Dad has dementia, Mum is dying

[essjayuk]

Hello,

I am new to this forum and I am seeking peoples opinions on the title topic. My dad has very bad dementia, no short term memory at all and only recognises immediate family members. He lives in a nursng home but doesn't understand where he is or why he is there. Mum lives in the same home but on a different unit (she is partially paralysed and receiving substantial nursing care). They barely see each other ,once or twice a week, and dad has stopped asking after mum when we visit.

My problem is mum is now very ill and may die soon. I am undecided on how to deal with this for dad. Do I tell him, he will forget instantly, do I leave him be. Do I take him to the funeral which will make him miserable, dad has always been morbidly afraid of death and funerals have always depressed him. Do I just leave him in relatively blissfull ignorance, possibly risking the approbrium of other family members who do not understand.

Any views, opinions or thoughts would be much appreciated.

Thank You

 

[Onlyme]

Hi and welcome

I am sorry you have all of this stress and sorrow in your life. My heart goes out to you.

I would tell your Dad that your Mum has gone but only tell him the once. To keep tell him would be cruel as he will hear it again for the first time.

I wouldn't take him to her funeral if he is not good with them anyway but also that he wouldn't understand and it could lead to further distress for all.

My thoughts are with you at this heartbreaking time.

 

[turbo]

Hello essjayuk, Welcome to Talking Point, what a lot you have to deal with.
I agree that you should tell your dad once and then if he does ask after your mum again, I would say that she's not able to see him at the moment.
I hope that you have some family support even if others do not understand. Please keep posting.


Turbo

 

[Jancis]

Hello essjayuk,
My personal opinion is that there's no right or wrong way to deal with this when the time comes. I think you should do whatever your heart tells you. If you decide not to tell your dad, you can always say to the ones who are in the dark about the illness that he cannot face the funeral as he's so unwell. This is masking the truth but it would be for the very best intentions. On the other hand if you feel you should tell your dad, then only tell him once and see how he reacts before deciding whether you should then take him to the funeral. I think you may already know what is best for him and I really feel for you worrying about this moral dilemma.
I hope you find this forum helpful, do keep posting.
Best wishes, Jancis x

 

[essjayuk]

Thanks to all of you for your replies, they are very much along the lines of the way I was thinking. I believe that when the time comes I shall tell Dad once as you have all suggested, but I shall not be taking him to the funeral. I am sure that this will be the kinder solution in the long run.

I do not want to draw this thread to a close just yet and would be happy to hear any other comments that forum members may have.

Many thanks again to all those who have replied.

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello Essjay and welcome to Talking Point. I hope you find the Forum helpful.

I do feel for you in such a sad situation. I agree that to take your Dad to the funeral will be heartbreaking both for you and confusing for him. You know him best and if to tell him once that your Mum has died helps you to feel more comfortable then that is what you should do.

My husband is in late stage dementia and I do not tell him any bad news of close friends/family. Even now when he asks about his Mother who died some 25 years ago, I do not remind him.

It seems to me you should consider yourself in all this too, regardless of what others may think. You are going through a very traumatic time and my heart goes out to you.

Best wishes

 

[karenbow]

Hello,

I am new to this forum and I am seeking peoples opinions on the title topic. My dad has very bad dementia, no short term memory at all and only recognises immediate family members. He lives in a nursng home but doesn't understand where he is or why he is there. Mum lives in the same home but on a different unit (she is partially paralysed and receiving substantial nursing care). They barely see each other ,once or twice a week, and dad has stopped asking after mum when we visit.

My problem is mum is now very ill and may die soon. I am undecided on how to deal with this for dad. Do I tell him, he will forget instantly, do I leave him be. Do I take him to the funeral which will make him miserable, dad has always been morbidly afraid of death and funerals have always depressed him. Do I just leave him in relatively blissfull ignorance, possibly risking the approbrium of other family members who do not understand.

Any views, opinions or thoughts would be much appreciated.

Thank You

hi essjay my dad died 4wks ago, mum has alzheimers and came to live with us straight away but became very ill 4 days after dad died and is still in hosp- i had to take the difficult decision to go ahead with my dads funeral without her- it was really hard they,d been married 66yrs and i am the only child so these decisions were mine alone- mum was told about dads death the day he died and again when she was in hospital after she,d been asking for him- she hadn,t remembered that he had died- mum has not mentioned dad since, they loved each other so much , it is heartbreaking, but after speaking to a dr it was suggested it was kinder not to remind mum and although for me this has been tough i think it is the right decision- i can only tell on a daily basis how mums mind is that day - your situation is similar to mine and i know how difficult it is, but if you are the one making these difficult decisions then what you decide should be respected . i know this may not be much help but i hope you manage to find some peace in whatever you do ,im still trying and still think it is probably the right decision .

 

[Izzy]

@karenbow this is quite an old thread and the original poster has not visited the form since November 2011. I’m sure your kind words and advice would have been comforting for them.