Dealing with guilt trips?

[Zelda]

Hi,

This is a bit of a long shot but I wondered if anyone had advice or some hints on how to deal with guilt trips? My father has dementia (85) and my mother is sole carer (75). I live 200 miles away. I am an only child and my parents have always used guilt and attempted to get me to move back home not really accepting me moving away in the first place. I am now 30. The pressure has now been raised that dad is ill. I find myself stuck in a situation where every communication with them involves them either 1) them disowning me 2) saying that I am not doing enough as their 'only daughter'. The other day my father threatened to die if I didn't hop on a train immediately. It has even reached the level where my mother has told me my father had a heart attack which turned out to be a minor heart complaint.

I have tried to remain strong with this and attempted to get to the root causes but it is tricky. For example, getting mum to go through with me all the problems and issues so we can work together to find solutions.I have also tried to get them socialising more with the family, for example, a big family xmas meet up is hopefully happening - but they refuse to compromise on arrangements then complain if everyone else does not work around them. From what I can see though, this is not health or dementia related, but mum is anxious and using dad's ill health to get her own preferences met. Whilst I understand dad is unwell we are lucky he is not so bad that he cant still do things like this - it is more mum is emotionally exhusted and depressed and no amount of my reassurance seems to work. I am also concerned that pandering to mum's anxiety (life long issue she has had) simply reinforces that it is ok rather than helping her adapt more positively. I cannot always travel the 4 hour journey there and back because of work commitments, but, they simply do not accept this and take it as a personal against them and me just 'being difficult'. Dad has also started saying he does not remember saying very nasty things, although it is only ever the nasty things he does not remember saying!

On one side, yes, my parents are in a tricky situations. I dont think any of us expected his health to be the way that it is.. and they do not get on well at the best of times. On the other, they have money to hire any help if needed, and many friends locally. Yet, they want me to do the donkey work, and although they are out a lot with friends, they are apparently very lonely and this is my fault for not visiting enough. My mother has a brother and a sister but not too close and seems reluctant to visit them or reach out to them, instead complaining they do not drop in or help with dad.

I am trying hard to not teach them making me feel guilty will work as I feel this is a very dangerous road to go down for the future. However, this does usually result in an argument, or me having to remove myself from the situation to protect myself and then there is not contact for a while. Most of the time it feels like they simply want to moan to me whilst not overcoming some of the problems that crop up. Genuinely, it is bad enough losing my father (he does have a long standing heart condition and dementia which means he will not likely be with us too long) but this on top of it is making me into an emotional wreck and very difficult to keep a good relationship with either of them.

So, any advice for good ways around guilt trips or to diffuse them?

 

[PeggySmith]

Hi Zelda,

It's a bit different for me as it's my MIL and we sorted a lot of issues early on in our relationship.

However, you're caught between a rock and a hard place. I remember, about a year ago, MIL's neighbour, a widower about my age, said, "no matter what you do for her, it's never going to be enough". So true and it feels like your life is being sucked away.

All I can suggest is that you set the rules. This is when I can/will visit you. This is what I can help you with. Then, just refuse to listen when the moaning starts. Acknowledge it and move on. If moving on means hanging up the phone, just do it.

The loneliness thing seems to go with dementia, somehow. MIL would tell everyone that she was desperately lonely and saw no one despite only being alone at night from 9pm to 7am.

I know it's so much harder when it's your own parents and am sure someone will be along in a minute to offer better advice than I can. You're not alone

 

[angecmc]

Hi,

This is a bit of a long shot but I wondered if anyone had advice or some hints on how to deal with guilt trips? My father has dementia (85) and my mother is sole carer (75). I live 200 miles away. I am an only child and my parents have always used guilt and attempted to get me to move back home not really accepting me moving away in the first place. I am now 30. The pressure has now been raised that dad is ill. I find myself stuck in a situation where every communication with them involves them either 1) them disowning me 2) saying that I am not doing enough as their 'only daughter'. The other day my father threatened to die if I didn't hop on a train immediately. It has even reached the level where my mother has told me my father had a heart attack which turned out to be a minor heart complaint.

I have tried to remain strong with this and attempted to get to the root causes but it is tricky. For example, getting mum to go through with me all the problems and issues so we can work together to find solutions.I have also tried to get them socialising more with the family, for example, a big family xmas meet up is hopefully happening - but they refuse to compromise on arrangements then complain if everyone else does not work around them. From what I can see though, this is not health or dementia related, but mum is anxious and using dad's ill health to get her own preferences met. Whilst I understand dad is unwell we are lucky he is not so bad that he cant still do things like this - it is more mum is emotionally exhusted and depressed and no amount of my reassurance seems to work. I am also concerned that pandering to mum's anxiety (life long issue she has had) simply reinforces that it is ok rather than helping her adapt more positively. I cannot always travel the 4 hour journey there and back because of work commitments, but, they simply do not accept this and take it as a personal against them and me just 'being difficult'. Dad has also started saying he does not remember saying very nasty things, although it is only ever the nasty things he does not remember saying!

On one side, yes, my parents are in a tricky situations. I dont think any of us expected his health to be the way that it is.. and they do not get on well at the best of times. On the other, they have money to hire any help if needed, and many friends locally. Yet, they want me to do the donkey work, and although they are out a lot with friends, they are apparently very lonely and this is my fault for not visiting enough. My mother has a brother and a sister but not too close and seems reluctant to visit them or reach out to them, instead complaining they do not drop in or help with dad.

I am trying hard to not teach them making me feel guilty will work as I feel this is a very dangerous road to go down for the future. However, this does usually result in an argument, or me having to remove myself from the situation to protect myself and then there is not contact for a while. Most of the time it feels like they simply want to moan to me whilst not overcoming some of the problems that crop up. Genuinely, it is bad enough losing my father (he does have a long standing heart condition and dementia which means he will not likely be with us too long) but this on top of it is making me into an emotional wreck and very difficult to keep a good relationship with either of them.

So, any advice for good ways around guilt trips or to diffuse them?

Hi Zelda, I just want to say to you that you must not fall into this emotional trap, I am sort of there with my parents in that when my husband and I first got together, I said I could not move too far away from my parents as my Dad was always quite ill and i needed to support my Mum, well as things turned out itwas Mum that went on to develope vas. dementia with lewy bodies and since then my Dad has really leaned on me more and more which in turn has affected my health and nearly caused problems for my own family. Mum is now in permanent care, I had to give my Dad an ultimatum for this to happen. Since he has agreed this, he has insisted that I should go with him almost daily to the home to visit Mum including every weekend, I know he isnt, but it feels like he is punishing me for making him agree to Mum going into care. All I get is emotional blackmail from him, it has made me see him in a different light now. I often say to my husband, I love my Dad but I dont always like him very much these days. I bend over backwards for him and it never seems to be enough. You must continue living your life for you. Especially as it is so hard to start or get new jobs these days. I have insisted to both my children that they must move a good distance away from us so that they cannot be forced by anyone emotionally to care for myself or their Dad in our old age, that was not what they were born for. I would hope that I would never expect this of them. You must tell your parents that you will help them as much as you can but from the distance, You can make phone calls for them to seek help, but they must accept this help as this is all you are able to do and you will continue to visit as and when you are able. I doubt your parents will like this, but as someone else has already said sometimes whatever we do it is not enough. Suppose you move back, this will not make your parents accept the expert help they will need, they will expect you to do everything and believe me it is not easy and it is not your duty. Good luck with everything, by the way there are a lot of long distance carers on this site, so you should never feel guilty. xx

Ange

 

[Noorza]

Whatever you do will not be enough, it's been said before but I don't mind reiterating.

My mum's just out of hospital I visited almost every day, did the washing all the housekeeping kind of things that need to be done to keep someone comfortable. ONE DAY after discharge she is telling me I'm disinherited, how my visits were too short amongst a plethora of other accusations. It's thankless.


I've been wonderful for a few days as did some basic plumbing, gave lifts, took her here there and everywhere. It won't last. I don't have any tips I'm afraid but one thing I have learned is that I can't change other people's behaviour but I am in control of how I react to it.

I learned that the slow painful way but it is something others have said they learned that too.
One thing I would say is don't dare move back in your life will be a total misery in my opinion.

 

[meme]

I think you need to do something., and this is for you......what exactly, is up to you...what ever you can manage will be enough.....and your guilt will be lessened and you will be better placed to deflect any attempt to load more on you.....

 

[Jaycee23]

Wow, reading your post and many others on TP are exactly in the same position as you. Guilt is something WE DO to ourselves as a form of punishment. You are angry with your parents and it is very understandable and you also know that giving in to the emotional blackmail is NOT going to solve anything and will prolong the behaviours of your parents unloading the stresses onto you. As previously said in another reply you can do what you can do and stand firm and say that is what you can do. If you cannot make every weekend because of your family or whatever reason then you cannot do it. You can advise your parents of where they can go for help and that you can support her in getting outside help. We downloaded a list of places, organisations set up to help carers who are finding it stressful. Your mum has a choice, to accept or get on with it herself. I think it is disgraceful of any parent that uses emotional blackmail on their children to get their own way. I hope you do not give in to their demands and forced to help with a resentful heart rather than a generous one.

 

[Isabella41]

Gosh Zelda, Your story is so familiar to me and many others. If there were world records for laying on guilt trips then my mother has a trophy cabinet full of them. For many years particularly after my daddy died her conversations would start with "if you were any good you would (insert her latest demand). I did persuade her to move closer to me into sheltered accommodation as there was just no way I could move even if I wanted to. Of course the brought a whole new set of issues. Its just never easy. Like you I am an only child and I have no other practical family support. Mum does have siblings but they are only good at putting daft ideas in her head and leaving me to pick up the pieces.

I have learnt that its best to not even get into conversations around why I will or won't do whatever she is demanding. I no longer try to justify my actions or make excuses. When she tells me Mrs so and so's daughter calls every day (for that read I'm useless as I don't) I just say gosh how lucky Mrs so and so is. When she starts on the if you were any good routine I just look out the window or start talking to the dog. I've been doing this for nearly a year now (not staring out the window and talking to the dog!) and slowly the blackmail is decreasing so it does work.

If you were to give up your life and move back home I can only imagine things would get even worse as you would either be living with them or in much closer proximity to them. You are only 30 years old. You did not sign up to be your parent's carers. Caring is choice not a forced burden. I fear that if you gave in you would be putting yourself on a collision path with even more heartache and blackmail.

Isabella

 

[Kevinl]

Zelda you don't have anything to feel guilty about.
Grouchiness, expecting the world to revolve around you and threatening to die or disinherit are all classic signs of Age Related Selfishness Experience (**** for short). Lot's of people get it and you've described the symptoms of a pair of ****'s to a tee. Manipulation and the use of guilt are 2 of the classic weapons in their arsenal of tricks don't fall for it when they drag you into the spiral of guilt you'll never get out as you say "it's a dangerous road to go down".
Sorry I can't offer any solution other than DON'T FEEL GUILTY they have no right to expect any more from you than you are able to give, you have a life too.
K

 

[Zelda]

Thank you so much for your comments and advice. It is really helpful to get an outside perspective on this, and also realise that it is perhaps quite a common situation for those with parent (s) with dementia.

I am going to be there for my parents but in terms of signposting and helping them get support. I can literally think of not one reason in our particular situation why it would help them more for me to move back home - as far as I can see this is simply a preference, rather than a need, and quite possibly they just want to believe that if this happened the whole situation would just magically disappear.

I think if I can decide what I am and am not happy to do consistently, I may be able to win them round if only slightly. I have done a couple of test runs and it seems mum can react well to reasoning i.e. If I do X as her 'daughter', then I can expect her to do Y as my 'mother'. Sometimes as well it seems the desire for me to move back is simply wishing to believe there is one blanket answer to all the problems dad's health has raised and someone to 'blame'. Dad is much more tricky, with him seems best just to avoid the argument in the first place. Having the rest of the family around and lots of distractions seems to be able to limit him slightly on his demands. He is still with us enough to choose his moments, and knows when he is out voted. The key seems to be keeping calm and patient - something I am not so good at but this is certainly going to be good practice!!

I feel a lot of empathy for other people also handling this one. It is so tough though to find your parents suddenly turn from people who always looked out for you, to people who seem to be doing just the opposite. I don't have kids yet, but can only imagine what it is like for those facing this in later on with families of their own to also look out for.

 

[loveahug]

Hi Zelda

Only just caught up with this thread. Through their eyes, all they see is fear, of being alone, of dying, of not being loved, it consumes their mindset. The fears warp their perceptions and builds into a terror of everything. That's why they are desperate to get you and keep you close to them, to feel safe. Like a small child but unlike that small child, unable to build confidence and find their feet in the world. That regression is painful and terrifying for them. Whatever you do will never be enough because their fear won't go away, it's a primeval emotion. All you can do is love, try to be patient and arrange things to give your life some balance (and give you some 'me' time).

Ha here's me preaching and it's taken a couple of years to realise it myself!

Hugs and best wishes x