Counselling

[sford91]

Has anybody ever had counselling since their loved ones have been diagnosed?. I keep changing my mind about it as I am not entirely sure what it will achieve as I already know what the future looks like and how mum is. I am not sure what I would benefit from it but then other days I get so angry in my head at the whole situation they I feel like I could talk to somebody just to rant at but again that does not achieve anything?!

Thanks

x

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @sford91

I haven't had counselling but have read here on TP how much it has helped some carers. The fact you are considering it makes me feel its worth giving it a try.

You have nothing to lose.

 

[Marnie63]

Yes, I did, but not for long! I tried twice via the GP and had two telephone assessments and all they did was send me info in emails. It was pretty useless, I guess I wasn't deemed to be 'bad' enough by the NHS! I then found a local counsellor on line. I saw her a few times, two or three, I think. I found it useful to 'dump' everything that had happened on someone who didn't know me, and also my feelings and concerns. This was at a time when I was struggling to accept what had happened to mum (the symptoms were very sudden and severe). I found it very helpful and by the second/third session I felt better and felt I WAS coping OK, when I'd though I wasn't. The counsellor actually told me that. I haven't seen her for ages, but it's good to know that she's there if I need her again, and she may also be able to help me through one day when mum has gone. It was £45 an hour, but well worth it.

It did feel strange going to see her as I'd never sought counselling before, I'd never needed anything like that before in my life, but with the crisis of mum's sudden change, I was looking for some support at the time, and it did help.

 

[elvismad]

I have sought counselling several times since mums diagnosis when I have felt particularly low and have always found it beneficial. Sometimes its easier to share when you are not directly involved with a person. I was able to offload and the relief was tangible.

 

[tss502]

Hi,

I've done a number of things. I had a 6-week CBT programme which I did find helpful because it gave me a toolkit for problem-solving around the practical issues of caring for someone with dementia. It encourages you to look at all sides of the problem and think about small changes which may help - especially helpful when I felt a bit 'stuck'. I'm now having counselling on a roughly monthly basis and have been doing so for about a year. I do find this helps to talk through stuff I wouldn't really want to share with family and friends, it helps me to offload but also to recognise that I'm not doing too badly. Both of these I have accessed through the NHS - via our Young Onset Dementia Service in Wales, but I'm very much aware that similar programmes may not be available elsewhere. As I am working, I've also made use of our employee assistance programme at work, which was initially helpful in providing a 6 week course of counselling when my OH was first diagnosed. Worth exploring every avenue you can I think, to see where you can get access to support.

 

[nae sporran]

I had counselling early last year and it definitely helped to get a few things off my chest and also to find acceptance of life as a carer. CBT over the last few weeks has also helped to give me some tools to deal with the bad days, like accepting the need to be flexible in planning and make the most of a 5 minute walk round the block to escape on days when my preferred 1 hour walk with pint of beer is not possible.

You can only try it and see how you feel. Good luck sford91.

 

[maryjoan]

Has anybody ever had counselling since their loved ones have been diagnosed?. I keep changing my mind about it as I am not entirely sure what it will achieve as I already know what the future looks like and how mum is. I am not sure what I would benefit from it but then other days I get so angry in my head at the whole situation they I feel like I could talk to somebody just to rant at but again that does not achieve anything?!

Thanks

x

I felt exactly as you do - I did not have counselling when my son died age 13, I did not have counselling when I was an abused wife, I did not have counselling when we found Mother in law dead in bed when she was on holiday with us............ so what good would counselling do now I am a 24/7 carer with no respite and very annoyed and upset at losing my career????

That's what I thought.

But I have been having weekly counselling for about 3 months now, and I seem to have been able to shed the anger and upset. I am going next week, but I think I am going to tell her I want it now to be finished....... I really feel as though I have turned a corner, and am more accepting of my situation.

 

[sford91]

Thankyou for all your replies. The thing is I accept myself as a carer, I accept mum's diagnosis and the prognosis I accept she's in a home. I accept everything I suppose and that's why i feel like counselling wouldn't help cause I don't really know what the problem may or may not be. I just sometimes feel really annoyed and frustrated when I'm by myself with the whole situation that I think I should talk to someone but then I snap out of it . It's more when I think about future and mum's not in it. Sorry if I'm rambling and all this doesn't make much sense to anyone! I really appreciate your replies !

 

[nae sporran]

Struggling to deal with the emotional impacts of thinking about a future without your mum makes a lot of sense, sford. It is hard to handle and I think that is what they call anticipatory grief. My CBT therapist talked about catastrophising and I had to say the worst will happen, my OH will get worse and I'm not sure whether to finish that thought. I think counselling and CBT have helped me face that to a degree by pointing to mindfulness, focusing on day to day routines and other ways to avoid being overwhelmed by it. Not sure how to explain it without looking cliched or shallow, or if any of it may help you. You are certainly not alone in trying to find ways to cope with it all.

 

[sford91]

Struggling to deal with the emotional impacts of thinking about a future without your mum makes a lot of sense, sford. It is hard to handle and I think that is what they call anticipatory grief. My CBT therapist talked about catastrophising and I had to say the worst will happen, my OH will get worse and I'm not sure whether to finish that thought. I think counselling and CBT have helped me face that to a degree by pointing to mindfulness, focusing on day to day routines and other ways to avoid being overwhelmed by it. Not sure how to explain it without looking cliched or shallow, or if any of it may help you. You are certainly not alone in trying to find ways to cope with it all.

Thankyou for your reply I suppose my difficulty as well is I work as a mental health professional and I fail to see how CBT/ Mindfullness will help as I know not to be come overwhelmed and focus on the here and now and distractions etc. Thankyou for you reply I will continue to think about it.
xx

 

[Marnie63]

Thankyou for all your replies. The thing is I accept myself as a carer, I accept mum's diagnosis and the prognosis I accept she's in a home. I accept everything I suppose and that's why i feel like counselling wouldn't help cause I don't really know what the problem may or may not be. I just sometimes feel really annoyed and frustrated when I'm by myself with the whole situation that I think I should talk to someone but then I snap out of it . It's more when I think about future and mum's not in it. Sorry if I'm rambling and all this doesn't make much sense to anyone! I really appreciate your replies !

I found it most bizarre to go and see a counsellor, as nothing in life had fazed me before and I consider myself to be a pretty sensible and rounded individual, who can cope with a lot. But being sensible and organised is no match for the challenges presented by dementia! In my case the first visit was the best as I just talked at the lady and gave her a potted history of mum's life, and mine too. That in itself somehow helped, just to talk. And then I told her how I was struggling to cope with mum having his disease and my worries about not being able to look after her because the enormity of it all. The information dump helped and then talking about it further helped. There's not a lot of support out there for us carers of PWDs so any help I can find, I will take, even if there's just a tiny chance it will help me through this.

Dementia is vile and one of the hardest things I've ever faced. I know "annoyed and frustrated" very well! If you can find a good counsellor it may help you in some way, even if you only go now and again, or even once. Mine just tells me to see her when I need to. No pressure.

 

[AliceA]

I have had counselling training, in all my work I have had to be a listening ear so decided to look into it deeper.
Part of training is to have counselling, good counselling is to enable the other.
I am sometimes, perhaps wrongly, suspicious of those who keep people on their books for years.
CBT is helpful. Personal practise of mindfulness, yoga and Tao Chi tone us up.
Transpersonal Psychology in the eighties was quite life enhancing.
When thrown in to being a Carer often there is little time to suddenly do these things. So try to choose a method that helps you grow strength rather than just offload.
You can off load on here up to a point. Some churches have a counselling service. I can see the point of confession! Once I spent a year face to face with an ordained monk, I ended up doing the counselling, choose wisely. There is something to be said for anonymity.

I feel things that help me is accepting the situation as it is now, not how it was or even how it might get.
Some stories on here are quite scary but when we go through such things in actual fact we pull out resources we did not realise we had!
I use the word challenge rather than problem. It puts me in more control of a situation that is beyond my ultimate control.
I am struggling at the moment I was up most of the night, the builder is due so no real respite.
But reaching out on here is very therapeutic, there is always someone worse off.
Ditch the guilt! We could all do better but we could have done much worse.
Bad things happen to good people.
We are human.
We need help, as a 'helper' in life I find that a real challenge.
No one knows better than you even if they may know more, they are not in the complexities of your situation.
Breathe long and deep.
Tackle things in small bites.
Now builder is here so Anon

 

[sford91]

Thankyou very much for your replies, I currently feel like i dont need it but it crosses my mind every now and then all your replies have been very helpful and I will look into some of the suggestions. I am going back to he gym this week and were selling the house so lots of postive distractions going on. Its mums 60th at the end of the month and were gunnna have a little party at the home for her which should be nice

 

[SKD]

Bit late to the discussion - I am fortunate to have access to counselling through work. In the past seven years I have accessed this at three periods - once when experiencing bullying from a boss, when my mother was initially diagnosed with dementia and recently when dealing with Mum's move into care and a family bereavement. I have found it helpful in giving me somewhere to off load without constantly turning to OH and friends who get it all the time and also in helping me find new perspectives and hence ways of coping with the situation. In both cases the counselling was for a defined number of sessions with the aim of helping you move one although there was also the option to add more sessions if necessary. My sessions are face to face but I have heard of telephone and skype sessions but can't quite imagine them.

 

[AliceA]

Bit late to the discussion - I am fortunate to have access to counselling through work. In the past seven years I have accessed this at three periods - once when experiencing bullying from a boss, when my mother was initially diagnosed with dementia and recently when dealing with Mum's move into care and a family bereavement. I have found it helpful in giving me somewhere to off load without constantly turning to OH and friends who get it all the time and also in helping me find new perspectives and hence ways of coping with the situation. In both cases the counselling was for a defined number of sessions with the aim of helping you move one although there was also the option to add more sessions if necessary. My sessions are face to face but I have heard of telephone and skype sessions but can't quite imagine them.

Pleased to hear that. I think when we use a situation to move through, learn more about ourself, our strengths and weaknesses we turn a negative into a more positive one. It does not lessen the pain but helps us to identify how to deal with it.