Difficult decisions

[callieireland]

Hello everyone, my mum has Alzheimers, and my Dad is dying from liver cancer at the moment, he only has maybe a week to live. What a miserable Christmas. I'm sure many of you are facing the same. My mum can't live independently any more, and once my Dad has gone, she needs to come and live with me and my family, but I know she doesn't want to leave her lovely home. How do you go about convincing someone to move when they really don't want to? She is worried that I will take over her life, but I just want her to be happy. The only other option is for her to go into a nursing home near her home, but there will be very few visitors in that case as I live in Ireland, and won't be able to come over very often. I think she'd be much happier with us, but I feel it's going to be hard to persuade her.
Please do you have any tips on how to talk to her?
thanks!
Caroline

 

[BluTinks]

My advice, don’t do this…

 

[Starting on a journey]

Only do this if you are prepared to give up your life as you know it. Sorry to be blunt but your life will totally change… could she manage at home with carers?

 

[Kevinl]

By Ireland I assume Republic of rather than Northern Ireland, whole lot of difference in the rules,and, should God forbid it doesn't work out for whatever reason, her living with you then it could get "complicated" for want of a better word. Needs some specialist advice.
K

 

[try again]

If you move her in with you it will end up destroying your family life and you may find yourself unable to cope if the dementia progresses before anything else takes her.

We all worry about not visiting as often as we should but the PWDs life will revolve around the home and the carers. This may be less so for spouses who are used to living with each other.

How often do you see her now?

The other thing to consider is how good your local care options are to where she is currently. Some areas have next to nothing.

 

[Firecatcher]

First of all I’m sorry you’re having such an awful and distressing time. As others have said I’d also strongly advise against moving your Mum into your home. Read the posts of others who are on their knees trying to cope with their PWD then think long and hard about what you will be taking on. Sadly dementia is a one way street and today is the best the person will be. There’s also very little support for carers and although this awful disease is life limiting it can take the person and you hostage for a very long time.

 

[canary]

Hello @callieireland

Im sorry to hear about your dad.
You said you just want your mum to be happy, but honestly, she is unlikely to be happy whatever you do. She probably thinks that she is perfectly capable of looking after herself in her own home.

Why not find some respite in a home near where she is at the moment while you find out what is available in Ireland and how the system works - I seem to remember it is different from UK. Then have a good think. I thought about bringing my mum to come and live with me, so I got her to come and stay for a while to find out how it would work. I lasted no more than a weekend before I knew that I could never make it work. She moved into a care home

 

[Rosettastone57]

Your mum will never be happy wherever she lives, it's the nature of the illness. Please don't move her in with you, just don't, please take on board the advice here. You will lose all your life to her, everything, and I mean everything will revolve around her needs.

 

[Kevinl]

I moved my mum in here years ago, and her and my wife got on OK, never took a penny of mum's money, didn't need to. I was working and all the bills got paid, daughter came home for a visit and literally screamed in my face " can't you see it's your mum looking after my mum" i.e. my mum looking after my wife.
Truth is she was right, mum got out the potatoes, wife peeled them as told, mum told my wife what to turn on and off to cook it right, it worked in a way but I wouldn't recommend it, but right now "I'd trade all of my tomorrows for a single yesterday" as the song lyrics say.
K