Dad always wants to be somewhere else

[flossielime]

Dad always wants to be somewhere else
My dad's care home admission went far better than I could have ever imagined. He seemed to like it for the first couple of days. But is not happy now - refusing to eat, packing all his stuff in a bag to go. He is not carrying on as much as thought he would.

I cant believe I had not realised this before but it has just dawned on me - dad ALWAYS want to go somewhere else. So when he lived at home he always wanted to get out. When he comes to mine he always wants to go so as he arrives, we go for a meal and he always wants to eat really fast and get out.

This morning I took him out the home for breakfast - but he wanted to get home and stuffed the bacon butty down in ridiculous speed. I took him back the care home and was ok going back her was just glad to be moving on. I left him there for a bit and went back in the afternoon, brought him to my house after just a few minutes he wanted to go. I give him jobs to do to distract him but as soon as finished he wants to leave.

Has anyone else experienced this?

 

[Tin]

When mum was in her own home she was exactly like this. Still is now she lives with me, but a lot easier to deal with. Does not like to stay out too long, but when home she's always asking when are we going out, forgetting that we have probably been out all morning, so there are some days when we are in and out of the car just to pop to the shop for odd things. I don't do a big weekly shop now, so that at least we always have a reason to go out.

 

[Chemmy]

Oh yes, Christmas Day 2004. I remember it well....

I left my husband and (grownup) children at home and spent Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day with Mum as she couldn't have coped with family festivities. She was just the same - always wanting to go somewhere, but not the least interested in being there. So, as there was nothing open and no one to visit (couldn't impose on others' family Christmases ) I spent a large part of the day driving around the Northamptonshire countryside. Mum was perfectly content being driven, but not at all happy when we stopped!

It was a looooooong day.

She also spent the first six months in the CH wearing her winter coat and carrying a handbag as she walked the corridors.. She was at that stage where she would have been unsettled and restless wherever she was, but at least I knew she was safe and cared for, not roaming the streets.

It did pass.

 

[Tin]

Brought a smile to my face chemmy. I have lived in this area for almost 25 years and only in the last 10 months have I got to know All the roads really well, no sat nav or maps needed anymore!

 

[love.dad.but..]

Yes Dad was like that when he was still living in his home and it is lessening but it still looms over us during our care home visits. For Dad it is usually his childhood home. He hasn't mentioned his home of 30 years we took him from at all whilst in the home (5 mths).The Alz Soc support worker explained early on that possibly it isn't a material place they are constantly searching for just a place in their mind from their past where they felt safe and secure. We haven't been able to take Dad out and I feel guilty but from a very rocky start of not eating, wanting to go (secure unit) we decided it would for him be more cruel and I was really worried about not only getting him back in but also undoing all the hard work of settling the home staff had done but it is a deep regret and I wish I was braver to try! I visit every other day.

 

[flossielime]

Well dad is furious today. I put him a home, I am the worst daughter in the world, he feels like a prisoner.

He wants out the home. I took him out this morning - walked him miles and miles , as yesterday I realised just bringing him to mine was not enough- he needed to be kept moving.

I thought maybe a really good walk would settle him for the afternoon. But no - home has called me and he is trying to get out - he has told them to call me. He is threatening to call the police accuse them of kidnapping and false imprisonment (he has no access to a phone). The home wanted me to come and calm him down but my kids are in bed and husband is at work. Been trying to call them back to see if he has settled but the phone is just ringing out.

 

[Tin]

Have faith, you'll get an update soon. At least you know he is safe and not out wandering in the dark. Could be a form of sundowning the staff should be able to deal with this.

 

[flossielime]

Thanks Tin.

I have tried the home several times but it is just ringing out - so will leave it now for tonight. It is not as if I can do anything about it if he is unsettled.I know my husband will be annoyed if I get the kids out of bed to go around there and I also realise that getting the kids up is not the right thing to do.

It is I think sundowning - he is always worse in the evenings.

 

[Chemmy]

It might be worth sitting down, with your husband, and making a list of all the pros and cons of moving your dad into care. And I mean all of them - for your dad of course, but also for you, for your husband and for your children. That will highlight in black and white why you've come to this decision. Stick it up on the fridge as a reminder when you begin to waver.

A compromise will always be necessary in such situations, and it's important to remember that your needs and your family's needs are no less important than your dad's. And perhaps ask yourself what your dad would be advising you if he were well. I know my mum would never have wanted me to relegate my young children to second place behind her.

Stay strong.

 

[missmarple]

My dad is exactly like this! Obsessed with getting out of the house. A couple of years ago he started boarding trains and getting lost. Cue calls from. The transport police and having to drop everything to pick him up. He lives at home with my brother and has all day carers. This week they emailed me to say they found him outside at 8am without any trousers on. I don t know if they were being tactful and he had nothing on. He was in a hurry to go to the hairdressers at the end of the he street. They couldn't t get him back inside till he had walked to the hairdressers, who fortunately we're not open yet.
We tried to settle him in a home 1 year ago and he was so angry and agitated they told us they wound t be able to cope. I don t know how long this phase will last.it s been 2 years.

 

[love.dad.but..]

This dreaded illness is like a rollercoaster, just when you reach what you think is a reasonably settled period or that something seems to be working, for no apparent reason other than sometimes the unpredictability of their thought processes it's all thrown up in the air and you seem back to square one. It is still early days and whilst for us Dad didn't become aggressive in his desire to leave the home, it was a constant in his conversation and searching questions for quite some time and even now, like yesterday he mentions going - to work, his childhood home, to see his deceased many years brothers, his deceased many years mum - anywhere but where he currently is. He still walks a lot in the home but even that from continuously doing it in the first couple of months has lessened and instead of arriving each time to find him walking, he is sometimes sitting. I and the staff think he doesn't think of himself as like the other residents more that he works with the staff, similar to probably his memories of his office days and at times he thinks he is in a swanky hotel but if it works for him.... I tell lots of love lies - it's free when he says he has no money (if only he knew its £1300 a week!), when I leave I am putting the rubbish out, washing up - if I told him I was going home he would want to go with me. I always leave my coat in the car so it isn't a trigger for him knowing I am thinking of going and always keep my bag with me so at a opportune but kind moment I can slip out, it is horrible but we had to this are his home as well and it is kinder.But that said and it did take over 4 months to settle enough, he has a degree of acceptance of the situation and for us he is safe, well cared for and although mentally still declining reasonably physically able. I wish you good luck it isn't easy you will have lots of tears but it will get better. Dad's dementia nursing home had lots of strategies to help Dad to cope and distract so hopefully your Dad's home will offer the same reassurances to you. They should have the experience to find a way of helping your Dad through this stage although as I say my Dad didn't become aggressive which we were concerned could happen - fight or flight!

 

[flossielime]

Thanks everyone for your replies it is so reassuring to read them.
My dad is not aggressive just persistent in his desire to leave. They called me again this morning saying he was trying the fire exits and determined to leave. He refused to go to bed last night and was refusing all food and drink.

I was at a dance competition with my daughter so couldnt get there straight away. As soon as daughter had danced i went there. Dad was alsleep on his bed. He woke when we went in and promptly began telling us what a great place it is and how nice the staff are.

We took dad out for dinner. He said he was not hungry, and refused to order. I ordered him a meal anyway which he ate as if he had never seen food. BUT as soon as he had finished he was restless and wanted to wander around the pub. There was a really embarrassing incident when he went over and started talking to another table as they were eating.

He went back to the care home without argument. Despite being in turmoil all day about the phone call. After it I called husband and said i was bringing him home. But husband talked me down and said well go out for tea and see how it goes from there. Once I had seen him in the pub it reassured me he just wants to be somewhere else. I asked him several questions about the home and each time he replied that he liked it there and it's 'not a bad place'.

I wonder if there is any medication available to help with this sort of anxiety?

 

[elizabeth20]

My mum has had AD for several years it wasn't until a short time in hospital earlier this year and on her return home that she began to pack her bags or pack everything for that matter. She asks me every day to take her home. She wants to get out is desperate sometimes and is difficult to calm down. When I have time I offer to take her out but she won't go and then later in the day will say she is fed up of been imprisoned and no-one ever visits or takes her anywhere.

It is exhausting because you try to get inside their head and work it out and by the time you've done that they've moved on. It's so sad and frustrating for us so God knows what it must b like for them. I sometimes feel that mum is in absolute turmoil and would go to any length to escape back to her home (she has lived in her house for 50 years!) she takes an anti depressant alongside her memantine but I don't see any benefit really unless the dose can b increased. On reading an AS factseet recently it is very common for sufferers to repeatedly ask to go home wherever that is. It is distressing for everyone.

Good luck and please don't feel guilty your dad is safe and loved very much and you have and are doing your best x