1. kathm

    kathm Registered User

    Apr 26, 2007
    hi there i am new to this so if i get it wrong i am sorry,
    my dad has alzheimers and my mum is the main carer, they manage quite well but that is providing my mum does not leave dad alone, if she goes out even for a short while she always comes home to a disaster.

    I try to help as much as i can but i have a 3 year old daughter and work full time so it is hard to be there when needed, my mum needs some coping mechanisms so that she doesnt freak out every time she comes home to the inevitable disaster!!

    I work with people with dementia type illness but its easy to give advise when you dont have to live with it 24/7. can anyone offer any tips.
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Hi Kathm, and welcome to TP.

    I'm not sure your going to be able to find "disaster coping" tips: I mean it's all well and good talking about stress relieving techniques and repeating the mantra "it's not him, it's the disease" but really, the only way to cope with disasters is try to avoud them, if you see what I mean. Does your mother have any assistance from social services, such as sitters? It does sound like she needs someone to watch him when she goes out: apart from anything else, I'm sure she doesn't much enjoy going out if all the time she's wondering what's happening at home.

    Hopefully you'll get some more practical tips tomorrow, when more people log on.

  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi Kath

    Welcome to TP, I'm sure people will come up with lots of advice for you.

    The first thing, and most important, is get some help!

    Your mum needs to ask social services for a carers' assesssment, so that she can have people in to sit with your dad when she goes out. She has the right to the assessment, and to some time to herself.

    Your dad may also be offered a place at a day centre for one day a week.

    All these help your mum to cope, and are essential for her own health.

    Good luck,
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hi Kath.

    You haven`t got anything wrong and you have nothing to apologize for. Welcome from me too, and I`m glad you`ve found us.

    I`m afraid there is no answer for your mother, other than not leave your dad alone. If he gets confused when your mother`s with him, he will be even more confused when she goes out.

    That`s what happens with my husband, so I leave him as little as possible and only for very short periods,

    If you mother and father will accept help, then Skye/Hazel has the right idea. Unfortunately, not everyone will accept outside help, so it`s just a waiting game until your parents are ready.
  5. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    I know I want to get a lock on kitchen door, for when I pop out as I find my mother keep raiding the kitchen, fridge not that I really mind , but she has diabetic so has to watch what she eats or she going to give herself a stroke , because when she eats behinde my back , I don’t know what she eaten , they I give her dinner , so also she has high cholesterol that go up , someone I just have to stop worrying or it do my head in .

    As long as gas is all turn of (cooker) or eclectic (cooker ) when your mother pop out , your father in no danger
    that also why I want lock on kichen door . Just in case

    What is it that your mother finds when she gets home that your father has done?
  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006

    Must say , that this stage of the disease is the worse part , as even if mum go to daycentre or someone sits with mum , they still time that I need to pop out when I run out of something , dog needs a walk in the morning, I wish I could be more organise so I don’t run out of things . that the dog would not mind just going in the garden , but then its lovely going to the park in the morning with the dog , so have to organise it when care came in to wash mum . then I can’t because I am half asleep at 7:30 and have to get my head together and that can take an hour , sometime I just give up and just have to try again like I did before to go with the flow of it .

    Just like to add I am referring to when I say “this stage of the disease is the worse part” I mean from what I have experience with my mother so far, as I know someone else may perceive the next stage as worse , I do not want to offend anyone
  7. Gromit

    Gromit Registered User

    Apr 3, 2006
    What type of disasters does your Mum come home to?

    My Dad still tries to the odd bit of DIY and he also prepares the veg for mealtimes (don't let him cook unless supervised - as he forgets and things can get burnt!). Just the other day he managed to break 2 panes of glass in the greenhouse (granted they are very thin and easy to break). Normally mum would have blown a gasket (sp?) however I think she is learning that it doesn't matter, Dad wasn't hurt, and on the plus side it provided a task for him to do to fix it!

    Dad loses things constantly (and it can take months before they turn up). Mum has got used to him putting things in the wrong place, and now just allows herself more time before she needs to use something - because inevitably she might not be able to find it in its usual place.

    Don't get me wrong Mum doesn't cope all of the time - I think Dad's repeatativeness drives her up the wall the most - but she has now taken to going into the bathroom and counting back from 10 - or of course she phones me up and blows off some steam.

    If you are like my family and not anywhere near the stage of day centres etc then it can be difficult for the carer to get a "sanity" break of sorts. My Dad would flip if we mentioned anything along these lines.

    Not sure if the above helps at all. But you are not on your own.

    Hopefully others will be able to offer some tips - which I will also be keen to hear about too!

  8. leigh

    leigh Registered User

    Oct 12, 2006
    My mother started going to day care centre twice a week last year, she is firmly in the mid-stages of AZ too. It gives my sister(who is her carer) as well needed break for most of a whole day, she sees her off about 9am and is there to meet her coming home about 4pm.

    Mum was really unsure about going to daycare at first but she has really got used to it now and likes the people who run it. It's difficult to get much out of her with regard to what they do all day at daycare, but she says they go for walks and drive out to the country and go forpub lunches or stay in the centre and chat and drink tea. I think although her social skills are beginning to fade, given her memory problems, that it is essential we encourage her to try and get out there for as long as she can cope. As long as she is picked up and brought homeI trust they will look after her.

    Your mum must need some time to herself so I would recommend you look into with the Alzheimers Society have a local branch near your parents and give them a ring to ask about their services. That's what I did formy mum and sister and they were more than helpful and made it very easy to organise.

    Good luck
  9. kayleigh999

    kayleigh999 Registered User

    Apr 6, 2007

    Wanted to add i am in a similar situation. My Father just WONT stay in with my Mom who has VaD. He is either at the social club or in the garden all day. I do what i can for her daily but have to come home after lunch for other commitments too. I think the problem is an hour to the sufferers seems like a day. Mom is always really upset that other people have come into the house (they haven't) and then when Dad does finally return there is lots of hassles because Mom does not reconize him.

    My solution is that i have contacted S.S who are coming in to access her for a day centre. I am hoping she will go as she has no intrest in TV anymore and is not capable of reading a paper and she sits on chair all the rest of the time in tears and bored. I am not an expert but i am convinced from my experience that time alone really is bad for my Mom.

    Hope you sort it soon.

    K x
  10. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #10 Margarita, Apr 27, 2007
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2007
    My mother does that but does not cry , everyone different I suppose, maybe its not so much that she bored why she crying just that your father distancing himself so much that she crying for that and what is happening to her, and then you can’t blame your father as he has he own grief to deal with , I only say that because I found that with my mum dad , when mum was pre AZ

    As I find with my mother now she sit all day or lay down all day and the disease has not progress more for it , just that its I that do not like seeing her like that , because when she at home she just walks around more just as motivated if she was at daycentre , because when at daycentre she sits down a lot , only gets up to go to the toilet , but they motivate her to keep awake all day , so when she gets home she shattered and sleep , only getting up to the toilet and eat .

    So maybe it’s the relationship that is collapsing with your parents and your mother still aware of it , must be hard for both of them , but would do a world of good for your father if your mother did go to daycentre , giving your mother an outside interest , taking purser away from your father and for your mother giving her some to forcers on then what is happening to her and her relationship
  11. kathm

    kathm Registered User

    Apr 26, 2007
    #11 kathm, May 1, 2007
    Last edited: May 3, 2007
    thankyou all for the responses, we have got a very good social worker and have got direct payments set up, my dad would not go to a day centre in a million years as he thinks the people are old and mad, he does not realise he is 72 and has alzheimers!! but anyway i advised my mum to join the forum and talk about stuff and she has, the responses she has had back are great and i think its all those little things that help you keep going:) and can i just add that Alison your family situation sounds just like ours!!
    isnt it weird how there are so many simerlarities with this disease and the ways of the sufferer. Do you ever find it hard having to be the listener when your mum needs to blow off steam, i know i do but i would never tell my mum that or stop her blowing off steam, but i find that sometimes i have to blow a bit of steam off myself, sorry to say its usually my partner who gets it in the kneck, but he is very understanding thank goodness!
    hugs to all the sufferers and the families xx
    love kathm

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