Do I take mum back to visit her home?

[epnich]

Hi all
My mother is 100 and lived independently till 3 weeks ago when everything turned on its head. I moved her in with me ( I live 60 miles away) and it's become very evident that she cannot go back to being independent or we would be back very quickly to square one. After 3 weeks of care she thinks she's ok to go back home.and keeps asking me when can I take her. She forgets any conversations we have so my problem is do I take her home for a week with me staying with her so she can see her home is still there, or would I be making matters worse when I have to bring her back to mine. She would never have a carer and I'm happy to take care of her in my home. I can't stay away long as I have a daughter who needs my support with a medical condition she is facing.

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @epnich and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. I am sorry to read about your mum no longer being independent. I would suggest that you do not take your mum back to her old home, it is likely to cause more problems than it resolves, including her not wanting to return with you. You also need to take care of your daughter and yourself.
If you have not already done so, please contact your local social workers to arrange a needs assessment for your mum and a carers assessment for yourself. You have a lot going on and should seek help with your caring duties.
Please keep posting and asking for advice if we can help.

 

[epnich]

Hello @epnich and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. I am sorry to read about your mum no longer being independent. I would suggest that you do not take your mum back to her old home, it is likely to cause more problems than it resolves, including her not wanting to return with you. You also need to take care of your daughter and yourself.
If you have not already done so, please contact your local social workers to arrange a needs assessment for your mum and a carers assessment for yourself. You have a lot going on and should seek help with your caring duties.
Please keep posting and asking for advice if we can help.

Thank you

 

[Mumlikesflowers]

When I was caring for my Mum, the thing I found most difficult was my Dad's resentment as we had to make some decisions that changed his life and which he didn't feel in control of. I've always been a strong believer in older people making their own choices although I've seen people hide behind that eg a lot of people talk on here about social workers using that as an excuse for not taking any action for change. I'm inclined to agree that once decisive action is taken, you need to 'stick to your guns'. After all, you're not stepping away from responsibilty but taking on shed loads of it. You say she'd never have a carer, but this a journey and things may change. I had the same and now Mum is in a care home. You have to deal with what's presenting now and get to the next chapter when you do.

 

[nitram]

Agree with others, don't take her back home.
Use love lies.
Central heating broken, needs fixing, parts unavailable.
Roof leaking after recent rain, roofers in short supply.
Doctor wants her to stay a little longer to build up her strength.
....
....
....

 

[canary]

Hello @epnich
I suspect that your mother is wanting to escape the confusion of dementia.
Many people with dementia are totally unaware of their dementia symptoms, but realise that things keep on not working out the way they are expecting. Because they dont realise that the problem is them, they tend to blame other people and often think that if they move somewhere else they will leave all the confusion behind, not realising that they will simply take it all with them.

I agree - use love lies and dont take her home
xxx

 

[ScaredyCat]

If your mum won't remember the conversation just say you'll take her back in a few days. Mum is in a home and quite often says she wants to leave and live near me ( she's pack's her clothes every day). Because I know she won't remember next time I see her I say that I'll look at houses for sale near me and next time I see her we can look at them together on the computer. I ask her what type of house she wants etc. She gets really happy and enthusiastic about it all so it works well.
Hopefully you can fo something similar for your mum.