Dad's Bringing Her Home...

[Hobnob]

I apologise for the long post but i just need to have a bit of a rant to get it off my chest before I pop!

I posted a thread last week about trying to convince my FIL to make the right decison for my MIL (pwd) and find her a permanent home after her hospital stay and being classed as bedbound.... refresh your memories with the link (Hope it works I'm not used to using forums!)

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/convincing-dad-to-make-the-right-decison.109249/


We he's rang today saying he turned up at the hospital and MIL wasn't in her bed. Staff had managed to get her into a wheelchair and she was sat in the conservatory eating biscuits! As lovely as this is to hear, he has also confirmed she will now be going back home to his care as the council have agreed to supply him with a hospital bed and seat. I still can't shake the feeling that this is all going to end in tears... he told my Husband that when we left after the disagreement up hospital (where the nurse came to intervene) he broke down in tears as he felt like we were ganging up on him and it was a "low blow" that we'd expressed our worries/concerns to the nurse about how he will cope with MIL at home, especially with his deteriorating health and if he were to fall and fracture his leg again (as he did a few months ago). And how dare we say we won't help him because we've got our 'own life and commitments now' when he's asked very little of us over the years anyway.

I honestly don't know how I bit my tongue when he was on the phone to Hubby saying all this... It's like he wants to keep his struggles under wraps just so they don't think he's incapable of looking after her. Hubby told him quite clearly that we still disagree with his decision. And as for us saying we won't help due to commitments... what we actually said was if he was seriously thinking of having her back home then he needs to be aware we can't just drop everything like we've been able to in the past now that we have a 10month old baby/ I'll be back working full time in a few weeks/ having to help my parents more after my Dad was diagnosed with Cancer and is going thru Chemo.

He's convinced he'll get her out and about in a wheelchair and everything will go back to being hunky-dory. And after thinking about what he said about trying it for 2 months... I've figured out why. Our little boys 1st birthday is in 2 months time.... he used his birth as an excuse to put off finding a care home last year when it was clear she would have benefited from one... saying she can't be a proper Nanny unless she's in her own home. Well he's not using MY son as an excuse anymore, and if he does try I don't think I'll be able to bite my tongue again.

Sorry for the rant.... just needed someone to listen

 

[canary]

Oh dear..........
I think you are probably right about it having to get to a crisis before he accepts that he cant look after her.
Make sure you stick to your guns about not being able to drop everything when he calls, even if its difficult
(((((hugs))))))

 

[Amy in the US]

I'm listening, @Hobnob ! We all are, and I hope it feels a bit better to get that off your chest.

You have a lot going on, with a young child and your dad (I'm so sorry; I have been there with my father-in-law with cancer and chemo) and work and all. Of course you can't also magically care for MIL as well.

It may be that he needs to try, for whatever reasons, to bring her home. I hope it won't result in a crisis for either or both of them, but sometimes that is what it takes to make someone accept help.

I think it's perfectly fine for you to set limits and stick to them. I also think that is easy for me to say and I don't mean it at all in a critical way. Nothing about dementia is ever easy and I wish you all the best. If you have time and are so inclined, please let us know how things go. We do care.

 

[Hobnob]

Thanks @canary and @Amy in the US ... I just needed a place to let loose and say everything that was running through my mind.

Hubby and I are in agreement that we will take a step back now and stop "propping" FIL up as it were. If he asks for clarification on something the social worker/carers have said then he can find it out for himself. I'm not dropping everything to sit my son in front of a tv for hours on end whilst I look it up for him. I feel like all those hours spent meticulously searching for suitable care homes/assisted living complexes etc has just been thrown back in my face. Time I could have been spending with my boy before going back to work full time time I'll never get back. Sounds awfully selfish of me but that's how I feel, and now I feel terrible for saying it/feeling it.

I think what's making it so much harder is knowing deep down FIL isnt/probably will never tell us the true extent of what is going on and what's been said by other professionals. Whether he's doing it because he thinks it will be too upsetting for hubby I don't know... but either way hubby explained to him earlier during the phone call that we all felt like he was doing stuff and making decisions behind our backs, and then springing them on us when it's too late to change the situation. Prime example is the reason for this post... a week ago he was thinking about having MIL back home, and during todays heated phone call he's now told us she definately will be as the bed and equipment is being dropped off on Tues! And yet hubby text him yesterday to ask how things were as we hadn't heard off him for a few days... makes me wonder if he was avoiding speaking to us so there was no way to mention the move.

I just hope the social worker stays in the loop and not just leave him to it like they have done in the past. Because the last thing I want is to see MIL (and to some extent FIL) leading a life that neither are happy or supported in. That will mean at some point either me/hubby/brother in law will have to step in and I know it will cause massive repercussions and lead down roads that we have tried so hard to get FIL to overcome & avoid these past few years (i.e. excessive drinking).

 

[Malalie]

Hello Hobnob. You have all been going through the mill - it's bad enough when the PWD is in total denial, never mind the elderly person who determinedly intends to look after them as well!

I can see your Dads point - every couple wants to remain the same - comfortable, looking after each other, being reliable parents to their families.... we all want to do that, don't we?

However, as with many people looking after PWD are forced to do - you may have to wait for the crisis before anything will happen. It's very hard (MIL was perfectly alright, did all her cooking and shopping, thank you very much! -she didn't - she ate nothing, never changed clothes or bathed etc etc and it was only with the police involved and hospital visits after falls that we actually got her into a home.) It was like waiting for a train crash for us, and it must be a lot worse for you as you have the both of them to consider.

I think you are very wise having made the decision to step back a little - you don't get much time with your children -your baby should come first (and I bet your Mum would agree if she was in her right mind) Have contingency plans ie: a nice close care home that you find acceptable - put her name on the list!. Emergency phone numbers for your Dad to call when you are unavailable to help etc. Keep a very short bullet point diary of what's happening with both Mum and Dad - may come in useful in the future.

No possibility of getting your Dad onto this forum at all is there? There are several people looking after bed bound relatives on here, and they do seem to manage...somehow...and they all deserve halos!. I'm sure that they would advise, but not an ideal situation at all.

As Amy says, its easy for me to say all this, but I can't quite think of anything else to suggest. Just a bit of sympathy and moral support. WendyXX

 

[Hobnob]

Thanks @Malalie,
We tried telling FIL a year or so back that he needed to start looking at homes and putting him name down, but would he listen? Hopefully now we may have some leverage...it had got to the point 2 weeks ago of her being placed in the first home that was available so hospital could free the bed up seen as he hadn't been overly proactive in finding one himself. When he starting looking for a home in a mad panic it opened his eyes to how hard it would be to find one he was happy with and that actually had a space free for her. Bit you've hit the nail on the head with him feeling it's his duty to care for her... he keeps saying he didn't take his wedding vows lightly and he meant every word (he used to be quite religious but is more relaxed nowadays) Even the nurse at the hospital said he will still be fullfilling his vows regardless of where she is.

He's not tech savvy so would struggle being on here, as much as I think it would help him to talk to others in similar situations he's very proud and hates family thinking he's not coping (unless of course he admits it when its got too much and he wants a break...) let alone strangers. Thats partly why I've joined really; when we spoke to brother in law last week re: mom going back home he admitted he feels like he's now grieved for her old life and is now more focused on getting her sorted for the future after remembering what it was like seeing both his maternal grandparents suffer with dementia (he's in total agreement she would benefit more being in a home). I agreed that I feel as though I've grieved too, whereas my husband (youngest of the two brothers) admitted he hadn't yet and although he knows what's to come and remembers bits of his grandparents, he still wants to focus on the here and now. So whenever I try to talk to him about homes/care etc he is fairly passive about it... not that he's not bothered/in denial, he'd just prefer for me to sort it. So after starting to feel like I was getting overwhelmed by it all seemingly being on my shoulders, I thought if I can get some help and advice (and an ear to rant in!) it may help me focus again and have something to arm myself with when the time comes to put our foot down with FIL and say enough is enough.

I will definately keep a diary that's a good idea, when she's home I'll make a point of one of us ringing/texting everyday and noting what FIL has said so he can't deny it or pretend it never happened.

Only been on this forum a few days and already members have helped so much. Thank you all xx

 

[jugglingmum]

Based on your posts I think you'll need to step back and let it happen.

You mention retuning to work full time from maternity. As all of us who've done that know it is one big step on its own, my kids are now 12 and 17, and I've only worked part time since they were born.. You need to concentrate on you your son and spending time with OH during this transition period. It's hard enough going back to the hustle and bustle of work. You don't want to break. And for a few weeks getting up, getting son up, getting him to childcare on the way to work, making bottles, and sleeping are going to fill most of your life.

I suspect there will be a crisis but you can't prevent it happening, so try and step back as much as possible for now, so you can enjoy some time with your baby, and build your reserves ready for the next hurdle.

This may sound backwards thinking, but it might be the more you step back, the quicker the crisis will happen, the less severe it will be and the sooner you can get MIL into a home.

As far as FIL's excessive drinking is concerned, I doubt in the short term there is anything you can do about it, it may be linked to depression but more likely a habit that has grown, and the only thing to do would be to find him displacement activities. This might be getting him to visit MIL a lot when she is in the home, or something like men in sheds might work for him. The only person that can do anything about his drinking is FIL, and anyone else trying is like trying to keep the tide from coming in.

 

[Hobnob]

This is very true @jugglingmum
Unfortunately FIL has always had issues with drink, (one of his sisters and one or two of his brothers also have/did before it caused their death) altho I can understand why it's reared its head again over the past year or so. It cant be easy for him. Thankfully he does spend most his time with MIL (at hospital or when she's been in respite) so he only tends to drink once he's left her on a night or before he goes to see her at dinnertime.

I think I'll have a proper sit down with hubby and brother in law and pass on all the advice given here. To be honest it's what I've thought we should do anyway but hearing it from people who are in similar situations makes me more confident we will be doing the right thing. As hard as it is and as selfish as it may be, I do need to put my son first now. We struggled so much to have him so I do feel a little resentful that we've missed out on enjoying these precious first months with him because of sorting out FIL.

Thank you all for your sound advice x

 

[jugglingmum]

Unfortunately FIL has always had issues with drink, (one of his sisters and one or two of his brothers also have/did before it caused their death)

If this is the case, there is nothing you are likely to be able to do, I had an aunt whose early death was caused by alcohol, despite many attempts by my father and much money spent, nothing worked. Please don't fret about what you can't fix.