Hi,
This is a bit of a long shot but I wondered if anyone had advice or some hints on how to deal with guilt trips? My father has dementia (85) and my mother is sole carer (75). I live 200 miles away. I am an only child and my parents have always used guilt and attempted to get me to move back home not really accepting me moving away in the first place. I am now 30. The pressure has now been raised that dad is ill. I find myself stuck in a situation where every communication with them involves them either 1) them disowning me 2) saying that I am not doing enough as their 'only daughter'. The other day my father threatened to die if I didn't hop on a train immediately. It has even reached the level where my mother has told me my father had a heart attack which turned out to be a minor heart complaint.
I have tried to remain strong with this and attempted to get to the root causes but it is tricky. For example, getting mum to go through with me all the problems and issues so we can work together to find solutions.I have also tried to get them socialising more with the family, for example, a big family xmas meet up is hopefully happening - but they refuse to compromise on arrangements then complain if everyone else does not work around them. From what I can see though, this is not health or dementia related, but mum is anxious and using dad's ill health to get her own preferences met. Whilst I understand dad is unwell we are lucky he is not so bad that he cant still do things like this - it is more mum is emotionally exhusted and depressed and no amount of my reassurance seems to work. I am also concerned that pandering to mum's anxiety (life long issue she has had) simply reinforces that it is ok rather than helping her adapt more positively. I cannot always travel the 4 hour journey there and back because of work commitments, but, they simply do not accept this and take it as a personal against them and me just 'being difficult'. Dad has also started saying he does not remember saying very nasty things, although it is only ever the nasty things he does not remember saying!
On one side, yes, my parents are in a tricky situations. I dont think any of us expected his health to be the way that it is.. and they do not get on well at the best of times. On the other, they have money to hire any help if needed, and many friends locally. Yet, they want me to do the donkey work, and although they are out a lot with friends, they are apparently very lonely and this is my fault for not visiting enough. My mother has a brother and a sister but not too close and seems reluctant to visit them or reach out to them, instead complaining they do not drop in or help with dad.
I am trying hard to not teach them making me feel guilty will work as I feel this is a very dangerous road to go down for the future. However, this does usually result in an argument, or me having to remove myself from the situation to protect myself and then there is not contact for a while. Most of the time it feels like they simply want to moan to me whilst not overcoming some of the problems that crop up. Genuinely, it is bad enough losing my father (he does have a long standing heart condition and dementia which means he will not likely be with us too long) but this on top of it is making me into an emotional wreck and very difficult to keep a good relationship with either of them.
So, any advice for good ways around guilt trips or to diffuse them?
This is a bit of a long shot but I wondered if anyone had advice or some hints on how to deal with guilt trips? My father has dementia (85) and my mother is sole carer (75). I live 200 miles away. I am an only child and my parents have always used guilt and attempted to get me to move back home not really accepting me moving away in the first place. I am now 30. The pressure has now been raised that dad is ill. I find myself stuck in a situation where every communication with them involves them either 1) them disowning me 2) saying that I am not doing enough as their 'only daughter'. The other day my father threatened to die if I didn't hop on a train immediately. It has even reached the level where my mother has told me my father had a heart attack which turned out to be a minor heart complaint.
I have tried to remain strong with this and attempted to get to the root causes but it is tricky. For example, getting mum to go through with me all the problems and issues so we can work together to find solutions.I have also tried to get them socialising more with the family, for example, a big family xmas meet up is hopefully happening - but they refuse to compromise on arrangements then complain if everyone else does not work around them. From what I can see though, this is not health or dementia related, but mum is anxious and using dad's ill health to get her own preferences met. Whilst I understand dad is unwell we are lucky he is not so bad that he cant still do things like this - it is more mum is emotionally exhusted and depressed and no amount of my reassurance seems to work. I am also concerned that pandering to mum's anxiety (life long issue she has had) simply reinforces that it is ok rather than helping her adapt more positively. I cannot always travel the 4 hour journey there and back because of work commitments, but, they simply do not accept this and take it as a personal against them and me just 'being difficult'. Dad has also started saying he does not remember saying very nasty things, although it is only ever the nasty things he does not remember saying!
On one side, yes, my parents are in a tricky situations. I dont think any of us expected his health to be the way that it is.. and they do not get on well at the best of times. On the other, they have money to hire any help if needed, and many friends locally. Yet, they want me to do the donkey work, and although they are out a lot with friends, they are apparently very lonely and this is my fault for not visiting enough. My mother has a brother and a sister but not too close and seems reluctant to visit them or reach out to them, instead complaining they do not drop in or help with dad.
I am trying hard to not teach them making me feel guilty will work as I feel this is a very dangerous road to go down for the future. However, this does usually result in an argument, or me having to remove myself from the situation to protect myself and then there is not contact for a while. Most of the time it feels like they simply want to moan to me whilst not overcoming some of the problems that crop up. Genuinely, it is bad enough losing my father (he does have a long standing heart condition and dementia which means he will not likely be with us too long) but this on top of it is making me into an emotional wreck and very difficult to keep a good relationship with either of them.
So, any advice for good ways around guilt trips or to diffuse them?