had a baby girl) Girls are always Daddys girls...I gave my Dad a thumbs up and he done it back. It is only a little thing but to me it meant so much xx you can only make sure they have reassurance x
Mum is 96 with, officially diagnosed, moderate atypical Alzheimers. She has never been given her diagnosis. She was diagnosed by a memory clinic which was in England but before they could talk to her about her diagnosis we had to find a suitable care home for her (fantastic BTW) which happened to be in Wales. They would not send a nurse into a different health authority to speak to her.
But as far as I'm concerned that is fine - Mum is terrified of getting dementia - her sister died of Alzheimers. As far as Mum is concerned there is nothing much wrong with her apart from a bit of a poor memory. She had had several falls before a hospital admission and was discharged into a care home and the DoLS confirms this is the only safe type of care for her. So we tell her - on the very rare occasion when she asks why she is there or what is wrong with her - "you fell, you bumped your head, you probably had a bit of a bleed on the brain which has acted like a bit of a stroke". She accepts this and isn't frightened by it.
But as far as I'm concerned that is fine - Mum is terrified of getting dementia - her sister died of Alzheimers. As far as Mum is concerned there is nothing much wrong with her apart from a bit of a poor memory. She had had several falls before a hospital admission and was discharged into a care home and the DoLS confirms this is the only safe type of care for her. So we tell her - on the very rare occasion when she asks why she is there or what is wrong with her - "you fell, you bumped your head, you probably had a bit of a bleed on the brain which has acted like a bit of a stroke". She accepts this and isn't frightened by it.
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