Dad is making mum's life hell - desperate

[KMH]

Hello there

I am sorry this post is so long. I am feeling desperate about my mum (78) and dad (80)'s situation, I would be so grateful for some helpful advice as I am so worried and emotionally exhausted. Just for some background, my parents are in their own home and I am their only family. I live 50 miles away but because I went self employed 6 years ago (partly so I could offer them more help) I can get over at least 1 full day a week and often up to 3. I take them out for lunch, to their (many) hospital appointments, do the weekly shop and some of the washing, make sure medications are sorted. I also call 30 mins daily.

My dad was diagnosed with 'small vessel disease' 3 years ago after a series of small strokes. However nobody ever really explained what that meant, when the GP told him he had 'something like early Alzheimers' and he shouldn't drive, he changed GP. The GP offered no help or support though and the new GP has not raised the subject. My mum seems terrified of any dementia diagnosis and believes that all mental health services could do is 'section' him which she seems to find unbearable to contemplate. The consultant in the stroke unit discharged him after telling me 'what a nice pair of parents I have'.

That is far from the case though. Dad's cognition and memory still seems basically okay-ish three years on (some deterioration but v slow), and his physical co ordination and strength actually seem improved, making me wonder whether this is dementia at all. However his behaviour is extremely bullying and abusive on a daily basis, mainly targeted at my mum, sometimes strangers and occasionally me. So far as I am aware he has not carried out any physical violence (though he frequently threatens it, including murder) but he gets in my mum's face, leans over her and shouts at the top of his voice. He also calls her abusive names eg 'stupid old woman', riducules her and accuses her of inventing her own illness and pain in order to make him 'run around' after her. He also regularly orders her to 'get out' and threatens to put the house on the market (which he says 'I can do, I've checked'). He regards (in fact has always regarded) their jointly owned house, car and savings as belonging exclusively to him, even though mum worked for thirty years as a teacher. He has always had a foul temper and bullying streak, but these explosions were infrequent at one time, since his strokes they have been daily. He is also still charming when he wants to be, hence the 'nice pair of parents' comment. He tries to control every aspect of her life, for example questioning her use of the phone. For many years she has asked me not to call when he is not there, 'in case he finds out'.

The tragedy is, three years ago my mum was relatively fit and well (and waiting on dad hand and foot), but this year she has rapidly become disabled and is in tremendous pain at the moment. Earlier in the year she was diagnosed with a condition called PMR GCA (polymyalgia rheumatica and giant cell arteritis) which causes inflammation of the major arteries. She is unable to move without severe pain and in March she lost an eye. The phone conversation still haunts me where she said she was seeing double. I told her that should mean urgent treatment at A&E and she replied 'oh no - that's stopped happening now - Dad's getting cross'. Since losing the eye she is also getting very muddled about numbers and time, making me wonder whether she may also have had a small stroke? (the eye loss was described as 'ischaemic' in the letter to the GP).

So Dad has become her main 'carer'. Physically he is coping pretty much okay but emotionally he is severely abusive to her on a daily basis. She has asked him whether he wants help from social services, but he doesn't. He wants her to get better, cook his dinner and come out with him again, and seems to believe he can bully her into it. He will not listen to me at all. On one occasion I ventured that I thought perhaps he had become a bit short tempered since he had his strokes, no more than that. He ordered me out of the house (I didn't go), told me he did not need my 'slimy accusations' and told me 'I've turned on you girl' (I am 50). However all was forgotten by the end of his hospital appointment later in the day.

Thank you for reading this complex tale. I am at the end of my tether, worried sick, not sleeping well, don't know where to go next. I feel awful whenever I leave my parents' house. My husband is level headed but quite hands off, he just reminds me not to lose my business over it and that I need my own life. They will not move closer to me, my husband would not move closer to them, plus we couldn't afford it (they are in London), we live in a rented one bed house. If we moved to a bigger house and mum or dad came to us that would still leave the issue of care for the other one. I have raised the issue of living separately with mum (impossible with dad) and she just howls and says 'you want me to go in a home'. My dad is now also starting to object to me helping them and mum tells me I have to ask his permission to come over, she can't agree it.

If I thought the GP surgery would or could do anything useful, I would tell them although I do not know what it would do to the family. Ditto social services. However I have a strong suspicion that they would either wash their hands or try to put one or the other of them into residential care, which mum is adamant she doesn't want (and I suspect dad would try to make sure it was mum). I cannot imagine him accepting that for a moment although I don't dare even hint at it. You may be saying 'this isn't really about dementia' - (I don't agree) - but even if you are - what would any of YOU do in my shoes? Please. Please.

 

[marsaday]

Hi KMH
How terrible for you.

From experience I would say that there is no other way to help other than involving SS.

My situation was similar in ways-Mum dementia/Dad a bully and alcoholic but no dementia. Mum was afraid of him and constantly telling me he had hit her or threatened her or locked her out. Yet when he was confronted he denied it all and it made things worse for her.

My Mum was already classed as a vulnerable adult due to several earlier incidents that neighbours had reported so she was already known to SS. I suppose that made it easier for me to report any further incidents. I really felt I had no alternative as -like you- they relied on me a lot and I began to suffer from the stress of trying to sort out all their problems which seemed insurmountable at the time.

Eventually though Mum had to be removed from the house to emergency respite and it was an awful time when I blamed myself for telling tales to SS but really there was no alternative. She is now in permanent care (one year on). I would never have imagined that I could get her into care as she was very resistant and denied a lot of her problems. But looking back it was the best move. Things were only going to get worse at home and now she is well looked after and very much deteriorated.

Often these situations result in an earlier move into care. It sounds like both your Mum and Dad need help. I would start with a long letter or phone call to the GP who should be able to start the ball rolling with SS. I know this is not what you want to hear but you do sound at the end of your tether and I think you know in your heart something has to change. What seems unthinkable now will become a reality and you will not regret it. There's only so much you can do from 50 miles away too. I was only 5 mins from my Mum and Dad.

Good luck
m

 

[Eternity]

Dear KMH,

What a difficult situation.

I'm really sorry that professionals haven't been proactive. I don't know if GP, SS are the right people to help the situation, but it sounds like you need speak to them given your concerns for your mum, they may have some suggestions.

It must be so hard as you are only family. Do you have any close family friends that you could talk this through with and who your dad may react differently to?

Do your parents get a break from each other day to day? Found my mum was less nasty with my dad when they weren't together 24 hrs a day every day.

I hope you find some answers, really feel for you

 

[Grannie G]

Hello KMH

I`m sorry but I have to agree with Marsaday. There is no good solution to this.

Your parents cannot possibly continue as they are. Life for both of them is thoroughly miserable.

Whatever is done to improve the situation will be very painful, very upsetting and a nightmare . And it`s only you really who can get the ball rolling.

It`s a big ask and I hope you will be able to manage it.

 

[Butter]

Your husband sounds like the voice of all wisdom and sense to me. I would rely on that if I were you: don't move. Keep your own life. And your business.

My parents were similar - in the end the emergency services took over. It is a kind of awful folie a deux .... a mortal combat.

I would offer to have your mother to stay. If only to have her refuse - at least you have offered.

And I would keep a log: things said, when they were said, events. This is then evidence for the doctors, helping them care for your parents, and should help you keep your head round the chronology.

Any threat of violence you can call the emergency services. They are trained and experienced in dealing with dementia/domestic violence. And they have to report the situation to social services then. Often that is the best way to get the GP involved too.

I am very sorry. These things are horrible. But much more common place than you might think. Good luck and start sleeping.

 

[KMH]

Thank you

Thank you for all of your replies, they are very helpful. It is just amazing to be able to share this with people who understand.

One thing I forgot to mention is that PMR GCA is a relapsing/ remitting condition and mum is relapsing at the moment but hopefully will get some remission with an increased dose of steroids. I think everybody is holding on to see whether than happens.

Marsaday, I am pleased to hear that you (and Butter) are no longer in this place, because it is horrible. It gives me some hope that despite the guilt you now believe you did the right thing. I wonder whether you think it would make a difference to the SS response if the 'victim' of the abuse is not the one with dementia, but is the one with the seeming higher levels of care needs? (Mum cannot leave the house or prepare meals at the moment due to pain/ weakness). It just seems so unfair if she has to be the one to lose her home.

Eternity, I do think you are right about family/ friends support. There isn't much but I could draw more on what there is. Mum has one sister in Cornwall, they are not close and she has her own problems, but she has expressed some concern recently. Their friends are aware to different degrees of the problems with Dad's behaviour and I am not sure how they would react - I suspect not want to get involved but may have a view. Going to them feels like a betrayal though somehow.

Grannie G - not the easiest message but I suspect the voice of wisdom. I am afraid of spending the rest of their lives as the one who 'ruined everything' in their eyes, but maybe it has to be that way and maybe it wouldn't be so bad as what is happening now.

Butter - thank you for those lovely words, I did need to hear that and will hang on to it. My husband also wants me to write things down. I don't think Mum could stay with us in this house, or I would have already offered, it is a very small one bed house with stairs, but maybe it is worth putting more effort in - we have already looked at a couple of places but cost/ upheaval put us off as there is still the question - if she is with us, who is looking after dad? I have told dad already that I will contact police if he touches her, I think it has had some effect as he has stopped raising his fist to her but still barges her (and me) by 'accident' or slams the door into her chair. But how well do emergency services actually deal with these situations? Especially if it is a threat (eg 'If murder was F**** legal I would have done it years ago')? Wouldn't doing that and getting it wrong be worse than nothing at all? I am pretty sure they would both be very annoyed with me if I did that, making it harder to help them.

Many many thanks

Kx

 

[AlsoConfused]

Can only express sympathy, KMH. Dilemmas like yours come up in so many different ways and so often there don't seem to be ANY pain-free, guilt-free solutions.

 

[Noorza]

It is to do with dementia, there is a section on here about how small vessel damage in the brain is likely to lead to dementia. Mum was diagnosed with small vessel damage, and now both senile and vascular dementia. It sounds is if your father has become a cariature or an exaggeration of his former self.

We are all struggling because we can see what is best for our loved ones, this horrible illness stops them from also seeing it. No easy answers I am afraid.

 

[marsaday]

Hi KHM,
You wonder if the response would be different if the victim is the one not suffering from dementia. It is actually common that it is the carer of the sufferer who is at risk from aggression etc. They say that dementia exacerbates the worst of the character traits and that seems to be true in your Dad's case. It would still result in probably your Dad being removed to a place of care-often when there is a threat of violence a section is used. That would then still leave your Mum needing care. Would she be able to manage at home with a package of carers calling several times a day?
M

 

[KMH]

Hi Marsaday

Hi KHM,
You wonder if the response would be different if the victim is the one not suffering from dementia. It is actually common that it is the carer of the sufferer who is at risk from aggression etc. They say that dementia exacerbates the worst of the character traits and that seems to be true in your Dad's case. It would still result in probably your Dad being removed to a place of care-often when there is a threat of violence a section is used. That would then still leave your Mum needing care. Would she be able to manage at home with a package of carers calling several times a day?
M[/QUOT

Yes, she would and that would be one way through although she would be heartbroken based on what she is saying at the moment. I suppose I have a concern that he might well fight and possibly win - he is physically stronger and not so depressed - I just don't know enough to be confident that the outcome would not be worse.

However all of your suggestions have given me more confidence that somehow there might be a way through this nightmare. Thank you so much.

Kx

 

[KMH]

Outnumbered

I posted in August 2013 for ideas because my dad (diagnosed with small vessel disease 2011) was so aggressive and abusive to my mum, his main carer, who was getting sick herself - see thread below. I have no siblings and live 50 miles away on the other side of the M25 (they are in London).

Advice was to call social services, we were in the process but then mum fell and was in hospital for three months. During this time my dad became a very persistent and attentive carer, insisting on daily visits (which I was expected to make 100 mile round trip to enable) and treating mum very differently to how he had before he was admitted. Meanwhile I became the main target for his rage rather than mum, regularly told to leave the house and not come back, threatened with violence etc.

A Safeguarding investigation was triggered which upheld the allegation of abuse by my dad, my mum talked a lot about things which were happening years ago and not much now, but still she was offered the option of a care home as an alternative. I attended the case conferences. which were horrible, and some things came out I didn't know, for example an attempted strangulation 2 years ago due to a 'mix up about money'. She was very upset at the mention of a care home and said 'why should I lose my home because of something he's done' as well as 'what's going to happen to dad if I do that?' He said he missed her and was lonely without her.

She was discharged in December to care provided by my dad, carers come in 4x per day and I am over 3x a week. Dad prepares all the meals and (in theory) does the washing, he also manages meds. It is a REVELATION he is capable of this as up till last summer my mum did everything, and he is very defensive about his abilities. He has also bought a stair lift and wheelchair and pushes her about (into the furniture etc).

However he is up to his old tricks, I am getting phone calls from the neighbours because they can hear him shouting at her and threatening her through the walls. His favourite technique is to push his face as close to your face (and ear) as he can get and then shout as loudly as he can, 'self centred *****' and 'nasty piece of work' are favourites for me. He does seem to cope better with support. However he has put in a formal complaint about the carers so I don't know how much longer the package will last.

What's the punchline? Mum's awareness of things like days and time has deteriorated rapidly over the past 6 months, and she is finding decisions difficult or impossible. Both of them were assessed by the Memory Clinic a couple of weeks ago, she has been recalled, he has not. I think her assessment is still going on, so no diagnosis for either of them as yet but presume they think he is okay. So what about the psychotic rage episodes? I am in touch with the Community Matron about this who said she will suggest the Memory Clinic talk to me.

Just don't know how much worse this can get but rather suspect some of you will say it can get a LOT worse. I am trying to manage my own business and teach for the OU while spending 3 days a week with them and close to the end of my rope.

Once again thank you for reading this long one. Anybody got any suggestions (apart from leaving the country)

 

[Owly]

This is one of the ghastliest stories I've read on this forum.

Whether it's caused by dementia or is simply an exacerbation of his regular personality, your Dad's behaviour towards your Mum is psychopathic. I'm sorry if you find that to be a very strong word, but if you read about people like that, all the signs are there. The possessive and controlling behaviour, the charming attentiveness when other people are around, using your Mum as an emotional punch-bag for his toxic emotions. And your Mum is being submissive and allowing this to happen. It's almost as if it's more important for her to stay in her own home, than to be rescued from the pain that he's inflicting upon her. It's a sado-masochistic relationship.

If this was my parents, I would be finding a way, any way, to separate the 2. Permanently, frankly.

I would be looking at sheltered housing/residential/care homes close to me for my Mum to move to. And after she was safeguarded like that, then I'd consider what to do about my Dad's needs.

I don't know how you could manage the logistics or the finances. It depends if Mum and Dad have savings, or you would be relying on Social Services funding.

And then you'd have to work out how to get Mum away from Dad temporarily, and then into a permanent new place without going back to him. When she's with him, the toxic psychic ties that he has into her will stop her agreeing with anything you suggest.

 

[KMH]

Owly - thanks. I know, it's horrible isn't it. I agree about the behaviour but she is adamant she wants to be with him. To change that would mean going into battle with both of them and I suspect I would lose. I have now moved to a 3 bed house so depending on the landlord she might be able to come to us, no stairlift though. If she asks me to help her find somewhere I will. She was separated from him for 3 months in hospital but wanted to go back.

I have just got off the phone to the Memory Clinic who assessed him 2 weeks ago and discharged him. They did not discharge her and she gets her results on Monday. However they had not been told about small vessel disease, rage episodes or the safeguarding process.

The nurse wondered whether I wanted to invite myself to the meeting to 'express my concerns'. I said no because I think both of them would be defensive and annoyed - did I make a mistake? He invited me to send an email, which I will do. I feel locked off.

 

[Owly]

It's good to hear that you're now in a bigger place with space for your mum if need be. It may only happen once she's really hit rock-bottom with your Dad and then she'll have the will to try and free herself.

I think attending the meeting would have made it difficult for you to state your concerns overtly. Sending an email would be better. If you could get written corroboration (or even better, a recording) about what the neighbours have heard through the wall, that would no doubt help.

If the decision to separate the 2 of them came from "the authorities", that would be much better for your relationship with them.

It's a truly horrible position to be in.

 

[marsaday]

I just had to respond to this:

Quote from Owly:
"The possessive and controlling behaviour, the charming attentiveness when other people are around, using your Mum as an emotional punch-bag for his toxic emotions. And your Mum is being submissive and allowing this to happen. It's almost as if it's more important for her to stay in her own home, than to be rescued from the pain that he's inflicting upon her."

I can't believe it-this is exactly what my Mum and Dad were like. This is exactly how she felt. It gives me the chills thinking back to those times. I still have a three year old recording of her on my answer phone, phoning me in a terrified state due to his verbal abuse (at that time he was no longer capable of physical abuse due to his own ill health)

One day I left my parents house and forgot something and had to come back. Dad thought I had gone and started his diatribe which I overheard. I confronted him and he denied it point blank-even though I had heard with my own ears. Though alcohol was a factor with him, he was abusive sober or drunk when he thought no-one was listening.

I agree separation is the only solution- in our case SS intervened due to police being called by neighbours.

I really understand what you are going through-it's hell.
Sorry
M

 

[Onlyme]

I can see why you don't want to go to the meeting but if you do you are on the inside of the system. By you being there it is recognised that your parents are accepting of you knowing what is going on. You will be sent details of reports etc. if you manage to sneak in a request for a copy to be sent to you and your parents don't say no, which they probably won't in front of the Dr.

 

[Ash148]

Dear KMH, there are so many resonances between your situation and mine, except that it has always been Mum who has bullied and manipulated Dad, mainly verbally until the dementia took hold, but there's now a physical element to it. I can't understand how Dad is still completely devoted to her, but he is, and has always sacrificed his own interests entirely to try to make her happy (and that's always been impossible). He has finally agreed that we can't care for her at home any longer and she is due to go into a nursing home on Saturday. She will blame him entirely for this and will probably be horrible to him when he visits (he already says he won't be able to visit without me or one of my siblings accompanying him).

I really truly think that the time has come for your parents to be separated and that this is in your Mum's best interests even if she doesn't think so.

 

[sistermillicent]

I think I would be driven to consider putting some kind of recording device in their house so that I had proof or certain knowledge of what was happening. Perhaps a bit drastic.
I have not been in this situation myself though mum attempted to kill dad but that was her dementia, I interfered even when I was told not to and in the end it was for the best. hell at the time though.
So I would suggest you steel yourself and go full steam ahead with protecting your mum and getting some treatment for your dad which might help him as he sounds like he could do with it. If that means going to the meeting then go to it. If it means being at their house and getting the police round then do it.
I think if you don't you will always look back and regret it. (that was my philosophy anyway and I have no regrets about being a persistent daughter)

 

[KMH]

Thank you. It means a lot.

I'm just feeling so tired. Dad has just been diagnosed with Scabies. Oh joy. Goodness knows where he picked that up. He now has infected legs, and he is diabetic. Presumably psychs are confident he can remember to do stuff like take 4 antibiotic pills daily for a week and apply antibiotic cream twice a day as they have discharged him. I think the GP is expecting me to make sure it happens. As if.

I am not going to the meeting but I think I will be able to find out what comes out of it. The SW is on board and willing to re open the Safeguarding if the psychs want to. If, as I suspect it is a diagnosis for Mum (does anybody know what a 'score of 72' means?) then once again it's a game changer as she may no longer be considered to have capacity. At the moment because she is an adult and has capacity the choice is hers, and she chooses the familiar over the unknown. If she no longer has capacity, changes may become more realistic but it's scary. I am hearing the 'voice of the majority' though, try to get her out of there.

On with the dance ....

 

[Owly]

Scabies is a bit contagious, isn't it? Just hope your mum doesn't get it too especially if they share a bed/bath.....??

I'm afraid I don't know about those scores but this will bump up the thread and maybe someone else will know.

I feel for you. It's a very hard situation to be in.