Dads declined in lockdown confused and speech

[deepetshopboy]

My dad really has declined especially so in last month there is something new happening literally now each week .in the last 3 months he lost hes abilty to grasp a conversation by about 50%ie he picks up most things wrong and answers back 50 %percent in a jumbled up mix of words i have to repeat myself often like hes deaf but he isnt I really
have to have soo much patience very difficult when tired /worn out
In the last month Hes lost hes bottom teeth normally losing things is a daily occurrence but this time he must’ve taken them out whilst in a cafe to ‘clean ‘them and left them on a table .i now face 2 months of taking him into a horrible dentist to get dentures made up ?in a pandemic
He pulled down the bedroom light from the ceiling whilst i was asleep at night on the sofabed ,in Hes bedroom he got a ladder from garden and yanked the light clean off from ceiling i had to make sure the light and remove bulb /hide ladder ( he forgot light switch )
.he is like a drunk toddler at times
.i suspect hes peeing in the garden at night as there is a strong smell of urine ( forgetting the toilet /dark in a hurry to go
He tryed to mistakenly burn hes fingernails off with a lighter again mixed light up with nail clippers as tgey were located in same cabinet all lighters bar one now thrown out .
He’s putting hes dirty soiled pants in with clean clothes in drawers and now forgetting to get in the bath ie getting undressed then dressed again I currently leave him to have a bath after collecting up clean items of clothing and let him bath normally ok now became a problem as 50% of time not going .on top of this i think hes now became Incontient as im finding wet pants rolled up just tonight i found wet boxers and sleeping pants all wee .im finding it difficult to get him looking clean as he keeps wearing same shirts or dirty coats that need cleaned i have to be blunt and tell him he stinks to high heaven of **** otherwise he will not believe me .

 

[MartinWL]

Oh dear what a litany of woe. It does sound as if you're going to need help pretty soon either at home or maybe it's time for residential care. If you're on your own and he is incontinent in the house you're going to have your work cut out on your own.

 

[deepetshopboy]

Oh dear what a litany of woe. It does sound as if you're going to need help pretty soon either at home or maybe it's time for residential care. If you're on your own and he is incontinent in the house you're going to have your work cut out on your own.

Yes i know that was what i was dreading im also female and my dad is very private so against hes wishes he will have to get some bathroom help

 

[MartinWL]

Yes i know that was what i was dreading im also female and my dad is very private so against hes wishes he will have to get some bathroom help

Oh! And I thought a pet shop boy would be male!!!!!

 

[canary]

Oh dear, I am so sorry. When they get to this stage of memory and understanding loss it becomes incredibly challenging - especially in the bathroom department. At least he is peeing outside and not in the corner of his bedroom! I would recommend getting a referral to the continence clinic (and also invest in a good steam mop), although it may be difficult to persuade your dad to wear incontinence products. I also think that it is important that your dad is clean as incontinence can herald a lot of infections. If you do not with to do this (and who can blame you) then you are really going to have to get carers in - whatever your dad says.

Incontinence is often the breaking point where families can no longer deal with the challanges at home and it really sounds like he now needs eyes on him all the time - night and day. I agree with @MartinWL - I think its time to start thinking about a care home.

 

[deepetshopboy]

Oh! And I thought a pet shop boy would be male!!!!!

No it was my user name way back in 2008 ive been on here on and off as my aunt had alz and then my dad unfortunately now its named after my doggy who i nicknamed’ pet shop boy’ as he loved to go to the pet shop !!

 

[deepetshopboy]

Oh dear, I am so sorry. When they get to this stage of memory and understanding loss it becomes incredibly challenging - especially in the bathroom department. At least he is peeing outside and not in the corner of his bedroom! I would recommend getting a referral to the continence clinic (and also invest in a good steam mop), although it may be difficult to persuade your dad to wear incontinence products. I also think that it is important that your dad is clean as incontinence can herald a lot of infections. If you do not with to do this (and who can blame you) then you are really going to have to get carers in - whatever your dad says.

Incontinence is often the breaking point where families can no longer deal with the challanges at home and it really sounds like he now needs eyes on him all the time - night and day. I agree with @MartinWL - I think its time to start thinking about a care home.

Yes i will have to see how bad it gets
Ill be contacting tge gp re the possible in continence and maybe urine infection

 

[jugglingmum]

No it was my user name way back in 2008 ive been on here on and off as my aunt had alz and then my dad unfortunately now its named after my doggy who i nicknamed’ pet shop boy’ as he loved to go to the pet shop !!

And I've always assumed it related to the 80s band (one of my favourites) - I was aware from your posts you were female.

@Bunpoots had issues with her dad's incontinence issues which she approached in a sideways stealthy way and might have some good advice on that, but everything else is ringing massive alarm bells and would seem to indicate a care home - particularly the light fitting/ladder issues - you can't stay awake 24/7 - and I really do admire everything you have done for your dad over the years.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @deepetshopboy

Yes I did have some interesting ways of dealing with my dad’s incontinence issues as @jugglingmum says. I never really found a solution but I did manage some of the mess with stealth and love-lies. My dad didn’t want to accept help from me and I’d have found it difficult, as his daughter, to be hands on. I did manage to keep things fresher smelling by hiding his dirty laundry which I found all over his bungalow (including in the oven on one memorable occasion!) until there was enough for a wash load behind the door in the garage where I knew he wouldn’t look.

When it came to incontinence pads I used double sided tape to stick the pads in as if he saw the ends flapping about he would take them out of the pants before he put them on - and bought white pants for him to make the pads less visible. I used to make him a coffee and then sneak off to his bedroom to stick pads in all his pants while he was occupied with his drink.

When he eventually needed pull-ups I told him the doctor said he needed them to keep him bum from getting sore as he sat down so much. He then complained that they were women’s pants so I stamped the word “men” on the front in blue letters. After that he complained that they made his bum look big...but he wore them if I was there to remind him to put them on.

Shortly after this I got carers in to make his meals (I didn’t live with dad) and make sure he was wearing his pull-ups. He was far more co-operative with carers than he was with me. It used to take me an hour to persuade him to change and they managed to get the job done in 5 minutes!

It wasn’t long after this that dad’s needs were such that he needed a carehome though.

 

[deepetshopboy]

And I've always assumed it related to the 80s band (one of my favourites) - I was aware from your posts you were female.

@Bunpoots had issues with her dad's incontinence issues which she approached in a sideways stealthy way and might have some good advice on that, but everything else is ringing massive alarm bells and would seem to indicate a care home - particularly the light fitting/ladder issues - you can't stay awake 24/7 - and I really do admire everything you have done for your dad over the years.

Yes they are one of my favourite bands too ! That gave me the idea Sadly doggy is long gone but did live to a ripe old age of 16 !

Yes i was quite shocked at what mischief he was getting up too it is very worriying but im trying to keep him safe as much as i can I'm going have to start thinking about a home after this covid nightmere ends but right now i dont know what the future holds or tomorrow ☹️?‍♀️ill just have to see how much more ill be able to cope with and tolerate

 

[deepetshopboy]

Hi @deepetshopboy

Yes I did have some interesting ways of dealing with my dad’s incontinence issues as @jugglingmum says. I never really found a solution but I did manage some of the mess with stealth and love-lies. My dad didn’t want to accept help from me and I’d have found it difficult, as his daughter, to be hands on. I did manage to keep things fresher smelling by hiding his dirty laundry which I found all over his bungalow (including in the oven on one memorable occasion!) until there was enough for a wash load behind the door in the garage where I knew he wouldn’t look.

When it came to incontinence pads I used double sided tape to stick the pads in as if he saw the ends flapping about he would take them out of the pants before he put them on - and bought white pants for him to make the pads less visible. I used to make him a coffee and then sneak off to his bedroom to stick pads in all his pants while he was occupied with his drink.

When he eventually needed pull-ups I told him the doctor said he needed them to keep him bum from getting sore as he sat down so much. He then complained that they were women’s pants so I stamped the word “men” on the front in blue letters. After that he complained that they made his bum look big...but he wore them if I was there to remind him to put them on.

Shortly after this I got carers in to make his meals (I didn’t live with dad) and make sure he was wearing his pull-ups. He was far more co-operative with carers than he was with me. It used to take me an hour to persuade him to change and they managed to get the job done in 5 minutes!

It wasn’t long after this that dad’s needs were such that he needed a carehome though.

Aww that was real dedication in getting Him to wear the pads ?
i did have to laugh though at you putting a stamp on saying ‘ man ‘ sorry ! but I suppose if we dont have a sense of humour and laugh this freaking illness will send us crazy too?
There not very dignified male incontience pants are they ?women are used to sanitary pads men must associate them with periods etc so i can sympathise
you would think the companys would make them more manly .

 

[deepetshopboy]

@Bunpoots how did your dad get on in the care home sounds similar to my dad stubborn and strong willed

 

[Bunpoots]

@Bunpoots how did your dad get on in the care home sounds similar to my dad stubborn and strong willed

Yep! Stubborn and strong willed pretty much summed him up! I had to laugh (not while dad was there though!) About the things I had to think up to keep him dry once the incontinence started. It was definitely a laugh or cry situation ?

He was ok once he'd settled in. It took about 4 weeks for the carers to find out what suited him and how to manage personal care, which he hated. Dad liked his own company. He'd be ok with others for about 3hrs (even before dementia) and would then want to go home. Once he'd established that "home" in his carehome was his room he was fine. He'd go down to socialize occasionally, especially if children were visiting, and if it got rowdy down there he'd tell everyone off with his teacher's voice ?...which was how the carers worked out that he used to be one!

I have to admit I was very worried about how he'd be there but I couldn't keep him safe at home anymore. After he'd been there about a month I realized I should have moved him sooner as he was much more relaxed. He'd previously been getting more and more anxious at home.

 

[deepetshopboy]

Yep! Stubborn and strong willed pretty much summed him up! I had to laugh (not while dad was there though!) About the things I had to think up to keep him dry once the incontinence started. It was definitely a laugh or cry situation ?

He was ok once he'd settled in. It took about 4 weeks for the carers to find out what suited him and how to manage personal care, which he hated. Dad liked his own company. He'd be ok with others for about 3hrs (even before dementia) and would then want to go home. Once he'd established that "home" in his carehome was his room he was fine. He'd go down to socialize occasionally, especially if children were visiting, and if it got rowdy down there he'd tell everyone off with his teacher's voice ?...which was how the carers worked out that he used to be one!

I have to admit I was very worried about how he'd be there but I couldn't keep him safe at home anymore. After he'd been there about a month I realized I should have moved him sooner as he was much more relaxed. He'd previously been getting more and more anxious at home.

Aww was your dad old when he enterd a care home
Id say my dad is mid stage but very young 73 otherwise fit n healthy
Hes carer told me yesterday my dads memory is as bad as the 98 yr old she looks after though ?

 

[Bunpoots]

My dad was 89 so a lot older than yours but had been reasonably fit until he had a stroke which lead him, via hospital, to the carehome. I had to fight to keep him there though once I realised he was happier and safer there.

I know what it’s like to have a younger parent with dementia though as mum was only 76 when her stroke catapulted her into late stage dementia. She should really have been in care but dad wanted her to stay home and it was a struggle for him to look after her even with support from myself, my aunt and professional carers...and several sessions of respite as she didn’t sleep at night!

 

[jugglingmum]

Once dementia comes into play I don't think age comes into it.

My mum is 90, 83 when had crisis which led me here.

Someone at work's MIl was early 70s when things went wrong, a year or so after my crisis and died earlier this year due to dementia still in her 70s.

It all depends on how the brain is being affected, as it slowly affects different bits. My mum's memory was very good for the first few years of dementia but that has now gone.

My MIL now has issues (her friends think she has dementia) but is a frail 93 year old, she has had mobility problems all her life (told she'd be in a wheelchair by the time she was 30) and walks leaning heavily on a stick.

 

[Mango0288]

Yep! Stubborn and strong willed pretty much summed him up! I had to laugh (not while dad was there though!) About the things I had to think up to keep him dry once the incontinence started. It was definitely a laugh or cry situation ?

He was ok once he'd settled in. It took about 4 weeks for the carers to find out what suited him and how to manage personal care, which he hated. Dad liked his own company. He'd be ok with others for about 3hrs (even before dementia) and would then want to go home. Once he'd established that "home" in his carehome was his room he was fine. He'd go down to socialize occasionally, especially if children were visiting, and if it got rowdy down there he'd tell everyone off with his teacher's voice ?...which was how the carers worked out that he used to be one!

I have to admit I was very worried about how he'd be there but I couldn't keep him safe at home anymore. After he'd been there about a month I realized I should have moved him sooner as he was much more relaxed. He'd previously been getting more and more anxious at home.

Hi,
Long time reader, 1st time post...er, 1 year with mum's dementia.
My mum has gone downhill fast during lockdown and there is only myself and my wife to care for her. We both have jobs/kids/dog etc.
I'm on the verge of getting social service care for making meals etc but can see that 'a care home' won't be far away.
Now the selfish bit... mum has no savings as she has only just paid off her mortgage pre-lockdown but does have a good pension and a nice house.
So... do I not worry about the inheritance and go for the care home as soon as necessary or move her in with us or move in with her, give up my job and view 'saving the house' as my income/inheritance?

What do you think and did anyone else go through these thoughts?

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Mango0288 and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. If you've been lurking for a while you'll know what a supportive and helpful community this is.
I guess your mum lives independently with you dropping in to do things. This can work well for a long time, but there comes a time when more is needed. Getting a social services assessment would be a good start, but if your mum has a good pension you could just get some help in. Maybe say it's part of a job creation scheme if your mum objects to the idea of carers. This can gradually build up as needed. Having said that it was something I never managed with my mum, and in the end she went from living completely independently with me dropping in a couple of times a week to a care home. I would think long and hard about moving in and trying to preserve your inheritance. You might find it puts a lot of strain on your relationship with your wife and children and there will probably come a time when a care home is needed anyway. BTW do you have power of attorney for finance and health and welfare? If you don't now is the time to get it sorted. Details here.
I'm sure others will be along with their own experiences and suggestions, but in the meantime you might like to start your own thread. Just click on the blue post thread button on the top right hand side.

 

[Mango0288]

Hi

Hi @Mango0288 and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. If you've been lurking for a while you'll know what a supportive and helpful community this is.
I guess your mum lives independently with you dropping in to do things. This can work well for a long time, but there comes a time when more is needed. Getting a social services assessment would be a good start, but if your mum has a good pension you could just get some help in. Maybe say it's part of a job creation scheme if your mum objects to the idea of carers. This can gradually build up as needed. Having said that it was something I never managed with my mum, and in the end she went from living completely independently with me dropping in a couple of times a week to a care home. I would think long and hard about moving in and trying to preserve your inheritance. You might find it puts a lot of strain on your relationship with your wife and children and there will probably come a time when a care home is needed anyway. BTW do you have power of attorney for finance and health and welfare? If you don't now is the time to get it sorted. Details
I'm sure others will be along with their own experiences and suggestions, but in the meantime you might like to start your own thread. Just click on the blue post thread button on the top right hand side.

Hi Sarasa,
Thanks for your quick reply, you must have read my mind, re creating a new post! I have just copy/pasted into the 'Financial' section.
Thanks for the advice. I drop in every day as I only live two minutes away and she is very demanding/needy at the moment. We have just asked for a social services assessment, so wish us luck as she has approx. the limit of money in here current account.
Yes we have power of attorney for both.
I'ts just the fear of the unknown which is bad at the moment, as well as dealing with mum's delusions/paranoia etc.

 

[canary]

Hi @Mango0288 and welcome to DTP.
Im sorry to say that the demanding/neediness will only increase over time and the delusions/confabulations are unlikely to be a passing phase as they are absolutely typical of dementia.
Do think very hard before you give up your work and your own home. Caring takes over your whole life, children and dementia are a difficult match and eventually your mum may well need a care home anyway.