Dad recently moved to care home and not settling.

[Tash33]

Dad has always been mums carer. (She's had rheumatoid arthritis since 17). They have been married 50 years! They live for each other. Dad was diagnosed in Sept 2023 and despite being put on donepezil he has continued to decline quite rapidly.

Dad had a bad fall, bleed on the brain and an infection in early Feb and spent over a week in hospital. Due to his prostate cancer he was up a lot to go the toilet and has had ongoing night time toileting issues. It was deemed by the social worker that he should go to an assessment bed in a care home. He has been there 2 weeks. A bit of delirium still resides from the infection. He is up 4 plus times a night and is doubly incontinent at night. I get he needs care that my poor mum and a care package could never provide. (I live 60 miles away and my brother is even further)I visit every weekend and stayed with them the month of Jan as things had declined so quickly that I didn't think it was age to go home.)

Mum went to see him today and he cried to go home! He says he is in a 'prison' and is lonely and has no one to talk to as the other patients in the dementia wing are not able to chat. He won't go the day room for his meals as he says the other people are old and dying). He sits in his room - door closed all day. He doesn't understand what he has done to be in this 'prison' and desperately wants to go home. Mum was so distressed and cried all afternoon. She said he was quite lucid on her visit (he has been previously talking about a forest and a light and people chasing him). I think that might be the delirium due to the infection.

We are so so heartbroken that he is in this situation. In a home cause mum can't care for him and distressed amd confused. I want so badly to take him home to mummy but I know I can't. He has been in the care home 3 weeks coming on Monday. Is this normal? Has he been put there too early? Will he ever settle? My biggest fear is that he will cry to me and beg him to take him home. This illness is too cruel!

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Tash33 I am sorry to hear about your Dad. From your description, he does seem to need a level of supervision and care that a care home can provide. The first few weeks can be difficult and distressing and perseverance is necessary. 3 weeks is not that long to get used to the routines, become familiar with the staff and (perhaps) make friends with other residents. Time is needed to achieve the transfer of dependency to the care home staff. With luck he will begin to settle and you can help by not focussing on the things that he doesn't like about the home. It is hard to be jolly and to always smile but if you can do that it will help him get used to the place. Have a word with the staff as they will be able to say what he is like when he doesn't have visitors. I am sure that they will do their best to help him to settle in. It takes time but can be achieved.

 

[canary]

Dad had a bad fall, bleed on the brain and an infection in early Feb and spent over a week in hospital. Due to his prostate cancer he was up a lot to go the toilet and has had ongoing night time toileting issues. It was deemed by the social worker that he should go to an assessment bed in a care home. He has been there 2 weeks.

Is this a discharge to assess bed, where he went there straight from hospital?

If it is then this is a temporary arrangement for up to 6 weeks so that they can work out what his needs are. At the end there will be a Best Interest Meeting to decide whether he is well enough to go home with a care package, whether he needs a care home, or whether he needs a nursing home.

If it is decided that he needs a care/nursing home then the SW will help you find a permanent one, but there is nothing to stop you look at homes now, so that you know what is on offer. All care/nursing homes are different and accept different care needs, so it is very likely that not all of them will accept your dad and if he would need LA help with funding a lot of them would want the family to pay additional "top-up" fees, so do be aware of this.

It always takes a while to settle into a care home - usually a good couple of months. My mum spent the first 6 weeks in her care home "packing to go home" (which in reality meant she was taking the plastic liners out of bins and putting a few random items in them), but after a couple of months she did settle and was happy there.

 

[maisiecat]

Hi @Tash33 , 3 weeks is very early days in terms of transfer to a Nursing home my husband took much longer to settle than that. Also your Dad has a lot of nighttime issues that would mean Social services would be unlikely to feel a care at home package would be safe.
Does the Home have any activities your Dad could join in with? The Home will be gentle about their invitations to join in as they know that people take a while to settle especially if they have been discharged from a hospital stay.
My husband also uses the term in prison. PWD do rather overstate and often overfeel emotions so your role is to try and defuse and deflect.
It is dreadful for your parents to be apart,its dreadful for my husband and I to be apart (46 years) but you have to look at the best interests of your Dad.
Try to take a bit more time and look at other Homes if necessary but many Homes do not take people who are very disturbed at night due to staffing levels.
Good luck, I am afraid its all very hard

 

[Tash33]

Hi @Tash33 I am sorry to hear about your Dad. From your description, he does seem to need a level of supervision and care that a care home can provide. The first few weeks can be difficult and distressing and perseverance is necessary. 3 weeks is not that long to get used to the routines, become familiar with the staff and (perhaps) make friends with other residents. Time is needed to achieve the transfer of dependency to the care home staff. With luck he will begin to settle and you can help by not focussing on the things that he doesn't like about the home. It is hard to be jolly and to always smile but if you can do that it will help him get used to the place. Have a word with the staff as they will be able to say what he is like when he doesn't have visitors. I am sure that they will do their best to help him to settle in. It takes time but can be achieved.

Thank you for your reply. I always do put on a brave face when I visit. Big smiles and my usual banter with dad but it is so painful to watch him and I leave feeling drained and upset. Supposed to be going to visit today but can't face it! The staff seem amazing. They are very comforting and reassuring to him and he does chat to them. Yes it is early days for dad. I just HATE this process and watching both my parents struggle is so difficult.