hi my 91yr old dad died 2 months ago he had cancer but was a very strong man and cared for my mum who is 86yrs old and has alzheimers. i have cared for both of them for the last ten years they lived in their own home . i am an only child and we were a very close little group.i do not know how dad managed mum when i wasn,t there. i went every day , washing shopping cleaning drs appointments etc anything they needed and we coped together, when dad died mum came straight to us to live, i had not realised how bad my mums illness was , i knew it was really bad through seeing them everyday but was not prepared for this. mum was admitted to hosp with pneumonia 4 days later after 5 weeks in hospital i had to make the decision for mum to go to a nursing home which has broken my heart, i promised dad this would never happen- i do not know if she is in the right place but she is just down the road from me so i can get there easily and i felt this was the main priority so we would be close,it has been hard handing over control to them in fact it is something that preys on my mind every day wondering if i could have done more and had just taken the easy option i do not know if i can ever forgive myself- i visit mum every day at the home and i find it hard to accept my lovely mum is here for possibly the rest of her life- i think she is in late stage alzhiemers, cannot walk, sit up , needs assistance with meals , doublly incontinent and various other issues , i miss my dad he always turned my frowns into a smile and always helped me in al ways.mum knows who i am and we are able to talk a little but i cannot mention my dad she has not spoke of him since he died i know this is along thread but is there anyone that has been in similar situation .
dad passing away and mum now in care home
- Thread starter karenbow
- Start date
Hello @karenbow
No ones situation is ever exactly the same, but in 2015 my dad died very quickly from an aggressive cancer, it took three weeks from diagnosis to death, my mum was in the early stages of dementia at that point, but even then it was hard. After the funeral mum never really mentioned him, but in time I realised its because she was regressing and she assumed he was away working as dad was in the Royal Navy and for many years worked out in Saudi Arabia -I guessed thats where she was at in her thoughts and time/place.
In time these things become lost and I learned very quickly not to say that dad had passed but that he was away working and be home in a few weeks. As she advanced, Mum used to stand waiting for him to come home at the end of the front garden, but of course he never came home. I don't know how someones mind works with dementia, but its like she went through epsiodes of not remembering and then epsidoes of disjointed remembering until finally it all faded away.
No ones situation is ever exactly the same, but in 2015 my dad died very quickly from an aggressive cancer, it took three weeks from diagnosis to death, my mum was in the early stages of dementia at that point, but even then it was hard. After the funeral mum never really mentioned him, but in time I realised its because she was regressing and she assumed he was away working as dad was in the Royal Navy and for many years worked out in Saudi Arabia -I guessed thats where she was at in her thoughts and time/place.
In time these things become lost and I learned very quickly not to say that dad had passed but that he was away working and be home in a few weeks. As she advanced, Mum used to stand waiting for him to come home at the end of the front garden, but of course he never came home. I don't know how someones mind works with dementia, but its like she went through epsiodes of not remembering and then epsidoes of disjointed remembering until finally it all faded away.
thankyou palerider for responding - its so sad isn,t it? i will continue not to mention dad -it would have been their 66th wedding anniversary next week - i think like you said about your mum my mum may be regressing aswell , she believes flowers in her room are from her mum even though i gave them to her- i dont correct her and agree with everything she says best wishes
Hello @karenbow
I looked after my parents from a distance for several years, which was a struggle. I finally managed to move them nearer to me only to discover that Dad had cancer and he died a couple of months after the move. He spent the last few weeks in a nursing home. I looked after mum for 2 years after that but moved her into a care home from hospital after a stroke made her existing dementia much worse. She has been in her current care home for 4 years now (I had to move her from the previous one when they could no longer provide the care she needed).
Many of us here have had to break the promise of never putting our parents in a care home but you have undoubtedly made the right choice. You have not taken an easy option at all but the best and kindest one.
You are right to slip into your mum's world. We have to go and find them wherever they are. It sounds to me as though you are being an excellent daughter.
Keep posting for support and advice. There are lots of us out here who have been through, or are going through, very similar things and truly do understand how you feel.
I looked after my parents from a distance for several years, which was a struggle. I finally managed to move them nearer to me only to discover that Dad had cancer and he died a couple of months after the move. He spent the last few weeks in a nursing home. I looked after mum for 2 years after that but moved her into a care home from hospital after a stroke made her existing dementia much worse. She has been in her current care home for 4 years now (I had to move her from the previous one when they could no longer provide the care she needed).
Many of us here have had to break the promise of never putting our parents in a care home but you have undoubtedly made the right choice. You have not taken an easy option at all but the best and kindest one.
You are right to slip into your mum's world. We have to go and find them wherever they are. It sounds to me as though you are being an excellent daughter.
Keep posting for support and advice. There are lots of us out here who have been through, or are going through, very similar things and truly do understand how you feel.
