Desperation. Repeated phone calls and mum so unhappy

[Kerryblue]

Mum has been home since July with a carer. Every single day without fail she begs me to tell carer to leave. She can't do much for herself. She has to be reminded to eat, wash etc. Moods are extreme. Weepy then aggressive. Still thinks she shops, drives cooks etc. She hasn't for two years or maybe more.

I know she is fortunate to be able to have this option of care but it is now not working.
Carer does the basics then keeps out of mum's sight. Everyday the same questions. "Who is this person in my house? Why are they here? Who sent them? There is a stranger in my house. I'm perfectly alright".

I get on average 10 calls a day with that loop. I have written notes. I take mum out when I can. I visit but of course ten minutes later she is on the phone to me again saying she hasn't seen me,crying etc. We have never had a good relationship. Brother is her favourite.

I am unwell myself. Struggling to work full time and also really depressed. I feel so sad for my mum but also guilty.

Brother listened to her and took her out of Home where she had reassurance but now I feel she is left a lot to herself which is because carer keeps out of her way or mum gets argumentative all over again.

Mum always been stubborn and right her entire life. She knows my mobile number off by heart. OF course NOT my brother's. Carer does her best. She has a firm tone.

Brother comes and stays once a week so carer gets time off. It's all a mess. I feel mum was happier and less confused in nursing home but no one listens to me and I'm too tired of trying to point this out.

Ok rant over and thank you. Sorry. Wish being at home was a magical solution. One most people long for but mum is throwing it all away. I don't think this is working out at all. My mum is so so confused. I know she is worse each day but this existence feels cruel. But that is the disease, wherever she is I suppose. Does anyone have any advice please? Why do I feel this is so NOT right?

 

[Tin]

I wondered how your situation was going, now we know. Shame on your brother for creating this chaos, he should be the one dealing with all this not you. Do you have the strength to back away and not answer the phone? write your brother's number big and bold and place next to phone.

For what its worth, one of two things will happen - the live in carer may be unhappy with her situation and probably leave, or your brother will come to realise what a mess he has made of things and hopefully rethink the care home scenario, one thing for sure, he has got to be made to realise this present situation is not working and maybe letting him take the load for a while will do this.

 

[Amy in the US]

Oh, Kerry, I'm so sorry. I remember your posts and your head-in-the-sand brother. I am so sorry to hear all this and that your mum is so distressed and unhappy.

I have been there with the phone calls and the anxiety/distress so I know what you're talking about. Those phone calls just about did me in (I got to the point where when the phone rang, I'd cry). What worked for my mother was the care home, I'm sorry to say.

My only thought is a wishful one: to forward the phone calls to your brother! Okay, not realistic, but what about keeping a call log/record of the calls? Caller ID doesn't lie, if your brother thinks you're exaggerating, or you may be able to get records of the calls she makes. Ideally you could record the distressed phone calls so he can hear how she really is, but that may not be practical, or might strain your relationship further, and understandably might feel uncomfortable (I wouldn't have wanted anyone to hear those phone calls from my mother).

I'm so sorry.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi Kerryblue
I remember your previous posts and hoped that just maybe having your mum back in her home had turned out to be a surprise success
poor you and poor mum, neither of you are happy or comfortable with the situation
does your mum actually key in your mobile number or is it in the directory or on a special button - if the 2 latter, change it for your brother's number so that her calls go to him - definitely put up notes of your brother's number near the phone and anywhere your mum sits to call you
you know that she has someone with her who will call you if anything is really wrong, so I agree with Tin, don't answer (all) her calls - the carer or your brother may then have to step up to support her more
step back and don't visit every day - you need to look after yourself
I appreciate the situation isn't what you'd hoped for your mother - you, though, did not bring this about and voiced your concerns and opposition, so you have nothing to feel guilty about; poke the guilt monster in the eye
maybe contact the home she was in, if you were happy with it, and put your mum's name on the waiting list - then, if/when the situation becomes untenable, you know you have kept an option open
best wishes

 

[canary]

Gosh, Im surprised that the live-in carer has survived as long as she has - she must be tough! Im so sorry for your mum though. Id make sure she knows your brothers number by writing it down everywhere too. Its hard not to answer to phone - I used to worry so much if I missed a call even though I knew what they would say. Would it be possible to re-direct the calls?

 

[HillyBilly]

I too was wondering how things were going with you and your Mum.
As others have said, I expect something will give before long to force your lovely brother to reassess the situation. In the meantime at least you know your Mum is safe, fed etc.
Maybe you could give your phone to your brother for a day or two?
Love and hugs x

 

[Bod]

Maybe if the carer was more sociable, a better acceptance of her would happen.
Having seen the "Live in Carer" system working, carer acceptance by the sufferer, varies, some combinations work, others don't, for no reason.
But if there comes a chance for her to return into a care home, take it!

Bod