Difficult family situation: how to manage?

[Annieislaurie]

Hi there, my dad has mixed dementia and cancer. He lived in an annex at my sister's house for years, but in the past 6 months moved to extra care housing. Because he contributed to my sister buying her home and lived with her, she took on a lot of the organising of benefits, care etc. With myself and my brother supporting where we could (we both live a bit further away). Now he has moved to extra care housing we have tried to do more, although he still lives 2 hours away from us, and my sister lives 20 mins away. She has control of his bank account and pays his bills and for some of his care (some is funded), she also holds a lot of his paperwork. She does not want to get a lasting power of attorney, even though I have asked multiple times. I am not sure why.

My relationship with my sister is very strained, as she has her own mental health problems.. She has repeatedly over the last few years blocked myself and my brother on text, whatsapp etc when she is not happy with us. I have had to set boundaries as I find interactine with her very stressful as she is either very rude or in need of lots of emotional support.

I do understand that it was hard for her with my dad living in her annex, and wanted to be supportive where possible. I was also hoping this would become easier now that my dad lives in extra care housing, but it has got worse again. When I tried to email to outline who was doing what for my dad, when we would visit and also create some shared files/docs so we can make sure important emergency info is all in one place, she has become very angry and now also blocked us on email.

It is a tricky situation as I am dealing with his oncology appts, and also now in touch with the dementia clinic as she found it hard to have time to take calls from them. We are also paying for taxis for my dad out of pocket when he needs to go to appts and his daycentre. But we are now unable to share info with my sister or be reimbursed for the money. Which is ok for now, but will add up financially. It may be that when she calms down she will unblock us again. But I am worried this is a pattern that will repeat. i feel like we need some sort of agreement in writing to address this and maybe someone neutral to negotiate it all? I looked at elder meditation but it is very expensive!

I realise this is a pretty complex situation, but I wondered if anyone had encountered something similar or if you knew of anywhere to get advice? thank you!

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Disclaimer: I am a very cynical and suspicious person!

Your sister should not be continuing to 'control his bank account' unless she has Power of Attorney. It's likely if the bank knew your father was now in extra care housing (has he lost capacity?) they would freeze the bank account because a person needs proper authority to run a bank account without the owner's knowledge and it appears that's effectively what she's doing.

Does your father have capacity to grant PoA? If he does, there's nothing to stop you and/or your brother applying for it. If he lacks capacity now you could apply for Deputyship instead.

Sadly, the usual reason that one sibling refuses to communicate about finances to other siblings is because they are misusing funds... where 'misusing' means helping themselves.

 

[Alisongs]

Hi there, my dad has mixed dementia and cancer. He lived in an annex at my sister's house for years, but in the past 6 months moved to extra care housing. Because he contributed to my sister buying her home and lived with her, she took on a lot of the organising of benefits, care etc. With myself and my brother supporting where we could (we both live a bit further away). Now he has moved to extra care housing we have tried to do more, although he still lives 2 hours away from us, and my sister lives 20 mins away. She has control of his bank account and pays his bills and for some of his care (some is funded), she also holds a lot of his paperwork. She does not want to get a lasting power of attorney, even though I have asked multiple times. I am not sure why.

My relationship with my sister is very strained, as she has her own mental health problems.. She has repeatedly over the last few years blocked myself and my brother on text, whatsapp etc when she is not happy with us. I have had to set boundaries as I find interactine with her very stressful as she is either very rude or in need of lots of emotional support.

I do understand that it was hard for her with my dad living in her annex, and wanted to be supportive where possible. I was also hoping this would become easier now that my dad lives in extra care housing, but it has got worse again. When I tried to email to outline who was doing what for my dad, when we would visit and also create some shared files/docs so we can make sure important emergency info is all in one place, she has become very angry and now also blocked us on email.

It is a tricky situation as I am dealing with his oncology appts, and also now in touch with the dementia clinic as she found it hard to have time to take calls from them. We are also paying for taxis for my dad out of pocket when he needs to go to appts and his daycentre. But we are now unable to share info with my sister or be reimbursed for the money. Which is ok for now, but will add up financially. It may be that when she calms down she will unblock us again. But I am worried this is a pattern that will repeat. i feel like we need some sort of agreement in writing to address this and maybe someone neutral to negotiate it all? I looked at elder meditation but it is very expensive!

I realise this is a pretty complex situation, but I wondered if anyone had encountered something similar or if you knew of anywhere to get advice? thank you!

CAB, Age UK, this site, Local Law Centre, County Social Services.. ....As you are next of kin just as much as your sister, and very much involved, perhaps you should be organising LPAs with Dad? Or even go Court of Protection Guardianship route. You could still have your sister as an alternate attorney after you on the LPA, if you were unable to act. Might keep her sweet

Make, register or end a lasting power of attorney

How to make a lasting power of attorney (LPA): starting an application online, choosing an attorney, certifying a copy, changing an LPA.

www.gov.uk

Court of Protection

Scammers may use these numbers to call you claiming to be from HMCTS and demanding payment. We’ll not call you from these numbers or request payment. If you think you’ve been a victim of a scam, report it to Action Fraud . We make decisions on financial or welfare matters for people who can’t...

www.gov.uk

 

[steph122]

Hi there, my dad has mixed dementia and cancer. He lived in an annex at my sister's house for years, but in the past 6 months moved to extra care housing. Because he contributed to my sister buying her home and lived with her, she took on a lot of the organising of benefits, care etc. With myself and my brother supporting where we could (we both live a bit further away). Now he has moved to extra care housing we have tried to do more, although he still lives 2 hours away from us, and my sister lives 20 mins away. She has control of his bank account and pays his bills and for some of his care (some is funded), she also holds a lot of his paperwork. She does not want to get a lasting power of attorney, even though I have asked multiple times. I am not sure why.

My relationship with my sister is very strained, as she has her own mental health problems.. She has repeatedly over the last few years blocked myself and my brother on text, whatsapp etc when she is not happy with us. I have had to set boundaries as I find interactine with her very stressful as she is either very rude or in need of lots of emotional support.

I do understand that it was hard for her with my dad living in her annex, and wanted to be supportive where possible. I was also hoping this would become easier now that my dad lives in extra care housing, but it has got worse again. When I tried to email to outline who was doing what for my dad, when we would visit and also create some shared files/docs so we can make sure important emergency info is all in one place, she has become very angry and now also blocked us on email.

It is a tricky situation as I am dealing with his oncology appts, and also now in touch with the dementia clinic as she found it hard to have time to take calls from them. We are also paying for taxis for my dad out of pocket when he needs to go to appts and his daycentre. But we are now unable to share info with my sister or be reimbursed for the money. Which is ok for now, but will add up financially. It may be that when she calms down she will unblock us again. But I am worried this is a pattern that will repeat. i feel like we need some sort of agreement in writing to address this and maybe someone neutral to negotiate it all? I looked at elder meditation but it is very expensive!

I realise this is a pretty complex situation, but I wondered if anyone had encountered something similar or if you knew of anywhere to get advice? thank you!

Assuming your dad has capacity, you must get power of attorney which does not need to complete by a solicitor, however if he no longer has capacity, if anyone wants to make a decision on your dad's behalf a deputyship would need to be applied for. These are very expensive. and can be contested. A bank or building society should not be letting someone else without proper authority run a bank account without the owner's knowledge, this is fraud.