Dad is making mum's life hell - desperate

[Tatiana]

You have my sympathies. I haven't time to reply properly now, but my Inlaws relationship sounds as toxic as your parents. It's horrible, and beyond understanding that anyone would choose to stay with an abusive partner. Years ago, I actually asked my MiL how and why she stayed with 'him' and she simply said, 'I know which side my bread's buttered on...' Bizarre and disturbing.

 

[susy]

People stay in abusive relationships because they have little self confidence. The abuser takes all of that away. The person who is being bullied is not allowed an opinion of their own, unless someone from outside is watching. It's all part of their control. It takes a very strong and brave person once in that relationship to break free from it. Your parents got together when divorce was shameful too. That will also be a contributing factor of how your mum feels. I really cannot see that your mum will ever want to break free from this. That really does sound bizarre but think of hostages, they often form an emotional bond that is extremely strong with their captors. It's all about extremes of emotion and how that affects us. Your dad in creating fear and dominance over your mum has become her normal and she is blinkered to what is happening to her. She simply try's to keep the peace (asking you to ring ahead and ask his permission to come over for instance) and is something goes wrong then she accepts that it's her fault.

This is a vile situation to find someone you love in, especially if it's also someone you love who is the abuser. I really really do feel for you.
Now to help, offer your mum a way out (coming to yours, woman refuge etc) See if you can put cameras up and/ or audio recording devices. If nothing else you can show your dad what he actually does and does he think that in any way that this is acceptable. Ask the neighbours who call/tell you that they hear your dad shouting at your mum to call the police to intervene. The police are not stupid and realise that people turn into charm itself when confronted by authority.

Do not expect your mum to be in the slightest bit grateful because deep down she is scared and her "normal" life is being scrutinised and that is embarrassing because human beings do not like their dirty washing being aired in public.

I read what you wrote with horror and sympathy. I think your dad is scared to change and scared to be on his own. He doesn't want anyone to judge him. He is the king of his castle and that's that. It will be difficult for him to accept change. Difficult to accept rejection as he sees it.

I do hope some of this helps you. I hope that the situation changes totally and soon. The very best wishes for all your futures.

 

[KMH]

Thank you for all of these thoughtful and very helpful posts. The support on here is so great even though I come on here very little (well since mum fell life has been pretty full on to be fair, I have my own business and am a part time FE teacher and can't afford to give those up, even if I wanted to).

Thank you all, especially to those who have been through this and show such compassion and understanding. I know the issue here is basically domestic abuse, my mother has normalised this for many years (and I grew up with it), susy you show a lot of insight to her mind set. My dad can be a petty bully and tyrant but age and frailty make this so much more complicated. For many years I could just stay at arms length with a weekly phone call but now am drawn ever more closely in.

Something which has emerged recently from a family member is that my dad's own story is very sad: after his father died in the Blitz his mother struggled on for two years with five children then abandoned them. The oldest was eleven, he was the oldest brother at nine, the youngest was a baby, and they fended for themselves for three days before they were taken into care. They were all put into different 'villas' in the same big institution where punishment and retribution from the 'house mothers' was the norm. The children were also well known because they were never visited. He has never told me any of this: all I knew was that I never met my grandmother even though she was alive till I was 17 and he knew where she was. He has never discussed his childhood or family with me at all, although he said he was at a boarding school, which wasn't true. I am pretty sure that to an extent he is doing to my mother what was done to him and may think that is what 'carers' do.

The tricky part with getting help for her is that maybe I should have made it clearer the Safeguarding inquiry has already happened while mum was in hospital. She was interviewed in her hospital bed by uniformed police who offered to arrest my dad. She was adamant that she did not want police involved. She has people she can call who will remove her to a 'place of safety' if she wants to but she chooses not. I don't think anybody is under any illusions about what he does, or needs more evidence: the point is she is not a child, she has capacity, and she chooses to stay. I had hoped that psychiatric assessment would mean treatment for him: instead it may well mean a dementia diagnosis for her. He has been discharged, but she has 'results' to discuss. I have since given the mental health team information which they were not given before assessment about his rage episodes, the Safeguarding and his diagnosis of Small Vessel Disease.

I don't know where we are going, I am just trying to do my best for both of them. It may sound odd that I am trying to support dad too, but I believe his behaviour is basically a mental health rather than a criminal issue. One ray of light: when mum was in hospital I bought her a little bear for when I wasn't around. The bear went everywhere with her: mum immediately named her 'Hope'. Some pretty horrible things happened to her in hospital, about the lowest point was early October when her kidneys failed due to an untreated UTI (she had been there four weeks at that point) and she was unconscious and unresponsive from 1pm to 8pm. It was a Sunday and there were just two young doctors and one registrar covering the whole hospital. The nursing staff didn't seem to like her much as she was sometimes 'difficult', and they didn't seem to notice her getting drowsier and drowsier that day. It took five different people trying to catheterise her before they could manage it. I don't like remembering how awful it was. But Hope the little bear got her through - and if mum doesn't lose Hope, neither can I.

X

 

[Haylett]

KMH - I can't add anything to the excellent advice that you have been given here but just wanted to offer moral support and hope very much that you and your husband can find some way of getting an evening off or a short break away. It is such a heart-rending situation and you have coped with great courage and sensitivity to a terrible set of circumstances. I also wonder whether, were you ever able to get away, respite for your Mum might not be the first gentle step to a greater level of care that ultimately, she will need. Does your father have any younger siblings with whom he's still in touch? I wonder if they were able to visit whether that would make him feel less alone, and therefore less dependent emotionally on your Mum? I am so glad about the little bear bringing her comfort.

 

[Spamar]

Just wanted to say that a friend of mine, whose husband has recently gone into care, misses him and wants him home. He is a bully and she misses that! They married young nearly 60 years ago, and she misses the bullying!

 

[KMH]

Now banned from my parents' house - it's breaking my heart

Hi there

Wish I had some good news! The mental health team are following up with mum (though she says she doesn't yet have a diagnosis, but she does have a follow up appointment in July) but not dad. They have discharged him so I am left with no alternative but to believe he does not have dementia, he is just an abusive bully.

Several times recently he has told me to leave the house and not come back, last week he managed to get my mum to go along with this (she has called me since and said it was because she was scared). On this occasion I was assaulted and thrown out of the door. The trigger was a social services review meeting where it had been suggested that maybe a carer could do the shopping rather than me, as a number of times over the past three years I have come back with their shopping not sure whether I will be allowed through the door, and this is escalating.

Up till last week I was doing their shopping, medications, bedclothes, transport, escort to appointments, liaising with services, visiting 4x per week and more when mum ws in hospital as well as calling daily, this had been increasing to that point over about a three year period. I have been called (by dad), a *****, a miserable cow, self centred, stupid woman, just do everything to suit myself etc etc. This isn't just said but screamed into my face as close as he can get and as loudly as he can.

Now? Mum has called me most days and is clear she didn't mean what she said and wants to keep contact. I haven't spoken to dad, for most of the previous week he had been refusing to speak to me anyway. I have not called them or visited. I don't feel I can.

I feel torn and heart broken. How can people do this to one another? I am still in contact with their social worker and community matron. This may sound utterly selfish to you but one of the things which is upsetting me most is that people may think I have abandoned them (and dad might tell them so).

Anybody been here? My husband is saying 'just enjoy the rest' but I am thinking of them constantly and finding it hard to cope.

 

[marsaday]

Of course you can't 'just enjoy the rest'. You are worried about your vulnerable Mum being at the mercy of your Dad. I know exactly how that feels.

I had a fall out with my parents just before we got a diagnosis for Mum. Their situation was dire (described this earlier on your thread but in more detail in my first posts after joining TP.) I felt that I had to withdraw from the situation for a while and let them see that I couldn't just take on everything for them. Shortly after, Mum got a definite diagnosis and I realised that she was unable to reason things out so there was no point in me trying to make a point. But it took that diagnosis for me to understand this.

You are in the awkward position in that you have been thrown out of the house. And without a diagnosis for either parent you don't know whether your Dad is just being unreasonable or not. (he could well have it too if his behaviour is getting worse). And the more you do the less SS will realise how serious the situation is. All I can say is eventually something will happen which SS will have to sit up and take notice of. In our case we were on holiday when neighbours called the police, which was just what it took to get Mum an emergency placement in a care home. It was a blessing in disguise as there was never going to be a good outcome from them living together. Sorry you are going through this right now. It was a living hell for me and I wondered at times was my life worth living never mind theirs.

Maybe for your sanity's sake this is a good thing. Have you let SS know what has happened and, well -they already should know she is a vulnerable adult. See what they advise you to do.

 

[Austinsmum]

This is such a sad and sorry tale - truly dreadful for all of you. But as a third party 'stalker' I would like to make a couple of observations which you may not like. It would seem to me that you are too accepting of your dad's bullying, control freak rages when directed at you - would you tolerate that from a stranger? History is repeating itself and it doesn't have to.
You say your mum has a sister (In Cornwall I think?) and she wanted to be brought up to speed but you felt like this was a betrayal? I think this feeling of being disloyal is caused by your dad exerting his control beyond the boundaries of their house. Sorry if my thoughts cause offence but they are intended as food for thought. There are no easy answers here.
You have my heartfelt sympathy - I was a punchbag once, and know how hard it is to extricate oneself from an abusive relationship.

 

[KMH]

Hi Austinsmum

Thank you for your questions, they are helpful but I am just wondering whether you have some ideas I haven't thought of.

"It would seem to me that you are too accepting of your dad's bullying, control freak rages when directed at you - would you tolerate that from a stranger?"

I wonder what not 'accepting' or 'tolerating' dad's rages would look like? I haven't been back there or called for a week. I am not sure what else I could do, I don't think being arrested would change him. He's been arrested before (thirty plus years ago, for drink driving - never got the full story but he came home with his jacket torn and said the girl he was having an affair with at the time had done it) and it didn't seem to worry him too much. He just got a colleague to drive him to work for a year. He's a survivor.

Do you have some other ideas?

Kind regards

K

 

[KMH]

Thanks so much Marsaday. It has meant a lot throughout this to know that others have been through this too and come out the other side.

I have let SS know what has happened, her social worker is still involved. I guess they will wait to see what happens if I'm taken out of the equation. But they do regard dad as her 'carer', and of course she is now 'officially' the one with the memory problems, not him.

Just taking some time to think things through.

Kx

 

[Austinsmum]

Sorry for not replying sooner KMH, only just got back to this thread. I think you need to share the load, starting with the sister in Cornwall. You can't shoulder this burden alone. And if the sister can start putting pressure on the Social Services to step up to the plate too, then you wouldn't feel so powerless to change things.

 

[BR_ANA]

However he is up to his old tricks, I am getting phone calls from the neighbours because they can hear him shouting at her and threatening her through the walls. His favourite technique is to push his face as close to your face (and ear) as he can get and then shout as loudly as he can, 'self centred *****' and 'nasty piece of work' are favourites for me.

Can neibours call police or emergency SS? Can them get record the audio of what a carer is shouting for someone with memory problems?

Editing:

About not accept bully, going out may be what he want from you. A different person would react on another way. I learn from my psciatrist (dont know how to spell doctor for mind) that a diferent reaction make agressive people lost. It is hard but when I learned that I was able to avoid people conducting my feelings if I didn't want.

 

[KMH]

Update - Dad arrested, now living in bail hostel

Hello there

I have been posting on and off on this Forum for about two years about my father's rage episodes, which were initially linked by his GP to small vessel disease and 'something like early Alzheimers', and the impact on my mum, who is now being treated by the Memory Clinic with an Addenbrookes score of 76 but no diagnosis yet. Please forgive me for not retelling the whole story, it takes so long and upsets me, but on this Forum I do find about the only wisdom I have encountered in a pretty difficult situation. Last time I posted, I had been assaulted, threatened and banned from my parents' home by my dad. This was partly because I had followed advice and got video and audio recordings of his rages, and he realised I was filming him.

During the six week period I was not visiting, mum pushed her pendant alarm twice. Both times she was asked whether she wanted police, she said no, I was then called and requested police attend. The first time dad was cautioned, the second time he was arrested (her hand had been cut, she has said to me it was defending her face from a punch). He was charged with battery, not allowed home and bailed to live in a hostel until his trial in July. He pleaded not guilty, arguing that mum's skin is very fragile due to steroid treatment.

Mum is relieved to be without the abuse, quite confused and a bit lonely. She doesn't want him back. I am getting over several times a week, she has carers four times a day and yes, her sister actually did visit from Cornwall. Dad meanwhile has been calling several times a day to ask whether she is okay, being looked after properly and ask me to 'tell her I'm thinking of her'. His bail conditions forbid him to contact her directly or indirectly, which he is aware of. I am devastated by the whole situation and just about functioning.

My question now is this. Mum has a joint bank account which pays for her care package. The Independent Domestic Violence Adviser has advised mum that she should open a separate bank account and pay her pensions in to that. The IDVA has also advised mum to get a solicitor and seek a court order to stop dad from coming back. They jointly own their house and have lived there since 1961. I was invited in to the last five minutes of the meeting to be given this information, the implication being I should action it although the IVDA was evasive when I asked what my responsibility was.

Is this good advice?? I have no way of knowing but it seems very provocative. If mum stops paying into her bank account that leaves dad paying over £200 a week for her care by himself, although there are funds in the account which are hers as much as his. Mum does not want to go to a care home. I asked the IVDA whether anybody had expertise in these kinds of domestic violence cases involving older couples and mental health. Mum is not able to do either of these things by herself and does not want to. The IVDA suggested I go to the Citizens Advice Bureau. I am exhausted and don't have any spare time at all.

Any ideas? As I said, this is really the only place where I have found real help the whole way through this awful saga.

 

[jawuk]

Hi KMH, my feeling is that you should consider making the same sort of financial arrangements you would for any other couple who have separated. Open a separate account for your mother only and have her personal income, and 50% of joint savings put into that. Make a standing order for any joint debts or payments she and your father are jointly responsible for to go into the 'old' joint account to meet those debts/payments. Cancel any joint debit or credit cards and open new ones for your mother alone. Look to ownership of their property and, above all, get advice from a solicitor about how best to protect her interests.

Best of luck.

 

[KMH]

Thanks jawuk. The thing is they haven't really separated - dad just can't go home until his trial in July due to bail conditions. Also any other couple who had separated would have agreed at some level to separate and not need me to do it for them. I do not have PoA for either of them. I don't have spare cash for solicitors, this is not an excuse, I really don't. Mum does but all her money is in joint accounts. My concern is that if she makes the first aggressive move, dad will start trying to close down her access to money. Plus she does not feel ready to separate, or to discuss things - to be fair to her she really is quite ill and frail and getting through the day is a challenge in itself. I think the IDVA thinks they are like any other couple forty years younger but it really seems much more complicated to me. Ethical and personal minefield.

 

[Nebiroth]

For a joint account, the mandate used to open it can be cancelled at any time by any of the account holders, without the permission of the others unless the mandate specifies otherwise.

However, upon a mandate cancellation, the bank would freeze the account until the joint holders reached agreement about how the money in the account is to be divided. If they cannot agree, then the matter would be referred to the courts. In essence the acocunt is closed but unlike one with a sole holder where the bank simply pays the money out, it remains frozen until agreement can be reached on whom is to be paid what - or the courts make a decision on this.

Under English law, joint accounts held by married couples or civil partners are automatically regarded as being divided 50-50 no matter who originally put what money into the account. It is slightly different in Scotland.

So basically, if your dad tried to close the accounts from you rmum, he'd close them from himself as well. I think the more concerning aspect is the current situation, since there is actually nothing to stop either of the joint account holders from taking the entire amount and putting it into an account in their own name. This is because joint account holders are regarded as having complete ownership of the entire account regardless of who put what money in them in the first place and joint account holders do not need each other's explicit permission for withdrawing money.

As to paying the care fees, then as far as I'm aware, your dad can't be obliged to pay them - at the moment he is doing so voluntarily. If that stopped, then there'd be the usual financial assessment, and your mothers income and assets would eithe rbe enough (so she would pay) or not (in which case the state would).

Under a financial assessment joint savings accounts are always assigned 50-50 as assets for married couples.

 

[KMH]

Thanks Nebiroth. Forewarned is fore armed I suppose but mum needs her care and if the bank account is frozen I am not sure she will get it. I do not have the power to do any of this as I do not have PoA. At the moment, the more I read, the more terrified I get. Has anybody been in this position?

 

[uktoday]

Sorry to hear this

Hi

Sorry to hear your story. We were in a very similar situation with dad. He was incredibly my abusive and we tried to manage it for years.

Eventually people on this forum insisted to get social services involved and it was the best thing we did.

We managed to change his medication and he is a lot lot calmer. Additionally mum knows that there is someone else there to help (though she has since cancelled all further appointments as she insists she can cope!!! RAGE!!).

Do get social services involved.. they are helpful .