Do we do enough for mum??

[saskia]

Its so hard to judge this one - i'm sitting here working from home - but am fielding the umpteen calls from mum; -

''where's my dog (he died in Nov)
Where's my car keys (DVLA revoked her licence 2 weeks ago)
''where's my debit card'' - (she hides it constantly - i know its to put in a safe place but grrr!)

and thats only half of them...so have prob spoken to mum about 10 times already today

my husband saw her at lunchtime to take her paper in - & she will have company all this weekend as she does every weekend - but am so very conscious that all she sees now are us (me, hubby, brother & sis in law) occasionaly the neighbours & i know an old friend calls her weekly

her tv is clearly now her life

we have tried the dementia cafe '' full of old people''
tried encouraging her to come to our house for a change of scene, but she has always been a home bird ans besides, my house is always too cold for her, even with open fires & heating on full blast!

oh god, im rambling i think!!! just feel so tired today.

My main question i guess, i'm trying to see if i do enough for mum - i work f/t 30 miles from home & days are long, but i do try & pop round one eve & as mentioned - not an hour goes past when i don't speak with her

The guilt with this is madness & we are not even at the stage where she needs carers....etc etc

sorry for rambling - just have to get things out of my head!

sas
x

just to add - when i am there at weekends -i do her ironing / try to do cleaning on the qt / sort out bills & stuff / appts / tablets

 

[LadyA]

What else, exactly, do you think you could do in the circumstances? You can't make your mum better. Not even if you gave up your own home, job, family and life, and sacrificed it all to your mum's illness - it wouldn't stop it. No matter how much you do, you'll feel guilty.
Perhaps you are at the stage where you need carers? Or a home help, or day centre? Take some of the pressure off you?

 

[Sweetsheep]

Hi Saskia we feel the same and MIL lives in our house! We have the same issues. TV is her life and won't go anywhere we suggest! I work practically full time. But take a Thursday and Friday off to be home with her. Hub with her weekends. Hubby travels in week, but he tries to do his administration days on a Monday. We are trying to get a companion for her on a Tuesday and Wednesday but she is also resistant to it. However we feel it's more a safety issue and also not eating when we are not around.

To be honest with you. Even sitting with her or being in the house with her, she has complained to my SIL that she is lonely and we don't take her anywhere! Which I do....so what I am trying to say is that it doesn't matter whether it's 8 straight hours next to her on the couch day in or day out, or out shopping and having lunch, in her head she doesn't see anyone and or go anywhere! Yet when I am with her she doesn't say a word. She is getting worse with communication and so she just comments on things on the telly. Mainly "have you seen this before because I have and he did it"....sometimes I wonder if she is psychic lol!

She told my husband she hates living alone.....he reminded her that she lives in our house. Our room was upstairs, to which she said she was never told that!

Heyho I guess you just need to do what you can and it sounds like you are doing well so far.

But Maybe a companion to pop in? We have found someone private in our area.

Now to just convince MIL and I won't feel.so stressed on the 2 days she is on her own!.



Sent from my SM-G930F using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Moog]

Sweetsheep, in our part of Kent, the local social services, or doctor, NHS dementia nurse/network, can do a referral to Agincare. Free of charge, they offer 4hrs a week or 2x2hrs of a befriender/carer to sit with Mum and try activities. Even if they just let her moan for each session, she'll be looked after and attended to if there are any "accidents" down below... They'll even take her out for a walk or push in wheelchair, or drive her somewhere. Although that's 50p per mile for fuel.

Hope I don't get banned for 'product placement'.

All the best,

Moog x

Sent from my F5321 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Tin]

About a year ago I accepted that I can never do enough for my mum, she lives with me I do take her out and she meets all my friends that visit, but according to her she sees no one and goes nowhere. How can I please her when her own mind is so utterly confused. pre dementia, my mum was a bit of an attention seeker, I could never win back then!

 

[LadyA]

Sweetsheep - maybe you could convince her that you aren't getting the companion in for her sake. It's for you and your OH's peace of mind, because, honestly, you worry so much, that you are leaving her by herself when you are out, that it's making you feel just so awful, and you can't get a thing done! So really, it will make you feel so much better to know that, should anything happen (unspecified) or should she need anything - that she has someone there with her! It would be such a load off your minds!!

 

[Shedrech]

his Saskia
for goodness sake, woman, what more could you do ????
you are not Superwoman, none of us is - we do what we can (as a wise TPer says)
so whack that guilt monster for six and some

I agree with the others, get as much support in place as you can and accept that it isn't within our power to make our parent 'happy' (never really know what that means); we can be sure they are as safe and well looked after as is possible; we try to provide a decent quality of life; we find a way to get on with our own lives too, as I firmly believe my dad would expect that of me - and that has to be enough

best wishes

 

[lemonjuice]

I agree try not to beat yourself up about it. At some point the realisation will be confirmed that however much you do will it never be enough. It takes a shift in thinking and believe me that doesn't come easy.

 

[Penmon79]

Saskia, I can't add anything to what has already been said but I really want to thank you for your post because the answers you have received have done my heart and my conscience good! Until reading those replies I have felt a complete failure as a carer of a PWD, my M-in-L. She lives with us but won't join in with us most of the time, she sits and cries because she's lonely and 'never sees anybody'. She's clearly not happy and I've been blaming myself (crying now!).
So a big thank you for your part in helping me out here.
Do look for more support and ask Social Services for a Carer's Assessment for you & your husband.
All the very best.

 

[Boz Rihan]

Impossible to do enough

Mother wants to see her friends. I would have to dig up the majority. One loyal friend comes every Thursday. They used to walk dogs together. She comes with the dog on her way back from the Common around 3. Why does she come so late? Why does she come so often? Why does she bring that dog with her? Etc. Last week she refused to see her. Her friend understands completely and she now comes to support me in fact. Had the family for Christmas. She said the company was not to her liking. It's too quiet. I like it when it's quiet. Why don't you your friends visit any more? Your friends were too noisy. Etc. One cannot get it right. Even if one does what the PWD wants it is still wrong. No i don't want a cup of tea. 3 seconds later where's my tea. I have never told so many lies or sworn so much as i have in the last 4 months. Am getting in a private carer from next week in preparation for het move to a CH. She does not know she is at home. She does not know who we are. She does not eat well any more. You know how it all goes. She looks like my beloved mother but she is no longer. Perhaps for a few minutes every now and then. I am either swearing, sobbing, literally tearing my hair out, kicking furniture anything to get rid of the frustration and utter hopelessness of the situation. And am torn because of what i am going to do. Best for everyone i keep telling myself. We can only hang on in there for as long as we feel we can. This too will end.