Desperate and feel I cannot cope any more.

[Gooby]

My husband is 91 and is full of accusations - prowls the house during the night

hiding things and then I am later accused of taking them. Daft things like his
jacket which he stuffs with money and various papers. He has even hidden files
= some of which belong to me = under wood in the garden. I have recently found he has cancelled a direct debit for a life insurance with AVIVA which is devastating.
Getting him to give me Power of Attorney is a pipe dream..

I am recovering from a recent cancer operation and am presently on cancer drugs
and other medication and feel very much unable to cope. He burst into my bedroom
this morning accusing me of creating a mess behind the TV in our sitting room.

The GP is doing his best - took blood yesterday and is organizing a visit from
health professionals. I am presently in my bedroom = don't want to see him and
have lost all affection for him.

The posts I have been reading seem mild compared with this.... If anyone is free please
get in touch. Thank you

Gooby

 

[fizzie]

I am so sorry, you are so unwell and coping with a very difficult situation as well, you must be exhausted.

On a practical note I would contact AVIVA and explain the situation, many people are more understanding than you would think. I would also keep all papers in a locked room or cupboard - we had a cupboard and put a bolt on high up - a cheap option if it is possible.

You do need some help. Can i suggest that you phone Social services and ask for a carers assessment - explain the cancer op and tell them it is urgent. That should get you some free sitting hours and give you a break. A day care centre might be a good option? It sounds like hubby could do with something to occupy him and you could do with a long rest!!

I assume you get Attendance Allowance at the higher rate - if not get onto Age UK 0800 169 2081 and ask them for some help with the forms - they will send someone round to give you some help and will probs have lots of local info too.

If you can get to a local memory cafe or a carers cafe then please do - lots of people who really understand what caring is all about without all the usual explanations and lots of local info - it was my lifeline

Lastly and probably the very last thing you want at the moment!!! This is really useful - it changes the way you talk to the person and it really works - I was very sceptical but it does work and what it did for me was it reduced the stress i was feeling try it and see

http://www.ocagingservicescollabora...te-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.pdf

lots of support on here, we are all here to give a hand xxx
Take care, thinking of you x

 

[Aisling]

My husband is 91 and is full of accusations - prowls the house during the night

hiding things and then I am later accused of taking them. Daft things like his
jacket which he stuffs with money and various papers. He has even hidden files
= some of which belong to me = under wood in the garden. I have recently found he has cancelled a direct debit for a life insurance with AVIVA which is devastating.
Getting him to give me Power of Attorney is a pipe dream..

I am recovering from a recent cancer operation and am presently on cancer drugs
and other medication and feel very much unable to cope. He burst into my bedroom
this morning accusing me of creating a mess behind the TV in our sitting room.

The GP is doing his best - took blood yesterday and is organizing a visit from
health professionals. I am presently in my bedroom = don't want to see him and
have lost all affection for him.

The posts I have been reading seem mild compared with this.... If anyone is free please
get in touch. Thank you

Gooby

Hi Gooby,

What you are going through is horrendous. You must be so tired, weak and frustrated. Have you family who can help?

Could you hide important papers somewhere? Really important papers can be held in a bank here eg for small fee. Have you a cupboard that could be locked? You know best yourself as locking something could make him angrier.

Can you talk to social services as you are a victim in this situation. You need time to recover, would your doctor be able to help you and get some respite for you?

Can you lock your bedroom door. Be careful as this may make matters worse.

You need help now from the professionals but I don't know how your health system works.

Feel free to PM me.

Loads of hugs,

Aisling

 

[stanleypj]

My husband is 91 and is full of accusations - prowls the house during the night

hiding things and then I am later accused of taking them. Daft things like his
jacket which he stuffs with money and various papers. He has even hidden files
= some of which belong to me = under wood in the garden. I have recently found he has cancelled a direct debit for a life insurance with AVIVA which is devastating.
Getting him to give me Power of Attorney is a pipe dream..

I am recovering from a recent cancer operation and am presently on cancer drugs
and other medication and feel very much unable to cope. He burst into my bedroom
this morning accusing me of creating a mess behind the TV in our sitting room.

The GP is doing his best - took blood yesterday and is organizing a visit from
health professionals. I am presently in my bedroom = don't want to see him and
have lost all affection for him.

The posts I have been reading seem mild compared with this.... If anyone is free please
get in touch. Thank you

Gooby

Welcome to TP Grooby. I'm very sorry to hear how difficult life is for you.

I think we have to be a little bit careful about assessing how bad things are for individual carers from what they tell us on TP. Different people obviously respond to the difficulties in different ways and the people they care for will be at different stages on the dementia journey.

But your situation is a very hard one which is why you've come to TP. You will get a lot of support here and I'm sure members in similar situations will be along with advice.

It's good that the GP is involving other professionals and is having blood tests done to see if a treatable infection may be making things worse at present. Does your husband really have the capability to cancel a direct debit? It may be that this needs to be challenged.

Do you now about Admiral Nurses? Many people find the very helpful:

http://www.dementiauk.org/information-support/admiral-nursing-direct/

 

[Aisling]

Welcome to TP Grooby. I'm very sorry to hear how difficult life is for you.

I think we have to be a little bit careful about assessing how bad things are for individual carers from what they tell us on TP. Different people obviously respond to the difficulties in different ways and the people they care for will be at different stages on the dementia journey.

But your situation is a very hard one which is why you've come to TP. You will get a lot of support here and I'm sure members in similar situations will be along with advice.

It's good that the GP is involving other professionals and is having blood tests done to see if a treatable infection may be making things worse at present. Does your husband really have the capability to cancel a direct debit? It may be that this needs to be challenged.

Do you now about Admiral Nurses? Many people find the very helpful:

http://www.dementiauk.org/information-support/admiral-nursing-direct/

Sorry Grooby and Stanley,

No offence intended. I should engage brain before I reply. Sometimes I am so desperate for help myself and check in to see replies. You are correct, everyone is so different. The best thing to do is perhaps advise going to the doctor.

Aisling

 

[stanleypj]

No need for apologies at all Aisling. I hadn't read your reply before writing mine but I'm sure Grooby will find it very helpful.

 

[heaven* help*us]

Prayers going up for you both ♡

 

[Risa]

Gooby has your husband been seen by the Memory Clinic? If so, call them and explain the situation. I got more help from them then Mum's GP during a recent crisis - got an emergency appointment, a prescription for stronger meds and an offer to put Mum in urgent respite.

Thinking of you {{{hugs}}}

 

[Scarlett123]

What a dreadful time you're having, and it's no wonder you feel so desperate. Hopefully, your GP will be able to help fast-track you for some support. If you're recovering from cancer, you certainly are a priority.

 

[The Chewtor]

hey Gooby, hang in there. unlike the wonderful carers on here I am not able to offer any practical or sensible ideas on how to deal with your situation. i just want to know that you are as ok as ok goes. please post again to say how you are coping with the day.
all the great people on TP are not only carers but also CARE. you are far from being alone
let us know what is going on. i just wish I could do more.

thanks

wayne

 

[Gooby]

Gooby back

Thank you to everyone who took the trouble to write back to me.

I telephoned the surgery at lunch time and the doctor came straight out here.
What a wonderful doctor we have. Anyhow, he says he will fast-track the
CT scan and hopefully the specialist nurses will come here next week. He
asked my husband about the accusations - those of the day - but as usual he
denied them. I had made a mess behind the TV in the sitting room which I had
miraculously cleared up before the doc. got here. He is incapable of telling the
truth.

Told me this afternoon that the doctor had given head injections. I am back in my bedroom - keeping out of the way as doc. has advised. He says to walk away instead of having a confrontation.

I do feel lucky to have such a caring doctor on board.

Please don-t stop talking to me. The posts I have received today are a huge help.

 

[The Chewtor]

thanks for letting us know the latest Gooby. stay with us and we will stay with you. it might be necessary to jump from thread to thread at times just to keep chattering, but there is always something going on 24/7. keep a look out for the chat room being open as that will be more instant. i always forget until it is too late.

wayne

 

[Aisling]

Thank you to everyone who took the trouble to write back to me.

I telephoned the surgery at lunch time and the doctor came straight out here.
What a wonderful doctor we have. Anyhow, he says he will fast-track the
CT scan and hopefully the specialist nurses will come here next week. He
asked my husband about the accusations - those of the day - but as usual he
denied them. I had made a mess behind the TV in the sitting room which I had
miraculously cleared up before the doc. got here. He is incapable of telling the
truth.

Told me this afternoon that the doctor had given head injections. I am back in my bedroom - keeping out of the way as doc. has advised. He says to walk away instead of having a confrontation.

I do feel lucky to have such a caring doctor on board.

Please don-t stop talking to me. The posts I have received today are a huge help.

T.G you have a caring,understanding doctor. Keep in touch anytime. We will get back to you. I check in a few times per day. It helps my sanity!!

Loads of love,

Aisling

 

[Gooby]

Emergency Response Unit.

T.G you have a caring,understanding doctor. Keep in touch anytime. We will get back to you. I check in a few times per day. It helps my sanity!!

Loads of love,

Aisling

Thank you Aisling. I fed him then came straight back to bed. Another lovely
sunny day completely wasted.

I am hoping to get an uninterrupted sleep ...but wonder what the next thing will be.
Doctor has telephoned me with an emergency helpline - The Emergency Response Team since the surgery will close for the weekend. I have the number with me and
mobile phone. Thank you for being there and your kind replies. I will look at that
website you sent me earlier.

 

[Gooby]

Thankyou for your replies.....please keep them coming.

thanks for letting us know the latest Gooby. stay with us and we will stay with you. it might be necessary to jump from thread to thread at times just to keep chattering, but there is always something going on 24/7. keep a look out for the chat room being open as that will be more instant. i always forget until it is too late.

wayne

Wayne - Thank you for being there and listening. I now have an emergency response
number given to me by my doctor - he telephoned late this afternoon to say he had
organized a priority meeting for early next week with a team who comes out to assess
the situation. He has advised me to get away somewhere if I can....or just walk away
and say nothing. We are quite isolated here - the village about a mile away and
no bus service but I do have a car. Ive decided to take myself off somewhere tomorrow - have lunch out or tea or something.....

Please stay in touch. I do have a small TV in my bedroom and can watch the
news or whatever which helps. Difficult to concentrate on reading anything.

Have you been affected by dementia?

 

[Annypurple]

Thanks for these comments and the link

I am so sorry, you are so unwell and coping with a very difficult situation as well, you must be exhausted.

On a practical note I would contact AVIVA and explain the situation, many people are more understanding than you would think. I would also keep all papers in a locked room or cupboard - we had a cupboard and put a bolt on high up - a cheap option if it is possible.

You do need some help. Can i suggest that you phone Social services and ask for a carers assessment - explain the cancer op and tell them it is urgent. That should get you some free sitting hours and give you a break. A day care centre might be a good option? It sounds like hubby could do with something to occupy him and you could do with a long rest!!

I assume you get Attendance Allowance at the higher rate - if not get onto Age UK 0800 169 2081 and ask them for some help with the forms - they will send someone round to give you some help and will probs have lots of local info too.

If you can get to a local memory cafe or a carers cafe then please do - lots of people who really understand what caring is all about without all the usual explanations and lots of local info - it was my lifeline

Lastly and probably the very last thing you want at the moment!!! This is really useful - it changes the way you talk to the person and it really works - I was very sceptical but it does work and what it did for me was it reduced the stress i was feeling try it and see

http://www.ocagingservicescollabora...te-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.pdf

lots of support on here, we are all here to give a hand xxx
Take care, thinking of you x

This is really useful advice, I've been feeling resentful and frustrated today but reading the link reminds me it's an illness and not deliberate. It's so hard when you're tired, you spend so much time trying to get things right, or better and there's such little reward compared with the relationship you used to have.

 

[starryuk]

Good morning Gooby.

How are things this morning? I hope you managed to get some sleep.

 

[Grannie G]

I am back in my bedroom - keeping out of the way as doc. has advised. He says to walk away instead of having a confrontation.

I spent days in our bedroom keeping out of the way Gooby. It was the only way I could keep my husband at home.

I had a television, radio and phone in the room and whenever it seemed I irritated my husband just by breathing, off I went.

Whenever he was offensive towards me, I told him I`d be in the bedroom if he needed me.

If he was aggressive, I locked myself in.

I used to call them my wasted days.

We still ate together and shared the bedroom . It was really strange but how it was.

I couldn`t go out because he wasn`t in any fit place to be left alone.

It was a sad and lonely existence and I remember pouring my feelings out on TP . It truly was my best means of support so I understand when you ask us not to stop talking to you.

All I can say to give you hope is when he came out of that stage he reverted back to the lovely man he once was.

 

[Aisling]

Hi

Thank you to everyone who took the trouble to write back to me.

I telephoned the surgery at lunch time and the doctor came straight out here.
What a wonderful doctor we have. Anyhow, he says he will fast-track the
CT scan and hopefully the specialist nurses will come here next week. He
asked my husband about the accusations - those of the day - but as usual he
denied them. I had made a mess behind the TV in the sitting room which I had
miraculously cleared up before the doc. got here. He is incapable of telling the
truth.

Told me this afternoon that the doctor had given head injections. I am back in my bedroom - keeping out of the way as doc. has advised. He says to walk away instead of having a confrontation.

I do feel lucky to have such a caring doctor on board.

Please don-t stop talking to me. The posts I have received today are a huge help.

Hi Gooby,

How are you today?

Aisling

 

[CollegeGirl]

I've just read your thread, Gooby - welcome to TP from me too. Thinking of you today and hoping that it's not as bad as yesterday. I'm really glad you have the number for the emergency response team, and it does seem as though your doctor is very supportive, which is so good to hear. Don't hesitate to use the number if you need to.

Big hugs xx