did my husband have vascular dementia as long as 4 years ago.

[pevensey]

My husband of 53 years has recently been diagnosed with Vascular Dementia 3 weeks ago. I left him to live with my daughter 5 months ago because of so much verbal abuse and accusations of things I haven't done. that has been going on for about 4-5 years, so could he have had this Dementia for 4 years. He has always been very moody and unpredictable for the 55 years we have been together but much worse the last 4 years. I know I must go back to him after this diagnosis, I wouldn't leave him to cope with this on his own, although he seems fine, but he still gets a little aggressive when I go round to see him, calling the shots and not listening to me or what I would like to do, like selling the house. ours is very dilapidated where he hasn't decorated and big gardens. Im thinking of few years on when maybe its up to me to look after it. Its very high maintnence.. so could he have had this Vascular Dementia for 4 years and nobody know. I could make allowences if that was the case. my head is all over the place, I know I must go back, but the house has so many bad memories that wont go away, I do still have feelings for him, I cant switch 55 years off, but he doesn't seem to consider what I want its all about him and he seems to have disregarded all the years of verbal abuse he gave me, and expect everything to just go back to normal again. I'm so confused, not sure if he has actually accepted the diagnosis as he hasn't mentioned it.

 

[LynneMcV]

Hi there,

I would say that this is very likely the case. By the time someone is actually diagnosed with any type of dementia it has usually been developing for a few years. Often, it is with hindsight that we can then identify the tell-tale signs which didn't flag up as dementia related at the time - but which suddenly fall into place once the bigger picture is known.

 

[Just me]

I agree with Lynn
My Mum's behaviours changed a few years before the diagnosis and it led to some tension between us as I was upset, impatient, offended at how she was and I reacted to it which made the situation worst.
Once I accepted that dementia may be the problem and she had the diagnosis she is more like my old Mum. I stopped challenging her behaviour and she became less defensive and a little more relaxed though it is a horrible illness to deal with especially if you are fully aware of what's happening.

 

[marionq]

Think it through

It almost certainly was brewing before diagnosis but that doesnt alter the reality of what you are now dealing with. It will get worse or at best be more of the same. Can you handle that? By the time of diagnosis often love has gone and duty and a sense of responsibility remain. Is that enough to get you through? Could you care from a safe distance? Think it all through carefully before you commit what is left of your future.

 

[Grannie G]

Oh yes!

My husband had a change in personality at least six years before his diagnosis. They were very unhappy years when I honestly thought we'd come to the end of our marriage.

We relocated to live near our son and by the sea, three years into his personality change and three years before diagnosis. The relocation identified his problems were far more than a marriage breakdown. He became disorientated, more confused than ever and blamed me for his troubles.

I honestly don't know how I stayed with him. The diagnosis didn't make life any easier , it just gave me a reason for his behaviour and assurance it wasn't a fault in me.

I'm so pleased I stayed with him. We had a dreadful struggle but eventually he lost his aggression and appreciated me for who I was.

 

[pevensey]

My Husband

Thankyou Lynne and Just Me, I'm new to this so it was very lovely to get a response so quickly.It will make things much easier to deal with after reading your comments. I was trying to convince myself the last 5 years wasn't normal behaviour but never even gave dementia a thought. I eventually got him to agree to see the Dr for his abusive behaviour after I had left him and went to my daughter last October, which after brain scan and tests dementia was diagnosed, they said it is only mild at the moment but if he has had for about 4 years I'm not sure. His memory is not too bad but his thinking skills and working things through are not so good, doesn't like lots if noise Thankyou for putting my mind a little bit at ease.

 

[marionq]

Oh yes!

My husband had a change in personality at least six years before his diagnosis. They were very unhappy years when I honestly thought we'd come to the end of our marriage.

We relocated to live near our son and by the sea, three years into his personality change and three years before diagnosis. The relocation identified his problems were far more than a marriage breakdown. He became disorientated, more confused than ever and blamed me for his troubles.

I honestly don't know how I stayed with him. The diagnosis didn't make life any easier , it just gave me a reason for his behaviour and assurance it wasn't a fault in me.

I'm so pleased I stayed with him. We had a dreadful struggle but eventually he lost his aggression and appreciated me for who I was.

You describe those pre dementia diagnosis years perfectly. It is so sad that marriages get destroyed because we can't fathom what is going on. So hard to put it right and I am glad you did.

 

[pevensey]

Thankyou Grannie G, you have helped me see things differently, I do feel bad not being there for him and know I must get my head sorted and try and put the dilapidated house and his aggression into perceptive and tell myself its the illness and try and make our life as good as I can again. The only other major hurdle is he has a major dislike for our eldest daughter, they have always had there ups n downs as she is the one who has always stood up to him, but its been really bad recently and he will not even mention her name only in disgust,he says its her fault I left him, she was controlling me, but at the time of all the abuse she was just looking out for me. I will start by staying over a couple of nights a week maybe and test the water.

 

[Katrine]

You may think I'm very hard-hearted to raise the issue of finances. Sorry. Looking to the future you need a safe and comfortable place to live, and money to live on. If you return to the dilapidated house where your husband lives this will continue to need repair. Is your husband likely to allow this, or agree to you spending the money?

I would seriously consider divorce, while he can be deemed to have capacity to instruct a solicitor to manage his side of the legal proceedings. You need to buy your own property and to have your own protected funds to live on. The house would, I imagine, need to be sold, and your husband would move to a more suitable property.

There are several TP members who provide care support for ex-partners. You don't have to stop caring, you just need to make sure you are protected, in every possible way. I suspect your husband will continue to be hostile to you if you go back to live with him. I can't see how that situation would be in either of your best interests.

I apologise if my straight talking causes offence. Best wishes, Katrine.

 

[Quilty]

Hello and welcome. So many families and relationships breakdown due to dementia. This is because personality change and agression are often the first symptoms. People think you get more and more forgetfull. Its much more complicated than that.
You have a big decision to make so take advice and take your time is my advice.

 

[Selinacroft]

The changes you've been noticing over the last few years sound very typical of dementia symptoms. It is very possible if he as Vascular Dementia that it has been developing slowly possibly with TIAs going unoticed. I've only recently had a diagnosis for dad at the end of last year and yet I questioned whether he had dementia fo rages before I could get him a referral. You tend to make excuses for people- he's tired.getting old, bad tempered, losing his patience etc etc and you don't realise until you read into it they are all part of the dementia and it is not just the losing of the memory and putting things in daft places.
I've read of many people who seem to not hear or digest the diagnosis.
Make sure if/when you return to the family home that you get a needs assessment for your husband and carers assessment for yourself to see if you are able to get any help or support. He probably won't like it so perhaps make it conditional before your return.

 

[rhubarbtree]

Excellent advice above. All I would say is do not "just return" to the status quo in October. Something must be done to make your house comfortable or you should agree a downsize. If you downsize make sure there is an option for a bedroom each. It sounds awful to say but at the moment, being apart, you have some power and you need to use it to benefit both of you.

My OH has similar organisational and logic problems. Putting up a shelf took nearly all day yesterday, with me instructing. He would have done it in a jiffy years ago. I doubt your OH will ever be able to tackle a house refurbishment but it sounds as though he will not admit this yet.

Best of luck with your decision making.

 

[vannesser]

my husband

I have read what you said abought him may be having it for past 4 year .my husband was diagnosed last week .and I to think he might have had it for a few years he as memory losse but looking back this as got worse he as been no wonting to go out for a few years and getting angrey one minnit and acting as nothing as happened the next minnit
we when a way with a friend last October and the all week he was on to her like ajeckel and hide .for no reason at all then just acting normal .my friend as had nothing to do with him at all since then as she said his mudes are woreying her and she can not handel it .he as been like it off and on over past 6 month so coulde this be part of it ps we have known my friend for 40 year

 

[pevensey]

We have had a lovely day out walking today and then went for lunch, I thought it would be a good time to have a talk while we were walking as it was a very long walk, but thought I would wait till after lunch as didn't want to have a an argument before lunch, would have spoilt it. but tried to talk on walk back but couldn't get round to it, when I bring the Dementia word up he switches off, he is in denial I think. but I know I must sit down and have the conversation soon and explain how I don't want to be left with a house I can not manage when he is too ill yo do anything. I think I have to be cruel to be kind. Has anyone else had to have that conversation and try to explain how the future is going to be, even if they wont accept it. Part of me thinks I really should go back, and Im thinking of trying it for a month, to see how he is and how he responds to me be being there all time. Thankyou everybody for your very helpful feedback on my problem, which compared to some peoples stories on here, mine are not so bad.

 

[pevensey]

Hi Vanneser, its a shame your friend won't have anything to do with your husband, especially if you have tried to explain the situation to her and the reason why he was like that to her. I have had the same thing with my husand, he upset my neighbour and her little girl when they came into our house for cuppa one day, She is a very good friend and was to both me and my husband. he was rude to her, then started ignoring her if he was in garden and she was in hers. I tried to explain after his diagnosis that the demntia was prob the reason, but she still wont have anything to do with him. I just talk about him when I see her and tell her about his dementia and how poorly he feels sometimes but she still doesn't really want to know.Hopefully your friend will realize soon that its not him its the awful illness.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello pevensey

I think it might help you to read through this.

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

Nothing is written in stone and it`s a very tall order to follow it to the letter at all times. It is however an excellent guide and many people on TP have found it helpful.

I remember coming to the conclusion my husband was unable to make a decision and stay with it and that was when I had to take over. I`m sorry if it upsets anyone with dementia who is reading this. I don`t believe for a minute it applies to everyone but it applied to my husband and had to be faced.

I only discussed with him things he could cope with and his dementia was not one of them. He knew he had Alzheimer`s but thought it was a memory problem which would improve in time. Who was I to break his dream.

 

[pevensey]

Thankyou Grannie G, those words of advice on that long list are very helpful, and surprising too, as a lot of them are obvious when you read them but wouldn't dream of doing when you are in a difficult situation when you feel your banging your head against a brick wall, I will certainly rethink the way I deal with different situations to make things easier not only for me but also OH. I will print it off and keep it where I can refer to it easily, if and when I go back to the my husband, I have decided to go and stay with him for a month and see what his response is when I living with him 24/7. I do think I should be with him to give him support and just be with him, now is not the time to turn my back on him, and the list of do's and don't will help me with that, Thankyou

 

[vannesser]

thank you

Hi Vanneser, its a shame your friend won't have anything to do with your husband, especially if you have tried to explain the situation to her and the reason why he was like that to her. I have had the same thing with my husand, he upset my neighbour and her little girl when they came into our house for cuppa one day, She is a very good friend and was to both me and my husband. he was rude to her, then started ignoring her if he was in garden and she was in hers. I tried to explain after his diagnosis that the demntia was prob the reason, but she still wont have anything to do with him. I just talk about him when I see her and tell her about his dementia and how poorly he feels sometimes but she still doesn't really want to know.Hopefully your friend will realize soon that its not him its the awful illness.

thank you pevensey I don't think she thinks that way .she just says she wont talk to him again.my husband still said he did nothing wrong at all so at the moment I am just leaving it she as another friend how is understanding with me and said she will come round one day hopefully the same will go for your neighbour.

 

[pevensey]

I hope so Vannesser, llike your oh he won't admit or doesn't think he has done anything wrong, but as you say we live in hope. take care love and be strong.

 

[pevensey]

I haven't been on here for a while as things have been quite calm, and happy since I returned to my oh after hid diagnosis. He was pescribed Nemdatine ? I think that's the name and the difference in his behaviour was amazing, he was happy and chatty and no aggression at all. But suddenly the medication didn't agree with him and they halved the dose about 3 weeks ago. This week he has been just sitting around not interested interested anything refusing to talk to me for 4 days completely ignoring me. I tackled him about this yesterday asking him why he was like this and not talking to me. He absoloutly lost the plot, started screaming and shouting at me how it was my fault because I'm always on my phone or I Pad which is Notts true, I know he doesn't like them so never go on them when he's with me, accused me of all sorts of stuff which I don't know where it all came from I told him this must all be down told reducing his medication and we must see the Dr. Today he's is as if nothing had happened, we went out for a walk had a lovely day. My question is was this all part of the VD is this how it progresses suddenly having a terrible day and then it's like the calm after the storm. It's the first time since diagnosis it's happened. Because he's has always been a very angry person for years been fore his diagnosis although not as bad as the 2 yrs been fore fore he was diagnozed I often wonderd if he actually has VD but he had all the tests and scan and I am begining to see a difference in his memory and skills now although nothing too severe. Sorry for the long post but I'm not sure about anything. Perhaps I will make app too see his Dr on my own, will he discuss things with me without oh being there do you know....