Difficult relationship between my dad who cares for my mum, and my sister.

[Butterfly69]

Hello, I hope that someone can advise.

My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers last year. She lives at home with my dad who she no longer recognises, and she is always asking to go home as she does not recognise where she lives as being "Home". I live over 300 miles away but my middle sister decided to move down to be there as a support. Her and my dad have always had a difficult relationship and often argue and fall out. When my sister first moved down she became accusatory towards my dad stating that he was not fit to look after my mum. She took it upon herself to contact my mums GP surgery to make herself named as first point of contact. I told her that she did not have the right to do this and my dad has now amended this. I have been supporting my dad with practical advice and buying things like larger clocks and calendars and white boards for messages etc. Long story short, my sister has not been consistent in her offers of support to my mum and she has continued to try and intervene in my dad's caring role. He has now told her that she is no longer allowed in the house to visit my mum. She has reported this to social services and they are arranging meeting. I have suggested that whilst my dad has the right to keep my sister from entering his house, my mum still has the right to see my sister. I have suggested that maybe my sister can arrange the dates that she will visit and she can take my mum out instead. Has anyone else had similar issues??

 

[Jessbow]

Many!
Appreciably you have vested interest in your Mum, but its your sister thats there,and day to day its hard.
Presumably she moved for a reason- Maybe dad isnt coping? My Dad didnt but to the rest of the worl, outwardly, they got by.
Practical things- bigger clocks and various other gadgets will make very little difference to behonest. Really, wouldnt waste your money - sorry.

Personally I'd be encourging my dad to let her help


How often do you see them?

 

[Gosling]

Hello @Butterfly69 and welcome to this friendly and supportive forum. There is a lot of shared experience of dementia to be found here, so I am glad you have found us.
I am so sorry to learn of your Mum's diagnosis last year, and the fact that you are over 300 miles away makes any caring and looking after extremely challenging. Coupled with your sister's difficult relationship with your Dad, I can understand totally how worried you are.
Presumably it's your Mum and Dad's house , so yes your Dad can have the say on who comes and goes, but it would seem a bit unfair to block your sister out totally from seeing your Mum.
As long as you are happy that your Dad is coping?? If Social Services are involved with a meeting soon, then hopefully they will soon see the situation and act upon if they witness a vulnerable person etc.
I'm sure others will be along shortly with their suggestions.
Do keep posting, you'll always find understanding here, and use it even if you just want to let off a bit of steam.

 

[Butterfly69]

Many!
Appreciably you have vested interest in your Mum, but its your sister thats there,and day to day its hard.
Presumably she moved for a reason- Maybe dad isnt coping? My Dad didnt but to the rest of the worl, outwardly, they got by.
Practical things- bigger clocks and various other gadgets will make very little difference to behonest. Really, wouldnt waste your money - sorry.

Personally I'd be encourging my dad to let her help


How often do you see them?

 

[Butterfly69]

Thank you for your reply. My sister moved down to be nearer to them as she had nothing holding her to her previous home. She was living in a squalid caravan illegally in a farmers field and in the company of drug addicts and alcoholics. This was a lifestyle that she has always chosen. She has no contact with her own children and out of myself and my younger sister, she was the only one without commitments. My father paid a great deal of money on a new camper van, which she wanted as she likes to "live off grid". My dad has also had to sort out the rent for the lot that she camps on as she does not hold down jobs for long. She does not provide any "care" for my mum but she has been very critical of the care that my dad has been giving. She has also had a great deal of health problems as the result of her lifestyle choices and has not been very consistent in her help and support. She has been found by my dad, snooping through his private belongings with my mum and has also passed comments about foods that he has in his room, things like his favourite cakes and sweets. It has now reached the point that my father no longer trusts her in the house and has now banned her from entering.

 

[Jessbow]

Thank you for your reply. My sister moved down to be nearer to them as she had nothing holding her to her previous home. She was living in a squalid caravan illegally in a farmers field and in the company of drug addicts and alcoholics. This was a lifestyle that she has always chosen. She has no contact with her own children and out of myself and my younger sister, she was the only one without commitments. My father paid a great deal of money on a new camper van, which she wanted as she likes to "live off grid". My dad has also had to sort out the rent for the lot that she camps on as she does not hold down jobs for long. She does not provide any "care" for my mum but she has been very critical of the care that my dad has been giving. She has also had a great deal of health problems as the result of her lifestyle choices and has not been very consistent in her help and support. She has been found by my dad, snooping through his private belongings with my mum and has also passed comments about foods that he has in his room, things like his favourite cakes and sweets. It has now reached the point that my father no longer trusts her in the house and has now banned her from entering.

That does add a bit more to the story- hanges perspectives a bit.

The meeting will determine they way forward- will you be there?

 

[Butterfly69]

That does add a bit more to the story- hanges perspectives a bit.

The meeting will determine they way forward- will you be there?

Unfortunately I am away on holiday on the day of the meeting. I am going to compile a list of questions and suggestions that I would make if I was there. I think that my dad and sister could do with some mediation but they are cut from the same cloth of stubbornness so if they did compromise, it would probably not hold for long (((

 

[canary]

Unfortunately I am away on holiday on the day of the meeting.

You might want to write a letter to Social Services in advance of this meeting explaining all your concerns about your dad and sister. If you can find out the name of your dads SW and can address the letter by name, so much the better, but make sure they are aware of everything before the meeting