Dealing with guilt

[bezzuswezzus]

Hello all,
My grandmother is 90 and has been in decline over the last 2 years or so, but has really gotten bad in the last year. She was living alone and was diagnosed with dementia. About 6 months later, she broke both hips and recovered in a memory care assisted living facility. This week my dad said she started having seizures while having lunch and is no longer able to feed herself cause her hands don't function anymore. He said they've put her on morphine for any pain she may be in, and they don't expect her to last long from this point. I have so much guilt because I haven't gotten the courage to visit her since she was admitted to the assisted living facility last year, and I'm so afraid to see how she's deteriorated since the last time I saw her. I feel so terrible. My parents have been visiting her and they said the care team love her so much, and will be there when she passes. I am afraid that if I don't go see her now I'll regret it, but then I'm afraid of the trauma associated with seeing her like this. I am so torn and sad and feel like a bad grandchild.

 

[DeeCee7]

Hello @bezzuswezzus I am sorry to hear that your grandmother is very poorly. This is a tricky dilemma for you, as you want to remember her as she was, but guilty about not visiting her. Only you can make this decision. All I can say that life has taught me, on a personal level, is that I have only regretted what I didn’t do. Ask your parents how they are finding her when they visit. If she is on morphine she will probably be sleeping peacefully and you could pop in with your parents and stay for just a short while. Just remember your grandmother loves you, and speaking as a grandmother myself, I wouldn’t want my granddaughter to be upset for me. Just do what’s best for you.

 

[McSuffolk]

Dear @bezzuswezzus
When my nannie declined to a similar state, my Mum visited regularly while I went when a) I felt I could face it and b) the guilt became unbearable to live with. I can only say that rather than traumatic it felt sad and make me regret that as a civilised society we allow people to linger on well past what constitutes being alive. Try to be kind to yourself whether you go or don’t go. 💐

 

[DollyM1]

As my father seriously deteriorated I told both my adult children and grandchildren that I would rather they remember their grandad as he was, not what he became so not to visit. He wasn’t aware of them not being with him. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t go x

 

[SAP]

Neither of my children have been to see my mum in her current home and I would not really want them too. My youngest told me outright that they wanted to remember her as she was and they could not bear to see me upset either. I gave them both the choice and they both said no and I totally respect that. Please don’t let guilt make your decision for you. Do what is best for you because sadly your grandmother probably won’t know.

 

[bezzuswezzus]

Thank you all for the kind words. My sweet grandmother passed away yesterday. My parents said they went to see her and knew she didn't have much time and not long after that she passed. At least she's not suffering anymore and can finally be at peace.

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @bezzuswezzus I am sorry to read of your grandmother's passing but she is now at peace. Sending you and your family heartfelt condolences and wishing you strength for the days ahead.

 

[JHA]

Sorry for your loss. Remember her as she was before this horrible illness took her from you. Take care and if you want to talk there are lots of us on here to listen.

 

[DeeCee7]

Thank you for posting @bezzuswezzus . Your grandmother is at peace now and you can hold her in your heart and in your head with the memories of happier times. Condolences to you and your family.