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Dementia’s journey

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
931
0
Devon
i don’t know if this is of any interest but what a night i’ve had with dreaming.

I’ve dreamt constantly, even when i i’ve woken up and gone back to sleep, that Bridget is with me as normal. We talk and she appears dementia free. But i ask her how can i know you’re ok and loving, and beautiful and still have dementia. In my dream she’s my Bridget who’s intelligent, vibrant, caring and loving. Why do you need to go back to the care home? I hold her tight and she can never explain and others around us can only shake their heads.

Of course i wake up properly eventually and feel a mixture of sadness and being miserable and, to be honest, i fear for the next night. It’s bad enough getting through the woken day without the night upsetting me as well.
 
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Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
931
0
Devon
So, another milestone on the dementia journey

Tomorrow is my birthday, i’m 73. When everything was ok, when it was our birthday, the other one would get up, make tea and bring it up to bed with the cards and few presents and we’d open them together and then cuddle up. I remember it and can never have this again.

No more that special card on the mantle piece saying how much you’re loved and let’s have have a special day together. Although others will wish me well, send their love, nothing can fill that gap of Bridget’s love for me on my birthday.

So tonight i’m feeling miserable and tomorrow i’ll feel even worse. I go to visit on Tuesday and she’ll look at me and i’ll remember once it was all so different on this day in December.. Doesn’t do any good does it to think this way but it’s so powerful i can’t help it.

PS . Oh, and by the way, i’ve said blow it and i’ve treated myself to a fairly expensive phone as a present to myself in the vague attempt to cheer myself up. I hope Bridget would approve and i’ve convinced myself it’s practical and needed to run my life effectively.

Peter
 
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Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
931
0
Devon
Thanks everyone. I wasn’t courting replies ( yet
every reply from anyone gives me a boost) but thanks a lot. I’ve got to mid day and no real misery yet. I see it as a sense of achievement

Off to see Bridget soon with flowers, chocolates, bananas and some mince pies for the wonderful staff.
My daughter phoned and said you’ve got to 73 with no real physical problems so that’s a plus. I suppose she’s got a point.
peterxx
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
931
0
Devon
Today is my day to talk to my counsellor. Got everything ready and I thought I’ll just ring the home to find out how Bridget is ( she’s developed a UTI) before I log on to Zoom. Mistake!!!
The staff went and got her and asked “it’s Peter, would you like to speak to Peter” and she said in one of her rare short sentences “I don’t know Peter”. I know she doesn’t know me as her husband but to hear it said was upsetting and my counsellor had to talk me through it.
Every day it’s something isn’t it! No wonder we get so down with it all.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
931
0
Devon
Went to home today and Bridget came to the door and I handed the flowers and fruit through to the staff. “Come in “ Bridget says and I said “ I’m sorry I can’t , perhaps tomorrow , I’ll be back tomorrow “ And then out of the blue she says “ you’d better be” .

That’s more like it, my Bridget with a bit of sparkle in her voice, that’s what I’ve loved her for, her energy and cheekiness. I said “ i love you so much” but she struggled to understand that ! She mouthed kisses at me and altogether a good visit.

No wonder when our love ones act semi normally our brains fool us into thinking that “she could be like this at home, back with me” That was my immediate thought and I’m brooding on this now in the quiet of my living room. Silly or what

Not long now folks when we can actually go inside and touch each other. Won’t that be wonderful and strange. Apart from the vaccine my home is investigating quick turnaround testing of 30 mins to come on line soon.

Bless you all
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
931
0
Devon
You know by now that i write on the Forum as a journal of how i feel. more or less each day.

Today messed with my mind because that’s the job of dealing with our love ones dementia. Bridget responds to me during my visit in a way that’s approaching a little normal and i immediately think i’ve got her back, she’s mine again and i could take her home and we could live our lives out together. So very strong are the longing and yearning that it takes me over. More than that, it occupies my whole day.

Please remind me why it wouldn’t work because i need it drummed into me with the help of a large stick. I know how she is now is the result of the staff diligently looking after but, nevertheless, the strong bond of 30 years marriage makes it extremely difficult to not have those feelings of wanting to have her back.

☹️ Peter
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,557
0
You know by now that i write on the Forum as a journal of how i feel. more or less each day.

Today messed with my mind because that’s the job of dealing with our love ones dementia. Bridget responds to me during my visit in a way that’s approaching a little normal and i immediately think i’ve got her back, she’s mine again and i could take her home and we could live our lives out together. So very strong are the longing and yearning that it takes me over. More than that, it occupies my whole day.

Please remind me why it wouldn’t work because i need it drummed into me with the help of a large stick. I know how she is now is the result of the staff diligently looking after but, nevertheless, the strong bond of 30 years marriage makes it extremely difficult to not have those feelings of wanting to have her back.

☹️ Peter
Peter, I do understand. Right up until the last days I believed Keith would suddenly get better again. Love can’t be destroyed although dementia has a good go at doing that!
Your daily journal is such an important part of the forum for me and many others.
I remember reading your struggles when Bridget was at home. It got desperate. I know this struggle is so hard. With love, geraldine
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
931
0
Devon
Geraldine. So good of you to write back so quickly and to be reassured that my ramblings are welcome.

Im sitting here in an armchair dumped on me by my daughter to be stored until they want it back! Actually it’s so comfortable that they may not get it back. Anyway, I’m sitting here musing over stuff and wondering what the next months will bring with testing and the vaccine.
I’ve always maintained that I’ve been selfish throughout this dementia journey but my counsellor has finally convinced me that I wasn’t and never was (well perhaps sometimes as humans do) so for me that’s a major step forward.
It’s a grey miserable looking day and if it wasn’t for meeting up with friends soon I’d go back to bed. But that’s deadly cos I’d feel worse. I feel sometimes I do stuff just to get through the day and I hope and pray that 2021 will see my feelings improve.
❤️ Peter
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
931
0
Devon
I had a birthday last week and instead of presents I asked for money to Dementia UK through Crowdfunding and so far have £170. I’m doing the same for Christmas. I need nothing, they need as much as they can get.

Although it’s not the day I usually go to visit I have the urge to go. Problem is that Sunday’s are very busy because of staff shortages but I’d like to see her through the window at least.Any connection is welcomed.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
931
0
Devon
So I’m here at the care home sitting in the car after seeing Bridget for a few minutes through the window. Don’t know why but it can suddenly creep up on me and this morning I feel especially vulnerable and lonely. The separation of her here and me at home on my own is so hard to do sometimes. It’s so unfair and cruel and a vicious condition this dementia and what it’s done to our relationship

They say she’s settled and eating well and what more could I hope for but for the world I’d wish her back and I know it can’t be.

To be honest I’m frightened for next year. Deterioration, care home fees and a host of other concerns that I have to handle emotionally on my own.

I write now just to calm myself down because I need to drive in a minute and I can’t if I’m crying.
 

Stacey sue

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
92
0
I am going in a while to see my husband through the window,I get nervous and upset before I go,and then whilst there .I am experiencing exactly the same as you,
I am just wishing the time away until I can visit and hold my husband. What a cruel year this has been for all, x