My sibling has prevented me seeing my mother for over 2 years since my father died. There is no sound reason for this other than putting her own emotions over the best interests of my mother. Unfortunately the pandemic has played in her favour for the most part. Last Oct I received an unexpected call from the local hospital to find my mother had been admitted some 3 weeks earlier. For a short time I was able to visit and see my mother unknown to my sibling. my first visit was very emotional but despite her dementia my mother recognise me and I was able to share photos of her two great grandchildren. Today I received another such phone call from the hospital but on this occasion I learnt my mother had been in for a few days and had contracted covid. The nurse who called subsequently called my sibling and clearly alerted her to phone call to me. When I called later to see how my mother was and if I could possible visit I was informed that my sibling had given strict introductions I was not to be given any information about my mother. this is not entirely unexpected because she is cruel and spiteful. This was my last lifeline to my mother and I’m heartbroken. I believe she has been appointed by the courts Guardian status. Is there anything I can do Other than go to the Courts? The background to this is much more complicated as these situations often are.
Do I need to go to court to see my mother?
- Thread starter Steph H
- Start date
It might be a good idea to contact the help line and talk through your options. Phone them on 0333 150 3456 or email on dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk
Sad to hear of a situation where the vulnerability of a relative is being exploited, this is all too common nowadays, social isolation due for whatever reason is abhorrent & almost certainly to the detriment of the person with mental health/disease.A situation where the local authorities or any other body that could possibly do so much more but choose not to due to “past wishes” how far back do they go? A similar scenario to my own where a sibling chose to alienate another sibling, in our case it was due to myself finding out about the amount of money going out of an account after challenging sibling then turned parent against me & my family, managing to get POA revoked, do you have POA along with your sibling Steph H? We managed to see dad 2 years later as a result of him going missing as sibling thought dad had came up to our house, they moved in with him & cut all contact which resulted in a lengthy court battle which is currently ongoing. Not sure if the court will do anything in relation to you having contact with your mum unless you have evidence of Financial Abuse, physical or mental abuse. Taking legal advice may prove costly & you may end up in considerable debt, are there any other relatives that could possibly mediate?
We have never been close. Even as a child she said I was favoured so my parents over compensated and she played on this. My sibling originally moved in the family home 8 years ago because she wanted her son to go to the local school and she needed to use my parents address for her application. She stayed a couple of years but her relationship with my parents became very strained particularly with my father and she moved out. By this point my parents had become dependent so I became their support and worked from their home on the days I didn’t need to travel to London for work. I have a home and a family of my own so it was tough but they are my parents and I’d do anything I could for them. For 3 years she had no contact never visited but her son continued to go to the local school. Then she reappeared. She needed the address again for the application for the next school. She was always there Said she wanted to help and support. My phone calls stopped being answered; I’d often called before I left home to see if my father needed anything. when I was there she never left me alone with Dad, although I didn’t see this at the time. Then she moved in saying it was what Dad wanted. Then I had a call from the Police telling me I wasnt to go to the address because I upset her. If I visited and she called the Police. Then the locks were changed so i couldn’t go in the house unless someone opened the door. My dad was disabled my Mum had dementia. The SIM was removed from my Dads mobile that I paid for. I was cut off and it took her less than 2 months.
One of the carers left shortly after, she said my dad looked broken and she couldn’t deal with my siblings tantrum’s. Sadly my father died 6 months later. I didnt know he was in hospital until a nurse from critical care called me to say my father wouldn’t make it through the weekend. I went straight to the hospital and he died an hour after I arrived. Sadly my Mum wasn’t there when he died because when I arrived my sister didnt like me being with my mum and arranged for her to be collected and taken home. She banned my family from the funeral and left their names off the obituary. These actions give you some idea of the type of person she is. This isn’t a level headed person you can reason with.
One of the carers left shortly after, she said my dad looked broken and she couldn’t deal with my siblings tantrum’s. Sadly my father died 6 months later. I didnt know he was in hospital until a nurse from critical care called me to say my father wouldn’t make it through the weekend. I went straight to the hospital and he died an hour after I arrived. Sadly my Mum wasn’t there when he died because when I arrived my sister didnt like me being with my mum and arranged for her to be collected and taken home. She banned my family from the funeral and left their names off the obituary. These actions give you some idea of the type of person she is. This isn’t a level headed person you can reason with.
thank you Martin but surely even Guardians are accountable and the well-being of my mother should be paramount and decision should be made that are in her interests. My Mums only contact is my sibling and her son. I have a large family. My Mum has never met my 6 month old granddaughter who she’d love and hasn’t seen my grandson, her great grandson, since he was a baby. Even my Dads best friend isn’t allowed to visit. seems like the courts is the only way.
The Office of the Public Guardian supervises the work of attorneys and there is a Scottish equivalent. The OPG will need to be persuaded by evidence. You can try writing to the Scottish OPG asking for an investigation but they will certainly want evidence of wrongdoing by the guardian concerned.
Greetings to you Steph, I just joined today to find a forum who is in the same shoes as me and now I see that Im not the only one whose family is so dysfunctional to allow myself to see my 81 year old mother. My brother started it first after my dads passing due to money then my sister turned on me a year later cuz he convinced her now after having won the court case where they havve declared her Mentall Incapacitated , they court did not make a decision for her to live back with me or such just that her assets r to be handles by the committee.
So life can be challenging but we have to handle it with a strong heart and mind and have faith that the Higher power is doing this for our own good. Its a new day everyday now they have taken her away out of the country as much as I hate it I have to accept it and Pray it will get better.
You're not alone Steph
Hi @KANCHAN and welcome to Dementia Talking Point our supportive and friendly community of people who have experience of many aspects of dementia.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. Although the person who started this thread has not been online for several months, I am sure that your story will resonate with other members who have experienced family strife.
Do keep reading as you'll find much of interest in the forums. If you have specific issues to raise or just wish to let off steam you might consider starting your own thread.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. Although the person who started this thread has not been online for several months, I am sure that your story will resonate with other members who have experienced family strife.
Do keep reading as you'll find much of interest in the forums. If you have specific issues to raise or just wish to let off steam you might consider starting your own thread.
Hi @KANCHAN, I hope you are coping. I struggled for many months with my situation and anxiety; back in feb starting taking medication which has helped me enormously. I feel much stronger and decided to go back again to Adult Social Services and OPG and this time had better success in getting answers and advice. Long story short I’ve found out that my sibling has no moral or legal right to stop me seeing my mum and social services (ss) are supporting me to see her. I've not see her yet. It’s taking a while to put in place as the ss people involved have had holiday. I’ve asked for someone to be there as I do not trust my sibling (she makes things up and I need to protect myself. I am very optimist this will be the week.
Anyone reading this in a similar situation, be persistent! I’ve lost count how many times I rang and got nowhere. The pandemic added to time it’s taken to get to this point and I got so low that I had to give myself a break for a while. There’s more to tell me but I’ll wrap up there today. My own family and friends have been absolutely brilliant and always there for me. The sad situation is that it should never have got this far or taken this long to find someone in a gov organisation willing to help.
Anyone reading this in a similar situation, be persistent! I’ve lost count how many times I rang and got nowhere. The pandemic added to time it’s taken to get to this point and I got so low that I had to give myself a break for a while. There’s more to tell me but I’ll wrap up there today. My own family and friends have been absolutely brilliant and always there for me. The sad situation is that it should never have got this far or taken this long to find someone in a gov organisation willing to help.
Hi,
I am new here and I am surprised to find out so many have the similar situation as I am experiencing. I just went to see my mum at my sister’s house and been rejected, my mum wants to see me, but my sister insist that nobody wants to see me, despite my mum said she want to see me. She is controlled and emotionally stressed I can see. As they are living in the first floor, I can hear her outside of the window. I’m the end, sister allowed me to have a three second visit from the window, since my mum said he want to see me for once. Maybe we both know would be the last time I will see her. Then my sister called the police to chase me out of the place. I was still traumatized by this. Does anyone have a good ending with this story?
I am new here and I am surprised to find out so many have the similar situation as I am experiencing. I just went to see my mum at my sister’s house and been rejected, my mum wants to see me, but my sister insist that nobody wants to see me, despite my mum said she want to see me. She is controlled and emotionally stressed I can see. As they are living in the first floor, I can hear her outside of the window. I’m the end, sister allowed me to have a three second visit from the window, since my mum said he want to see me for once. Maybe we both know would be the last time I will see her. Then my sister called the police to chase me out of the place. I was still traumatized by this. Does anyone have a good ending with this story?
Hello @Oceana and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. I am so sorry to read that you are being prevented from seeing your mum especially as she is so ill.
I would suggest that you speak to your local social services about this to see if they can speak to your sister and get her to understand that it’s in your mum’s best interests to see you.
I would suggest that you speak to your local social services about this to see if they can speak to your sister and get her to understand that it’s in your mum’s best interests to see you.
Did the police show up? on what grounds?
How can you see your mum is controlled and stressed in 3 seconds thru a first floor window?
Hello. This is the first exact same situation I am in. My sister has manipulated my poor mother into saying that she shouldn’t see me and reinforcing that over and over. I havent seen my mother for over 5 months. My sister has been manipulating everything and now has access to my mothers bank account and a bank card in her name. My mother would never have allowed that in years gone by and was always bailing her out due to my sister’s mismanaging her money! I have tried everything I can to see my mother and no luck. Not with care home, social workers, POA, nobody!! I am so heartbroken!
I have seen my mom twice in over six months my brother is preventing me from seeing her over a small rift. He has got together with my my two sisters and will not allow me to pick my mom up prior to this I was my moms main carer I’ve had a long and very lively relationship with my mom my whole life she is my world. She ended up living with my brother after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s she has some capacity but this can fluctuate. I dealt with all my mom’s health appointments and needs and was well known by her mental health team she was discharged by them just before this happened and they could not help me further with this situation. Myself and my own family have been threatened by my siblings. On both occasions that I managed to briefly see my mom I was threatened by my brother.
They have been telling my mom that I don’t want to look after her that I don’t want to allow her in my home this is because one of the occasions I was meant to pick her I asked if I could not come as something had come up that day they was all free and available but then received msgs to say they throwing my mom out then another msg to say don’t come as they don’t want me to see mom anymore.
They are manipulating my mom and making up bad things so was hostile towards me when I did manage to see her once I explained she opened up to me but said they won’t let me see you. I don’t want to drag my mom through social services but I’m I treated to know what my legal rights are as her daughter can I prevented from seeing her my children are distraught as am I. My mom is very frail and each day her Alzheimer’s is taking away her real self and we are missing out on valuable time with her.
They have been telling my mom that I don’t want to look after her that I don’t want to allow her in my home this is because one of the occasions I was meant to pick her I asked if I could not come as something had come up that day they was all free and available but then received msgs to say they throwing my mom out then another msg to say don’t come as they don’t want me to see mom anymore.
They are manipulating my mom and making up bad things so was hostile towards me when I did manage to see her once I explained she opened up to me but said they won’t let me see you. I don’t want to drag my mom through social services but I’m I treated to know what my legal rights are as her daughter can I prevented from seeing her my children are distraught as am I. My mom is very frail and each day her Alzheimer’s is taking away her real self and we are missing out on valuable time with her.
Hi, I feel for you, I really do. I have the same problem with my stepfather and sister. Mum was diagnosed in Nov 2020 and I have been with her on every part of her journey. My sister is only interested in money and claimed attendance allowance on behalf of mum but is not using it for any care needs, my stepfather also won't spend any money on care so I have been doing all care, personal & otherwise until 2 weeks ago when I argued with my stepfather about mums care and he threw me out of the house. I work as a carer who specialises in dementia so I know when an outside care package is needed.
When I went back to see mum, he became violent and assaulted me, so I had to call police. Now he won't let me contact her or see her. I reported it to social services who can't update me on an ongoing case.
From ALL of these posts, why are we just cut off with no information on how to see our loved ones? No one in authority seems to be able to help & we are all banging heads on brick walls, whilst losing precious moments with loved ones while we can.
The Internet is full of child visitation rights & legality but nothing for our situation. Something needs to change.
Jo
When I went back to see mum, he became violent and assaulted me, so I had to call police. Now he won't let me contact her or see her. I reported it to social services who can't update me on an ongoing case.
From ALL of these posts, why are we just cut off with no information on how to see our loved ones? No one in authority seems to be able to help & we are all banging heads on brick walls, whilst losing precious moments with loved ones while we can.
The Internet is full of child visitation rights & legality but nothing for our situation. Something needs to change.
Jo
Yes it’s very frustrating and it’s killing me emotionally. I had to sit with mom through her Alzheimer’s diagnosis alone none of them would bother to come along for support They have changed all the contact details at my moms GP to their own numbers where as I was her next of kin and would deal with all her things as she does not speak English and has been suffering with poor mental heath for some time I had just finished doing her claim with her for attendance allowance and was in process of helping her with her power of attorney which we all at the time agreed with mom for three of her children to be on but it never got completed before argument I’m not sure if they have in the mean time gone behind my back or tried to get POA the problem is I’m not strong enough to deal with them I’ve had threats saying that I don’t know what they are capable of I’ve blocked them on my phone but they make fake accounts and msg me I’m scared to leave the house most of the time and when I went last week with my children my brother threatened my sons with the same thing that they don’t know what he’s callable of
I am trying to find a solicitor who may be able to help me but having no job at present
Hi, I have found myself here and find myself in similar position to you all. I have just started being denied access to my elderly parent by a sibling that has moved in. I have contacted social services but I'm not sure what they can do as parent is healthy. Does anyone know if there is a way that you can see a parent on their own?
Hello @tryingtostaypositive and welcome to the forum. I am sorry to read that you are not able to see your elderly parents. I would suggest that you contact the Alzheimer's Society helpline for advice, they can be contacted at the link below.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
Dementia Support Line
If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
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