Coping with tears

[Cathbach]

I visited my mum (90) today in the carehome. She hates it there. She was very tearful and upset, saying she wants to die, she wants to go home, what’s the point in her being here. She refused to go to lunch, said she wasn’t hungry, doesn’t want to eat. She wants everyone to leave her alone.
I left, as me being there wasn’t helping.
She couldn’t be looked after at home because it wasn’t safe, she refused to have anyone in to help, and my 91 year old dad couldn’t cope.
On top of this, the family home is sold so that dad can move onto the same site as the carehome in an independent flat to be near mum. It’s a huge change for him, and he doesn’t want to do it so is very anxious and upset.
Not possible for him to stay at home because so much needs doing to the house, big garden, and it’s 200 miles away from mum (near me).
My brother who currently lives near the family home but will be moving away in the near future and also works f/t is also very upset about it all.

So I’ve got two deeply depressed parents, neither of whom want to be alive any more, and a depressed brother. I’m also on antidepressants and had to take time of work last year because I couldn’t cope with all this and work.
I gave up work before Xmas to try to support them both here, and I’m on my own.
My brother and I have done everything: dealing with GPs, nurses, consultants, hospitals, finding care homes, organising transport, selling the house, getting rid of furniture, packing, buying the new flat, organising removals, sorting out services etc because dad wasn’t able to do it.
Both my brother and I are now questioning whether we’ve done the right thing, but honestly can’t think of a workable alternative.
How do other people cope with this situation?

 

[Kevinl]

It is what it is , but they could post it would be thank you so I'll do it on their behalf, thank you, k

 

[canary]

Hello @Cathbach

That sounds very distressing for everyone.
You dont say how long your mum has been in the care home. It can take a good couple of months for them to settle and if this is early days, Im sorry to say that it is pretty par for the course. Have you spoken to the manager about how they are dealing with the situation? If this is a care home that is experienced with caring for people with dementia then they should have seen it all before and know how to cope and how to cajole your mum along. A course of antidepressants might help too. I expect that once your mum is more settled, your dad will be more accepting of his situation as well.

I hope it all settles down soon
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[The Saint]

I'm sorry to hear about your distressing situation. They say dementia affects the whole family and it is so true. You've done the only thing you could in the circumstances and as you say there was no workable alternative. Be strong and try and put a happy face on for mum and dad. Hopefully both will settle in time in their new environments and you will know they are both in a safe place and you have done all you could. Sometimes we have to do things for the best although it doesn't seem like it at the time. Life is not perfect certainly where dementia is concerned.

 

[Cathbach]

Thank you so much for your support and kind words.
Mum has been in the home for 5 months now. She’s never wanted to be there and has asked when she can ‘get out of here’ daily. The first month was difficult, then she seemed to settle a bit more but in the last week or so she’s regressed again to how she was last summer at home when she stopped eating, drinking, was agitated and upset, and ended up in hospital on a drip. She’s been on antidepressants since last July. The home itself is lovely and the staff are great; it is a specialist dementia setting.

I don’t begrudge them any of the things we’ve done, my parents have done everything for us, and I wouldn’t expect thanks. I suppose I just wanted reassurance that we have done all we can and couldn’t have done anything better, even though they are clearly both so distressed.

To be honest, experiencing this has made me determined that I will not put my son through this and if necessary I will take steps to ensure he doesn’t have to. It’ll be hard for him initially but not worse than this.

Thank you again.

 

[Chizz]

Thank you so much for your support and kind words.
Mum has been in the home for 5 months now. She’s never wanted to be there and has asked when she can ‘get out of here’ daily. The first month was difficult, then she seemed to settle a bit more but in the last week or so she’s regressed again to how she was last summer at home when she stopped eating, drinking, was agitated and upset, and ended up in hospital on a drip. She’s been on antidepressants since last July. The home itself is lovely and the staff are great; it is a specialist dementia setting.

I don’t begrudge them any of the things we’ve done, my parents have done everything for us, and I wouldn’t expect thanks. I suppose I just wanted reassurance that we have done all we can and couldn’t have done anything better, even though they are clearly both so distressed.

To be honest, experiencing this has made me determined that I will not put my son through this and if necessary I will take steps to ensure he doesn’t have to. It’ll be hard for him initially but not worse than this.

Thank you again.

Hi @Cathbach
You haven't said how long your mum and dad lived at the family home, before it was sold. If it was long time, then any change of surroundings after such a time is bound to feel strange and unfamiliar to them. Age, set in ways, comfort zone - all have something to do with their unsettled state. However, they must have agreed to the move to sign the sale contacts and transfer document unless you and brother did this as PoA - but either way you and brother - as you have said - thought at the time that you were doing the best. Take comfort in that, you can't do more than your best.
I expect they will settle in due course.
Bes wishes.

 

[Cathbach]

Hi @Cathbach
You haven't said how long your mum and dad lived at the family home, before it was sold. If it was long time, then any change of surroundings after such a time is bound to feel strange and unfamiliar to them. Age, set in ways, comfort zone - all have something to do with their unsettled state. However, they must have agreed to the move to sign the sale contacts and transfer document unless you and brother did this as PoA - but either way you and brother - as you have said - thought at the time that you were doing the best. Take comfort in that, you can't do more than your best.
I expect they will settle in due course.
Bes wishes.

Thank you.
They lived in the family home for 60 years, so it is a massive wrench for them both. Both my brother and I have POA so mum, who is registered as not having capacity, hasn’t signed anything. With dad, he begrudgingly agreed because there was no realistic alternative that we could find, so yes, he signed all the documentation for the sale and purchase, and we told him regularly that the process could be stopped and he could rethink if that’s what he wanted. But I think he feels he’s been washed along with the current.
If we’d left things as they were, they would both still be at home, with mum not taking her meds, not eating, not allowing anyone in, throwing plates and glasses at dad (we also had to hide all the knives after she threatened him with one), not allowing dad out of the house, and ultimately neither of them being able to get up the stairs to the toilet, bath, bed and no way (and no agreement from them because of disruption and people in the house) to install a downstairs facility.

 

[canary]

If we’d left things as they were, they would both still be at home, with mum not taking her meds, not eating, not allowing anyone in, throwing plates and glasses at dad (we also had to hide all the knives after she threatened him with one), not allowing dad out of the house, and ultimately neither of them being able to get up the stairs to the toilet, bath, bed and no way (and no agreement from them because of disruption and people in the house) to install a downstairs facility.

It definitely sounds like the choice you made was the least worst - they would not have survived like this.

It sounds to me like your mum wasnt happy at home, she isnt happy where she is now and she probably wouldnt be happy where ever she was. At least she is safe and being looked after where she is
xx

 

[Cathbach]

It definitely sounds like the choice you made was the least worst - they would not have survived like this.

It sounds to me like your mum wasnt happy at home, she isnt happy where she is now and she probably wouldnt be happy where ever she was. At least she is safe and being looked after where she is
xx

Thankyou

 

[helpingpeggy]

Cathbach, we’re in a similar position as you. Mum with dementia in a care home for 2 months so far and asks to leave at every visit. Dad moving to a nearby sheltered apartment as the family house/garden is too big. I’ve had to accept (or try too) that it’s enough that mum is safe and well-cared for. Dad has agreed to the move but low in mood and flat and again I’m trying to remind myself that we’re doing what’s best. It’s not easy at all, so don’t be too hard on yourself.

 

[Cathbach]

Cathbach, we’re in a similar position as you. Mum with dementia in a care home for 2 months so far and asks to leave at every visit. Dad moving to a nearby sheltered apartment as the family house/garden is too big. I’ve had to accept (or try too) that it’s enough that mum is safe and well-cared for. Dad has agreed to the move but low in mood and flat and again I’m trying to remind myself that we’re doing what’s best. It’s not easy at all, so don’t be too hard on yourself

 

[Cathbach]

Helpingpeggy
Thank you so much for your kind words. You are right, at least my brother and I know that she is safe and dad (91) isn’t having to dodge trays and plates, or stay awake all night because she’s heard a noise or seen a light.
I think we have to get used to that being enough. So hard when mum’s distraught and sobbing, and refusing to eat, and dad’s so low and is dreading going in to see her.
So many people on here really understand, and I’m so grateful.